For the older ones among you and let’s face it that is most, you will remember the film “Invasion of the Body Snatchers!” Well it has happened here. One of our own has been subsumed. John “Buster” Kerr, the man’s man, the hard one, the rock, has been snatched by the girlies. He was seen last week offering tea and scones to the visiting girlies under the direction of a senior girlie – not quite sure actually what she does but she is always around organising things. Hope the cream was clotted Johnnie boy and the jam was at least M and S Rhubarb and Ginger or Cottage Delight Scottish Raspberry. And do not worry about your sexuality. If this is the first part of coming out then we will fully support you. It does not mean you are a bad person!
CAN I appeal to my correspondents not to contact me during my afternoon nap! I was just about to scale the north face of Jennifer Anniston when I received the following gem. Some of you may know that the senior groundsman is a tad careful about his general health. Well, his son made the mistake of buying him a portable Blood Pressure machine which can be used ad hoc or as a twenty four hour monitor. Nothing was safe….after he had exhausted it on himself, he took to taking readings from the dog, the chairs, anything he could clamp the machine around. When he tried it on with his wife as she slept, she promptly hid the thing but he threw a strop so she had to give it back. Soooo…..please keep your distance from him in the Club or he will have you on the floor with your arm in the air measuring you systolics and diastolics. AND BTW Peter, your locker room indiscretion is deferred til next week!! AND for the neurotic among you….. how is your pressure? When did you have it last checked? It’s OK I am sure….probably….. but you can never be too sure…..and if you don’t know who the neurotic one in the group is………….then it’s you! And did you get an invite to the younger Magorrian twin’s wedding of the year? No? Not even the “evening reception?” It is probably not a snub….just an oversight – yes that what it is – an oversight…………probably! And do not worry, sure you can go to his next one! AND who has taken up surfboarding and care in the community driving in advance of the aforesaid nuptuals? Look kiddo, the third passenger probably would have given you petrol money! You will get eff all squared from your front seat passenger!! I am informed by the above correspondent that he was strolling up Fruithill Park, when he saw a camper van parked in a driveway close to Mrs and Mr Smyth. Maybe they are little friends they met on their road trip who are over for a bit of R and R. Christ…I will direct the movie…..”Campervan Swingers of West Belfast!” Instead of keys on the table it will be campervans in the middle of a certain supermarket carpark. And has Stevie “Stiff” got the perfect moniker to act in such a movie or what!! I know it does not apply to Falls but clubs should make sure there is no additional grass on the side of the green! WHICH sophisticated stalwart, senior bowler and another genuine all round nice guy is known to his extended family simply as “ wee Uncle Jimmy”. WHICH of all the teams in the Club is the toughest. Vets B that’s who! At the time of writing, THREE teams have refused to travel to us. Probably they already heard of “Mauler McCloskey” Marty “Nutter” Quinn, “Knuckles” Jordan and the rest. Well hard they are! YOUNG grandson Smyth knows a thing or two about bowls. On how not to be selected “Watch the match, tell them how badly they played then they will be a reserve!” Wonder where he got it from! AND with no connection hardly whatsoever…. SELECTORS… you know you can drop yourself……don’t you! Which is more important - getting a Club win or getting a run out for yourself as opposed to others who are better players!! WHICH John Cassidy got the time of the Midweek A team match wrong and arrived to find his team mates already gone and left the Club at a rate of knots to try to catch them. He pushed his car so hard that it broke down near Ards Shopping Centre. Did you think that the sub which had already been co opted in to your place would be summarily dismissed to let you back on Johnnie boy? IT is not too early to give me nominations for the Annual In The Ditch Awards. Private suggestions by email are also welcome to [email protected]. Discretion is assured. Already on the list - Deirdre Walsh, Dan Cregan, George Keatings and Pat Butler. SORRY Murph for thinking you were Pat McClean….from a distance! Sorry to you too Pat! WHO ate all the pies??? Michael Martin Moore – that’s who! At Ards….two dinners, two desserts and three chocolate biscuits. Sorry for the delay in posting but the original information was incorrect due to misinformation from a shoddy correspondent! Thought you had escaped didn’t ya! “YOU’RE nowhere near it!” says Gerry Lowe to his skip Marty Quinn when his bowl took off as if it had a mind of its own! Just what your wife says to you of a romantic evening….. eh Gerry Boy! AND which girlie was less than girlie like on the bleachers last week at the girlie Cup game! RESULT:- Club Flag 0-1 Moke ( after extra time). It was a tough encounter but Moke eventually won the day. Just make sure I am not watching the debacle next time! Okey Dokey Mokey!! GOOD to see Monsignor Barney Rubble DD, MD back on his feet again and holding court in the Jocks’ Lounge of a Sunday. Rumour has it that for his heart surgery he refused anaesthetic and opted for acupuncture so that he would be awake to tell the surgeon what to do and could give himself the last rites if God forbid he fell off his perch! DUE to lack of space, the story of the Russian Oligarch, the Cleric and the Chick will have to be left for another day! AS you read this, I will be sunning my racing snake body in Corfu. If you have any info for the next column, please send to [email protected] – otherwise you will be reading stuff which is precooked – although it does include some gems like the polite bus driver, bonking in the sand dunes at Bunbeg and multitasking girlies! Until next time…. Keep stroking the kitty
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EDWARD “The Onion” McNally played with the “wee Italian” in the Club Vets’ Pairs. On further investigation, we discovered it was Maxi, “Aye that’s him, the one who used to have the fish and chip shop – the Italian!” We decided not to pursue the matter any further even though we think on looks alone he may have mixed him up with Joe (Giuseppe) Dolan! The similarities are…..well….non existent!
WENT to watch Vets B play against Divis….It was a joy to watch Big Jack using the pram to collect the bowls. Man and machine in perfect synchronisation…. Such manual dexterity, such skill in collecting the bowls and kicking those he missed along the way at the same time…pure pantomime! Perhaps he needs to check out the Girlie seminar programme and sit in on the relevant class! ESPECIALLY for Mrs Morgan and Mrs Garland…….listen dearies. If you want to come down early of a Sunday morning for a rehearsal, please make your husbands’ breakfast first. An Occupied Six Counties Fry does not cook itself you know. It was sad to see hubbies Michael and Dominic sitting on the benches wide eyed with tongues hanging out waiting for you to finish. I know they could have gone to Kelstar but rumour had it that a certain ex President had been in earlier and there was nothing left. FOLLOWING on…..I think it is appropriate that there should be a check list in the girlies dressing room with items like ….. “ hoovered the floor, prepared the dinner, washed the dishes, did the ironing” etc etc on it and that no one should be allowed out until they are all ticked! AND finally on the girlies…..for the moment, I have been informed that one of the seminars involved how to present a tray of sarnies! The information is third hand so I cannot verify it, but the tall skinny bloke assured me it was true so I have to believe him! Probably best not to try it with the Midweek A team girlies. They are bucked out on to a paper plate, crusts and all, and at the call “Get tore in!” a very unsavoury sight unfolds as Liam Loughran leads a plague of barbarians as they jostle for the Chicken Tikka Delight and Tuna and Onion trying to see how many they can fit into their gobs at one time. Burp! TOOK a short trip last week to see Gordon Lightfoot in Glasgow on the mainland and booked in to the Premier Inn where the Jolly Boys stayed on their last outing. Always keen to wear Club colours, I presented myself at reception in the fetching Club Fleece. The manager asked me if I knew Liam Trainor and a wee grey faced man who silently wandered the corridors at night with a notebook in his hand. When I replied in the affirmative, he came over all funny and had to sit down. He told me that the cleaner who cleaned their room was still off on the sick having witnessed the fall out of what had obviously a debauched weekend culminating in a shower surround ripped from the wall in what she assumed was some sort of perverted game found on websites for discerning gentlemen. One hopes the upcoming outing of the aforesaid Jolly Boys to the Republic of Ireland – “our closest neighbours” to quote the lovely Arlene Foster - gives less cause for concern! OK…..so I wake up, have a leisurely breakfast of fruit and grilled bacon on wholemeal toast then set off to have a roll up with the Vets, noticing that the traffic is less heavy than usual, arrive and get stripped out only to find that the other oldies have not turned up. And why should they, it was Sunday for frig sake….got my days wrong….start of the downhill slope! Now…… do NOT complain that I never “do” myself in this blog! AND talking Glasgow! What is it about planes that make people want to eat and go to the toilet???? It was a 35 minute hop yet the paninis were flying outta the microwave like the punters had never seen food before. And relieving oneself!!! DO NOT get me started.....queues front and back like a line jostlin to get into the public gallery for Cliff Richard's up coming trial ( Don't worry Cliffy baby...our Gloria is standing by you and Daniel O Donnell is one of your team as well - if you get my drift!) I am diabetic for Chrissake and was able to hold the contents of my sphincter until I got back to Clonmellon...another hour and twenty minutes away after landing! And congrats Mr Ryanair once again.... 33 seats at a gate for a plane that holds 198 people....but I will still fly with you and spend the money I have saved in the Executive Lounge. APPARENTLY some of the girlies were offended by the sight of the rough vegetation stage left as they exited the dressing room to take to the pitch. That general all rounder and good egg, Steve “The Carpenter” Smyth arranged for a wooden gate to be erected to screen off the aforesaid offending greenery. Nice Job Stevie boyo! The gate is hung in such a way that the dead Pavarotti could limbo dance under it whilst singing Nessun Dorma and necking a pint of Guinness! It approximates to a saloon door in the Wild West! Your knowledge of carpentry is as good as the equally dead Mother Teresa’s knowledge of naked Sumo mud wrestling! FOR the neurotic amongst you……… if anyone is going to get the blame, it is going to be you, you know that don’t you! And, did Mr Maire Smyth bring you a present home from her holidays. No? She brought everyone else one! Well she will probably give it to you when she sees you. It’s only a friggin’ fridge magnet anyway! Although some people got shortbread I hear! AND talking holidays in a campervan. Where did the loved up couple Mrs and Mr Stevie Smyth spend the first night of their Scottish jaunt? In a freakin, Tesco carpark. Not as silly as you might think…nip in at closing time to use the bogs and pick up the half price BBQ chickens and the other stuff from the reduced aisle. Well “Every Little Helps!” Did it have a restaurant and did you bring her for a romantic meal you cheapskate and did you think you could use your Clubcard to get points for the overnight stop!? The Lurvebug was soon joined on the tarmac by buses, freezer lorries etc etc as it turned out it was the overnight stop for the ferry. While the temperature inside was a comfortable 22 degrees it soon dropped when they were wedged in between two Birds Eye transporters! Rumour has it they are gonna take the van to every Tesco carpark on the mainland and here and try to break the Guinness Book of Records for shagging in a semi public place! One of the rougher sorts has suggested that they should take it to Sainsbury’s underground car park. They would not be disturbed and could get up to all sorts of stuff! WHICH couple celebrating their wedding anniversary in the Glenowen – cos that’s where Harry “Three Stripes”, romantic devil that he is, proposed to his missus – changed their minds when they heard Mrs and Mr. Maire Smyth were in the Club, and hightailed it down “for the craic” with the laugh a minute couple? There’s more “craic” in a builder’s rear end for Chrissake! AND have you seen Carol Ann Parker’s new speckled bowls. Haven’t seen colours like that since I smoked stuff!!! Only a surfeit of material prevents me from relating the story of Danny Boy Cregan and the three jackets! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty Yes we all know it develops their skills in bowling as they learn from those older and more experienced, it gives them a sense of independence, they get exposure to fresh air and witty banter etc etc. The main disadvantage, however, is that they have no money to buy their opposite number a post match pint as I found out to my chagrin when I made the long and unnecessarily circuitous trip to Salisbury ( see last week's blog on Satnav Steve! ). The little tyke was able to nip in three times to the bar and buy himself some bubblegum lemonade but at the end, was there an offer of a refreshing big boys' social lubricant?? Was there frig! I had to fork out £2 for a tepid Carling without a glass. I think there is some education needed here and the parents should be told either to give their bowling progeny the necessary readies to buy people like me the refreshing post match nectar or up their pocket money on match weeks. It's only during the summer for Chrissake. Or maybe the kids could even get a paper round. It is something the Private Greens need to address at their next AGM!
Dan Cregan: Can I give you some advice? Vets Selector (Me): No! Well that was a short conversation!!! IT is not just Satnav Steve who lives the good life. Check out the places on Facebook Jon B Given - Walton has been in a single week – not counting the past one! Muriel’s Café/Bar, 2 Taps, The Cloth Ear, Benedict’s, Blue Chicago and for a bit of rough…the Harp Bar! What style. What elegance, what a pretentious plonker!!! I am sure gin tasting in Uluaru was in there too somewhere! While you and I may lurch in to Raffo’s for a pastie supper after a night on the beer , this laddie is hitting the high spots of trendy Belfast! My sainted mother used to say “They would s**** high if their a*** would let them!” WHICH bowlist walks around with an expression which suggests he has a boil on his bum? First correct answer whispered in my ear gets a refreshing alcoholic beverage of choice. PROBABLY wrong of me to say to my opposite number in a recent Club Triples match “See the new bowls have not worked yet!” Mind games eh? A win is a win is a win! And Peter “Ronseal” McGarrity lived up to his new nickname BTW, doing what it says on the tin! Why go abroad when you can bring abroad here? Many of you men will have noticed in places like Italy and Greece that if you try to go to the toilet there is a wizened old crone sitting outside – or sometimes inside – to relieve you of 50 cent after you have relieved yourself! Apparently last Saturday we had our very own toilet attendants, much prettier I am told, sitting outside the gents’ in the vestibule redirecting guys to the only working gents toilet in the rear of the building. Perhaps you should have been sat – as the English love to say – outside the female toilets where at least one guy dived in to avoid having to go the extra yard with a full bladder! FOR the neurotic among you……did you have a good game last week or will you be moved down the batting order or Heaven forbid dropped altogether??? It probably won’t happen………..but it just might! Keep watching the board! Some advice! I was dropped from Midweek A to Midweek B this season. I prefer to think of it as being brought in to bolster up the B team. That’s what I want to think! So if it happens to you, just think the way I do. It will work for you………probably! RUMOUR has it that the Musical Magorrians and Gerry Lowe have decided to form a new tribute group called “ No Direction!” based on their inability to follow the aforesaid direction either on the pitch or on the stage. It is also said that they are working on an abridged version of “The Streets of New York” which if started at Lisburn on the Jolly Boys Outing to Dublin, should be just finished before we hit the hotel….on the south side of the City. RUMOUR also has it that Gerry Lowe is working on yet another new chord. This will be the fifth he has learned in fifty years. Apparently it will not be ready until Opening Day next year as it involves four fingers. WHOSE hair did ex bowler John Tierney think was lovely? THANKS to the girlies for giving the Vets B team a good work out in the recent challenge match. Some of the rougher sorts wanted to swap shirts at the end!! Some of the men did too!! IF anyone has any information on Jim McGetterick, could I have it please. The guy is too nice for his own good! SIMILARLY, any stuff on Jim “The Pipecleaner” Murtagh would be appreciated to enable me to get a head start on his smarmy sidelines remarks this year before the home Midweek B games start – if I am selected of course! YES Dan Cregan, on the subject of attention seeking….we know you played a cracker of a bowl when you were rehearsing on the TV rink but there was no need to strut up the pitch like an Open winner looking at the viewing gallery to see who saw it. It was one out of six full ends for Chrissake! AND talking of Alan De Brun’s trip to Benelmadena which we were last week, he only discovered Belinda was dyslexic when she booked the tickets………..he had wanted to do to Ballymena! And yet again he placed his wheelie bins across the front of his car to stop thieves stealing it while he was away. We should get him to give lectures on how to protect your home to the girlies. They could fit it in to their seminar programme! WHO gave her good friend a 60th birthday card with the price still on the back. You could be forgiven for that but not for the fact that it had been reduced from 99p to 66p….in Asda! WHO came into the Club showing off his new Aran Sweater like a Clancy Brothers groupie? . Pity it was on back to front! Not as cool as you thought you were….eh! WHOSE mobile phone is almost as big as he is? Stick it in yer pocket laddie instead of carrying it around. Who is gonna fone you anyway!!! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty WHICH ex President had the simple task of following Liam Trainor’s car outta the carpark to Stockman’s Drive then collect him and proceed to the match at Ewarts but followed another car and ended halfway up the M1 in the opposite direction !
MAYBE a satnav wudda helped….he cudda borrowed Stiffer’s one but wait a minute…it does not work. He used it to bring him – and the rest of us - the scenic route to Salisbury BC last Wednesday and ended up in someone’s front garden half a mile away! Stevie Boy always takes his car cos he trusts no one else!!The return journey minus sat nav was akin to Whacky Races with his lane hopping and road rage against buses. Murph whispered to me that he was taking his car next time. AND as you read this, Stiffneck Steve is ensconced somewhere on the shores of Loch Lomond with his wifey on a lovefest in a VW camper van which he has never driven before. I have told him to make sure it is parked in gear at night when they get up to their rumpy pumpy just in case the rockin’ and rollin’ starts it off down hill! Any bets how long it will take the loved up pair to stop speaking. Any bets they will have decamped to a hotel by the second night! JUST to reiterate, if you are passing me on some tit bits in the Club of an afternoon, please do so before the sweet sherry kicks in. I have some notes about somebody going to see an Alsatian dog in concert in Dublin and somebody else, maybe it’s the same one, not being allowed in to his own car by ELO! Hic! WENT down to watch the taster days on Saturday. What a sight the three coaches were, Messrs Keatings, Smyth (Senior Coach) and McCloskey, resplendent in their green jackets. Each was swathed in aftershave as they obviously had hoped to be tutoring some dolly birds at close quarters. What they got was a parcel of under ten kiddies. It was a joy to see them trying to be avuncular through gritted teeth. I left before one of them exploded and grabbed one of the urchins by the throat! AND…. notice for guys playing with your wives, mistresses, those whom you are trying to diddle etc, Do not let them walk up the green in front of you like Mrs Pat “the Stretcher” who leaves the quasi para para medic behind to set the jack and lift the mat! That’s a girlie job dearie and it gives the rest of us a bad name! Watch the aforesaid George Keatings and Dominic Garland Pat boy! They will show you how it is done, striding manfully out ahead while wifey scuttles along behind! SOME advice Geordie…..when you are playing with your bride on the green, and a measuring situation occurs, for Chrissake let her have it. DO NOT MEASURE! It’s only bowls…your convivials, steak dinners and getting your undies steam cleaned are much more important! Jim McCorry has the right idea. When asked to give a measurement decision from the comfort (and safe distance) of the jocks’ locker room door, by a fellow bowlist, who was rolling up with his current squeeze, he said “It’s her’s…do you think I am bloody stupid! AND further on the saga of the tablecloths……one wag wondered if the girlies get more points for laying the damask than winning a game. We could have a competition “Strictly Come Laying” with judges giving points….maybe “Come Lay With Me” “Master Layer” etc etc. The wag was Jim Armstrong BTW ladies if you want to rip his eyes out! The last bit was mine if you want to do the same to me! AND apparently there is worse than the table cloth saga, but my snitch has suddenly clammed up and no further updates are available so you can breathe easy girlies! LONESOME George’s new tipple now is a pint of Blackcurrant! It does not mean you are a bad person! IF I write something about Jimmy the Chalk and the ribald tale of his triples encounter where he had a single toucher, it will make him look more important and loved than he really is….so I won’t! HEY Father Eugene….stick to the preachin’ and leave the comedy to the comedians in the Club, of whom there are plenty……… apparently he has created a new bowling term called a “Trudy” which is a term for a bowl ‘through the gap’. It might be in your country in Ballymun or Finglas where people go to “de pub” or “de shops” but not here in Belfast laddie!! AND loosely connected…….Billy T, leave the nickname giving to me. Calling one of the new boys “Smokin’ Jim” gives the impression that he is good and has a certain “je ne sais quoi”. I am sure I will find a more suitable one in time….. WHO ordered a pint of Smithwicks and forgot to drink it? NOW this one is a doozie! Which occasional Midweek bowlist when he goes abroad, shows a photograph of his apartment to the taxi driver so that he will be able to find it. Listen laddie, Benelmadena is a big place and it is twelve miles away from the airport! How is this gonna freakin help. Bet you speak slowly and append the letter “o” at the end of words so that he will understand you. “Me wanto uno taxio pour favour mucho. Me from Northerno Irelando. Mucho goodo football teamo!” To which the driver replies, “Ah si! Royo Keano…mucho goodo! Chucky ar la!” AND the same bowlist also takes a photocopy of his passport just in case it gets lost or stolen. Good thinking matey. Just turn up at the check in desk, explain that your passport is missing but that you have a photocopy. She’ll whisk you straight through with a smile and a “No problem sir!” and direct you to the new aisle in Duty Free where you can pick up some bombs and Old Spice. FOR the neurotic amongst you. Father Eugene likes everybody….. but he does not like you. Why? WHICH Vets selector has not selected himself for the first three games and which other has not selected himself for the next two? Just sayin, that’s all! It can be done!!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN everybody!!!! I lied…….. no girlies, you cannot breathe easy!!!! The next chapter in the saga of the tablecloths is…….. learning how to adorn the aforesaid damask with freshly cut flowers from one’s garden. Thanks to my new snitch for the information!! Bravo Girlies! An oasis of quality in a desert of uncouthness! This could save us a fortune on Cemetery Sunday, Valentine’s Day and the like guys. No need for expensive wreaths and bouquets, Just wait ‘til the end of a Girlie game then slip into the Big Hall ( they probably call it the refectory ) and pick up ready made posies! No more Interflora, no more cheap garage flowers. Just quality stuff made by girlies who should be at home getting their husbands’ dinner ready! We could set up a sweat shop industry and use them to make money to fund the Jolly Boys’ Outing in August! Until next time Keep stroking the kitty I was taken to task recently by the husband of Mrs Maire Smyth about my apparent incorrect use of the term “ballon francais” to describe a drinking vessel and he quoted Ms Jancis Robinson Master of Wine to back him up. While he is correct in the sense that one use of the term is a football, it has indeed several meanings. A quick check of my favoured French Thesaurus, La Petite Larousse shows that it is a … “Verre à boire de forme sphérique. (On dit aussi verre ballon.)”. I trust this settles the matter and that further academic discourse will not be required.
EXCEPT for a PS… I think he has the “hots” for Ms Robinson who to my uncultured palate is an “ugh!” AND another one……I wonder does the good Ms Robinson MW knows the equally good Pat Butler MSc…….. both being second level graduates and all that! What a pair of Masters!! Quote of the week….from Marty Quinn. “Give me a skinny one downwind!” WELL not quite…. From Girlie Mary Evans… “I just pulled it and it came away in my hand!” CAN I remind my informants that I use information on a triage system. Material is prioritised so do not be offended if your “stuff” does not appear for a few weeks. FURTHER to the girlies’ training in laying tablecloths last week, I have been asked could the Midweek selectors not hold a seminar on the correct way to hold a HP Sauce bottle! Now I know a joke about a HP sauce bottle but probably best not to share here! WHICH Willowfield reject when measuring two bowls propped the flat one up with a piece of chalk and left the other one which was perched at an angle and wobbling like a Chivers Jelly alone! And he wonders why he was offloaded!! WHICH Midweek B player took time out at Larne this week to admire the legs of the tennis players. I would not mind but they were men…..does not make you a bad person – apparently! WHICH bowlist has the more perfect tan? “Love Boat” Butsie or “Sunbeds” McKinney. While the latter may have an all over one, Butsie’s is more confined to visible areas. Still I am assured by his current squeeze that he is like a roast chicken –the white bits are the best!!! Rumour has it that the sundeck speedos were more like a strip of dental floss! AND still on the subject of the Loudmeister, it has been said that it takes a real man to wear pink! I make no further comment, but his homecoming shirt would not have gone amiss on Larry Grayson! I popped in to the Club on Friday at 7.00pm to watch the big boys training for their home match on Saturday.. Must have gotten the wrong time!!!! The introduction of Ken the Kestrel has been deemed to be a success by the Head Groundsman. Yeah, if you count a bird free square radius of 20 cm under the flagpole a success, then jolly well done to the resident Bird Whisperer! Magpie 1: Cyril, what’s that hanging from the flagpole? Magpie 2: It’s a bird scarer Desmond! Magpie 1: Does it scare you mate? Magpie 2: Not me mate! Magpie 1: Where did it come from? Magpie 2: The idiot with the monkey hat put it up! Magpie 1: The one who throws free grass seed on the ground for us? Magpie 2: Him! Plonker! Magpie 1: I know who frightens me! Magpie 2: The loud one with the Masters degree? Magpie 1: Yip! Me too! Magpie 2: Plonker! Magpie 1: Fancy some Alfalfa seed? Freshly left out this morning! Magpie 2: Don’t mind if I do! Burp! LITTLE Stephie Murphy has “nothing special” planned for holidays this year. Oh so the jaunt to Rome does not count eh? LOVELY pastiche on the noticeboard sign in sheets. The Dutch Boy JP signed himself as “N/A” for last Wednesday’s game and clarified underneath that he was “ not able!” I do know JP that your English is way better than my Dutch which extends to Hoe veel which is “How much” and “Een Bier” - one beer, both of which are de rigeur in the Red Light District....apparently! APPARENTLY one of the Scissors is a granny for the first time. I thought at her age she would have been one already! Anyway…..Congrats! FOR the neurotic among you….. some are born with greatness, some achieve it. What happened to you? Don’t worry, your time will come…...probably! WHAT if we changed the name of the VETS team to the “SENIORS”, seeing we do not have a senior team by name anymore. Then we might get more of those who can, yet steadfastly refuse to play over 60s bowls. signing on……….just a thought! Playing for the SENIORS….sounds good eh? You could tell your non bowling mates. “Oh Yes! I am on the Senior Team! Competition for places is stiff!”What better way to put in a few hours of a Monday afternoon…..only eighteen holes, or is it ends – the Vets don’t care much. Step on the oche – or is it the mat – throw a few balls, wander round to the gents every so often, have a pill break. None of this “food after” and false bonhomie crap. At the end, in to the Jocks lounge just as the bar opens for a beverage of choice. Sounds like a plan….whaddya say eh? I am a selector, you scratch my back, I’ll get you on! Just leave your name and a pint behind the bar! J RUMOUR has it that the President’s outing in 2018 will be to India, cos that is where Mrs and Mr Maire Smyth want to move for the second phase of their retirement. Any bets that he will not have achieved his long term goal by then? Mumbai Maire and Samarjit Steve……… sounds good to me. Go easy on the Poppadoms folks!You know the Stiff One has delicate insides. It will make a pleasant change, however, from the same ole trips to that country which abuts our borders to the South and also those to the mainland! J CORRECTION……….I am reminded by Dan Cregan’s grandaughter that she in not six years old as I thought she was, but in fact twenty one. Furthermore she does not play with dolls and she suggests that I should go and play with my own. Now I had a witty reply to this but Dodgy Dan said it would be inappropriate so I will refrain from printing it here! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty SOMETIMES I have to dig deep to get the feature article for the blog, sometimes it jumps up and bites me in the bum and this is one such instance. Guess what the girlies were called in last Wednesday to do? Read a complicated head? Practise long jacks? Play on half settings? Nope! Try again mes amis! Practise how to lay a tablecloth for post girlie match foodfests!!!!!. I kid you not! In turn, each girlie was summoned to the master table and had to demonstrate her skills of extending the white damask over the top. Then they were instructed as to how to iron in the horizontal and vertical pleats then were asked to go home and do the smoothing! Next it will be how to place a telephone directory on one’s suitor’s lap when sitting on his knee at a dance, or how to use a fan to cover one’s bosom – cos that is what they were used for in case you did not know - at a society ball, or how to make the perfect crème brulee. I swear by all who were present in the stable at Bethlehem - plus the wee donkey – there are saner people locked up!
QUOTE of the week…. “And they said two Willowfield rejects would not improve our scores!” WELL not quite…… From John Cassidy to Moke at the A v B team rehearsals, “Give me a nice stiff one up the middle!” I kid you not! I was there! AND with a tidy segue…. who has no teeth and is not a Celtic Supporter? Ask Moke…he knows! HAS anyone noticed anything different in the Club recently? Take a walk around the pitch of a morning and listen. You can hear the nestlings chirping in the trees, the gentle breeze wafting through the conifers, the click of bowl on jack, the peal of the Angelus bell in St. Teresa’s, the beautiful noise of the traffic on the Falls Road. Yes! You guessed it! NO BUTSIE! Normal everyday sounds can again be heard as the loudmeister has taken to the seas again for one of his cruisefests. Enjoy it while it lasts folks, the cheapskate has done a McGarrity and has sloped off for just a week! And talking Sounds of Silence, with no bowling connection whatsoever, check out https://www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=disturbed+sound+of+silence+video A brilliant cover of the Paul Simon song! SO …..which ex President, Gestapo Officer and creator of the “Original Dander” left his bowling guddies behind him at the Club as he travelled from the ghetto to Malone BC? A phone call was made and Rab Gilbert duly turned up in his passion wagon with, not the shoes as one might have expected, but a pair of bowls………….with red stickers at that. The ex Pres had to borrow a pair of size elevens from a local member but I am told it did not enhance his game one little bit. In fact………….. DO you know what invective is? No? Ask Father Eugene. He does and apparently how to use it…..selectively and appropriately of course. Really Father! And you a man of the cloth! RUMOUR has it that the Head Groundsman wanted the flower beds removed and tarmacked over as well as the surrounds. Listen Laddie, we could tarmac the green too then you would be out of a job. It really is a nuisance when the hired help start having opinions. Just listen to the advice from Stephen Smyth about matters green and you’ll be OK! He knows it all…..or he is a know all or he knows feck all – one of the three! You choose! And…………you would be right! CONGRATULATIONS to the Vets for managing to stay awake for the evening challenge match on Tuesday! Bitterly cold guys but a good night. We will do it again! THE more eagle eyed of you will have noticed Ken the Kestrel hanging half mast from the redundant flagpole in a bid to scare off the magpies. This was a ploy by the Head Groundsman. It looks more like a wild west outlaw hanging from the gallows in Deadman’s Gulch! One of the rougher sorts said that the aforesaid Head Groundsman should be hanging from the aforesaid post instead. If he was left there for a week would he then be “well hung?” FREE public service…..NEVER EVER on the peril of your lives get into a car with Messrs Niblock, McKinney and Lowe. Endless old jokes from the Club to Glengormley and back creasing themselves up. It was all I could do not to drive in to the oncoming traffic to ease the pain. And BTW Billy, get over the speeding fine you got….it was two years ago! THE new boy Leckey apparently has quite an ascerbic tongue. Should fit in well with the Village Elders then! CONGRATULATIONS to Jimmy the “Crutch” for getting to sit at the big boys’ table. Bet you regaled them with daring tales. Ah well sure it was nice while it lasted! Billy T has been told he is too old to go on a stag weekend and that there would be something else organised for people like him at a later stage. Maybe Mr President should tell him something similar for the Jolly Boys Outing in August. For the neurotic amongst you…….you know no matter how many times you pat your pockets, your car keys will not be there don’t you! WHO arrived in the Club with his jammy top under his fleece? OK, before Mr Maire Smyth tells you….it was me! I had a stressful day at home and simply forget to change it. It was not a stripey thing like Freddie McCorry wears, it was a fetching bald eagle motif! Now get over it! OK? Did you all back the horse “Dodgy Dan?” I didn’t…just as well. And talking Dodgy Dan, if his granddaughter is offended by my justifiable comments about him…she should stick to playing with her dolls. If you can’t stand the heat luvvie, don’t go to Majorca! Further to Jon B Walton’s erection in the back garden – the hot tub that is – rumour has it that the neighbours have not opened their upstairs curtains since the installation for fear of seeing something unsavoury! YOU may have heard of the eight day underpants rule ….if not mail me privately for instructions…. but we have our own version in the Club, where Michael “Walk the Walk” Gannon abducted Brendan McCloskey’s jacket – for THREE weeks and did not notice the mismatch in size! Michael, get wifey to sew your name into the back —like mammy did at school! And put a big “L” and “R” on the soles of your shoes….that will also help! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty FIRST of all….People who complain about being “moved down” from Skip to Third should be aware that it is a slight on those who play Third. It must be remembered that elevation to the position of Skip is neither a sinecure nor a Divine Right and can be changed at any time! Personal rant over……..
I am ashamed that certain rough sorts have read innuendo into my simple comment about Peter McGarrity’s right hand in last week’s blog. It is smut like this which drags the good name of our Club down! I was of course referring to his excessive bowling. What else did these people think! Really! THE recent controversy over the settings on the green spawned two magic comments:- “They even had two computers and a guy with an autolite out measuring it all up.” And “That’s what you get for putting a bus driver in charge!” REGARDING the above, it was sheer entertainment on Wednesday morning watching the Head Groundsman out on the green assisted by Gerry McCloskey with bits of string, rulers, set squares and stuff trying to get the geometrics right. The reason they choose Wednesday was that "Stiffneck" Steve was not there to interfere. Apparently he was up in Donegal supervising trees being planted in his foreign country retreat! Recent conversation last Monday afternoon between two bowlers and a non bowler…. “That Nathan Carter is good! Aye Butsie likes him! Who is Butsie? Surely you know him? Is that the loud one? Aye that’s him! I hear he goes both ways? Who? Butsie? I couldn’t possibly say!” RUMOUR has it that first past the post again at the Floodlight Finals Foodfest – note the alliteration there – was Kevin “Extra Chips Please” Brennan. Plus ça change as they say in Sweden! FACT.....he spent the next three days on the throne at home as his classroom at school was - and I quote - "the second furthest away from the toilet." IF Ronnie Delia can get the chop for being a crap manager, will our managers get the heave ho if our boys fail to bring home some silverware!We could bring in foreign managers from Italy or Spain like they do in the Premiership. "What would they know about bowls" I hear you say. “About as much as the current managers” I also hear you say!! AND for the neurotic among you…did YOU get a piece of Rab Gilbert’s seventieth birthday cake? No? Everyone else did! Ah well, it is probably in the post! WHICH recently retired lady bowlist is just “waiting to be headhunted” for another job. Listen dearie, typists are not headhunted!!! You would be better spending your free time learning to reverse your car in to your driveway after a night of social lubricants in the Club when hubby is too pished to do it! It makes it sooooooo difficult for him backing it out on to a very busy Finaghy Road South of a morning! NICE to see the Village Elders have started to foregather again of a morning to take the sun when the Crusties are having their roll up. Always a good source of free coaching from some of the most pass remarkable people in the Club. AND nice to see Gerry McCloskey taking charge of the aforesaid Vets’ training sessions and organising the hapless group in to some sort of order. When he is absent, it is a veritable pantomime watching them get themselves sorted into who plays who, where and how many balls will be used. WHICH Hon Sec can be seen of a wet Wednesday afternoon lurking around the Airport Road looking for game birds? AND….talking tans which we were recently………… it is not just Dan “The Tan” McKinney who has personalised number plates to bolster up the ego. Someone else has acquired a pair – so to speak. Refreshing beverage of my choice to anyone who spots the vehicle in the car park. He’ll be getting monogrammed Y fronts next. Relatives and friends of Jon B Walton-Given are not allowed to enter. WHO is gonna get it big time from “the other one”? I’ll tell you who. The brave bowlist who, when speaking about the delectable “Scissor Sisters” referred to them as, and I quote, “The nice one ……and the other one!” Oh dear, oh very dear! (Note from Blogmeister – actually a totally different word to ‘nice’ was used ) APPARENTLY Dan Dan the Brown Bread Man does not do freebies! Cudda fooled me! WHO is the Lady president this year? Yeah! Exactly! NOW…….I have it on very good authority that if you are looking to pick up some spare – and I do not mean cash – the place to be is the card school of a Tuesday evening. Know what I’m sayin’? AND talking sophisticated Joe Dolan from earlier, do you know that he pours his three for a tenner glass of red wine not from the bottle but from a decanter. What style, what panache, what a pillock! WHO helps himself to two packets of biscuits, and “two for the road” from over the counter when he thinks none of the bar staff is watching. He does not even drink Tea!! I saw you laddie!!!!More than once!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR RENT OR SALE: Part ownership of a four urn columbarium. Pat Butler MSc and his bride have purchased a final resting place for his ashes on his demise. Pat was unaware, however, that size does not matter when you are dead, and that the ashes from his not inconsiderable frame would fit into a cocoa tin. Therefore the four berth final resting place which he bought is now surplus to his requirements and he wants to sublet it to make a few shillings to fund his new hobby of cruising the seas. WHICH bowlist threw a hissy fit when he called in to the Club for a post meridian roll up of a Monday and found his pretty bride still on the green after her rehearsal with the girlies, when she should have been at home cooking his dinner. Blame the head girlie coach Gary. After the rehearsal, she was teaching the girlie squad how to use the tape measure!!! AND which pair of Scissors bring their own stem glasses for the in house Prosecco . Listen dearies…Prosecco is NOT style! And apparently “Any time any place, anywhere” should mean something???? I only write what I am given. I just pass on something sent to me on St. Paddy’s Day! AND Mrs Maire Smyth has to have the right type of glass too – a Paris goblet – it is a ballon francais- actually dearie, and the exact amount of ice cubes for her Voddie and Coke, otherwise she sends it straight back! Til next time…. Keep stroking the kitty! I have been asked to mention that some of our boys and girls are taking part in the Marathon next month in aid of the Hospice. For further details and any sponsorship…. see Murph!
TWO last tit bits from opening day……Which Vets bowlist took a doggy bag of roast beef home for his pooch? The same one who took an unused dessert in another bag, that’s who. A dessert eating dog…..should be on You’ve Been Framed! IT was commented that the reason we do not win games is that we do not eat enough vegetables. They were sent back by the truck load at the dinner. And why is it that they always come round and ask do we want more gravy, but never more wine. In future let the Management Committee sponsor the gravy and we will get someone else to sponsor the wine! Cheapskates! AND a few little observations on Ladies’ Opening Day. Just as well the Fashion Police stayed away: red handbag with green shoes? No dearie! Fusion accessorising at best, lack of style and coordination at worst! Manhattan heels with three quarter length trousers? I think not! Multi coloured carpet slippers pretending to be shoes? NEVER! And a beach bag masquerading as a handbag….well!! It might do for smuggling in a quarter bottle of voddie to the back room of a Sunday but not on opening day!The shampoos, colours and sets were well in evidence but some still opted for the tried and trusted Clairol….you could hardly see the roots - honestly! Even the older Magorrian Twin got in on the act with his pin striped suit, Hugo Boss after shave and brown winkle pickers….looked like Arthur Daly’s Dad! Pity Mrs McGarrity could not find a baby sitter for her young boy Peter. She had to bring him along. Still I am told he was as good as gold even though he threw a tantrum when he was told there was no mince and potatoes. And he had dressed up too…..gone was the Benny outta Crossroads garb which he uses while tending the green! TOMMY Spence is delighted that he is gonna be fed the all the results from all games so that he can pass them on to the media. NO Tommy son, calm down! You don’t rally eat them. Sorry about that!!! AND now that both opening days are over, I have to take the Committee to task for not having an official opening of the tarmac surround. And I presume the Health and Safety Officer walked round it looking for little patches of unevenness less someone should trip God forbid and put in a claim God forbid! MEMO to self……do not take blog notes when I have had more than two sweet sherries. I have some garbled stuff on Brendan McCloskey and Liam Loughran that I cannot decipher. Have them on me laddies as a freebee…I will get you eventually. WHICH caring bowler covers his beloved at night less she gets cold. Jovial Joe Dolan…that’s who and his beloved is not his bride. It is his car which he calls Matilda or Molly or Tiffany or something! It is a pity that groundsman could not do the same with his new barrow and spade. They are left outside at the mercy of the elements. If this goes on we will need to replace them in another twenty years like the last ones. AND…..the aforesaid ’king Joe D was spotted coming out of a certain Deli on the Lisburn Road with a bagful of sophisticated goodies which he smuggled back to the ghetto. Better not let your mates see you scoffing the quail’s eggs dear boy. They might think you are a tad festive. It’s nearly as bad as “Turbo Trunks” Given and his Nancy boy drinks! AND on the subject of things Nancy boy…..which occasional bowler wears lip balm and not always when he is on the pitch! IS it true that when Dan Cregan was rearing his kids he told them that when the ice cream man played his jingles, that he had run out of ice cream! AND on the subject of things Cregan, he was spotted going into town on the bus with his Care in the Community buddies General Lee and Backhand Butler at 11.20 of a Monday morning. Rumour has it they were bringing him to a locksmith to prise open his First Communion Money Box! WHICH other tightwad decided it was time to buy a new fridge after the duck tape holding on the door – for the past three years – eventually would stick no longer!! WHICH MSc (with commendation) graduate has been boasting about how many touchers he has been getting recently? Listen Butsie baby, they have to be bowls related, but well done anyway! Further on the floodlit tournament…..it was just like watching an evening match at Solitude….but with more spectators! And who when he/she heard she/he was playing on a certain rink went out and practised for an hour around noon in an east west direction only to find that the assistant greenkeeper switched it all round to a north south direction. Still any rehearsal is a good rehearsal! MARTIN Michael Moore must have the cleanest bowls in the Club. He takes them home to wash them after every game. Some of the rougher sorts have suggested that he leaves his boy behind to practise and the real reason he slopes off is to have a swift bout of horizontal jogging! AND the aforesaid groundsman from above had to go to the doctor on Thursday as he was feeling a tad under the weather. The doctor informed him that in addition to high BP, he had carpal tunnel syndrome. As I only was mildly aware of what the latter I was googled it and found that one of the causes was and I quote “strenuous, repetitive work with the hand” No further comment is needed! NOTE: The material on the Scissors has been put back until next week. THANKS to those for contributing in the comments section…more please! Until next time….. Keep strokin’ the kitty. PS If you want more of my musings, go to https://www.facebook.com/PaulAnthonyAuthor/ where I maintain a page of my published short stories and stuff! I have been taken to task for making last week’s column too bland. It must be remembered that I tread a fine line between truth, hearsay, things that are marginally true, untruth and litigation. Anyway, I will do my best to spice things up.
JIMMY “the Sharpener” Armstrong has placed an array of finely honed leads available for the start of the season and BTW, it is a loosely held secret that he has 200 more at home. Need to get out more James laddie! But who has supplied the bookies pens? What will it be next? i Pads? GOOD to see Bobby Murray whizzing about again. Rumour has it that the new ramp installed for his egress on to the green will be opened by Eddie the Eagle! Keep on bowlin’ Bobby! J Who had the whitest shirt on Opening Day. It was a close call but our esteemed President just had it by a shade – do you see what I did there – from Frank O’Graham! Honourable mention to the Parker Brothers especially the older one who ironed the younger one’s brand new Ben Sherman. AND speaking of Opening Day……It is well known that several of our bowlists foregathered in Kelstar at noon for some light prandials before the big event. Now which ex President asked for only three sausages and two eggs in his Mega Breakfast as he was “eating later on”. And which Magorrian twin only had scrambled egg and sausage as he was keeping his love handles in trim for his upcoming nuptials. The same one demanded ice cream only at the dessertfest at the end of the dinner? Sorry there were no sprinkles laddie! Or a high chair!!! THE Day itself was marked by messages of congratulations from some of our leading politicians. Arelene Foster was glad to see the Red Hand of our wee country on the Falls Emblem and hoped that as many feet as possible would trample over the Green in the coming season. Gerry Adams stated that he was never a member of a bowling club in the seventies. David Forde stated that it was great how bowling could bring our divided society together and that some of his best friends were in fact………. Roman bowlers. The Socialist Party said that Falls was an elitist and exclusive organisation and that when the revolution came, the Club would be torn down to make way for a joy riding track and glue sniffing space for the disadvantaged youth of west Belfast. PAT “the Stretcher” announces that he is now on Facebook. Pity he has no friends on his FB list. Thanks to an unnamed informant who told me the story in revenge for the aforesaid Pat having taken candid pictures of him at someone’s first sixtieth party in the Club a few years back! AND talking Facebook, check out Joe Dolan’s page. Profile picture shows a reclining bowlist on a sofa wearing a silk shirt and drinking wine in a provocative manner. Bonjour Matelot! Seems Jon B Given may not be the only pink drinker in the Club! More on the poser next week! NOW as you may know, some of our finest bowlists who play in the Stadium have their own little “Rogues’ League” where they form themselves into a little tightly knit group, playing amongst themselves and talking to no one else. WELLLLL!!!! I am informed that the opposing skips in this year’s final were Ricochet Ray and Toucher Trainor and that neither could get any sleep before the big game due to excitement. Methinks if they had left their double bed which they share on a regular basis and one of them moved in to the spare room, they may not have had this problem! ANYWAY, I need not have worried about the conflict of interests regarding the Jolly Boys’ Trip to Dublin. Petit Parker has decided to back out, so it is….. “Another Brandy Alan a mhic, and do you mind sleeping on the left side of the bed!” WHICH Head Groundsman and trainee greenkeeper flushed with the excessive subvention paid to him by the Directors took a romantic beak in Donegal with his bride and organised flowers, chocolates and wine to be left in the room. Unfortunately the wine was missing but he was able to pull out a £3.75 bottle of Pinot Grigio from his Translink Travel bag. Apparently he carries it with him wherever he goes just in case he gets lucky! J And when there, he took the beloved for a meal to the Silver Tassle, where he informs me that there was only one piece of chicken in his stir fry. Little does he know that it was a mistake and it was a vegetarian fry made up of stuff left over after other diners had finished and the piece of reformed hen had been inadvertently thrown in! THE pubs on the strip in a certain resort in the Algarve can once again breathe a sigh of relief as Buster Kerr is back on home soil. Apparently he trawled each and every one on a nightly basis on his recent holiday looking for Karaoke evenings and proceeded to jump in and take over, knocking women and children to the side, forcing the clientele to leave in droves for quieter spots. Fuelled with this new addiction, he went to the sing song in the backroom a few Sundays ago and was most annoyed when he was shunned by the regulars who not only refused his pleas to sing but even tried to evict him from the seat in which he was sitting. AND finally…..nice to see a HUGE entry for the mixed pairs three ball competition. I am sure that it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it is free. Until next time…………. Keep stroking the kitty! The President and the Call Girl!
Not the Present President….Another One! FIRST of all we wish Brendan Rice a continued speedy recovery from his prolonged illness. The Bar Committee especially wish you well and hope that you are back in harness soon as profits are down. WHICH Hon Sec who freely admits to being as good at spelling as Ulster politicians are at telling the truth, passed his opening day letter and other enclosures to his bride to check for errors, and the aforesaid bride who hates incorrect spelling, proof read the stuff yet managed to miss several simple errors. Don’t worry guys, with all the advances in technology, I am sure that an automatic spell checker will be invented soon! WHAT’S the difference between Jim Brankin MEd and Vice President Sean Magorrian. I’ll tell you what. Jim gives good tips which meant I netted 200 Euro on his suggestion for Cheltenham whereas I lifted freak all squared on Magorrian’s tip! IN addition to picking team captains for the upcoming season, we also need to choose escape coordinators for away matches who will – after the second embarrassing silence at the end of the post match nosebag – give the nod to leg it for the door and home to the Club. Big Jack would be my choice. His trapping from the foodfests in last year’s Midweek A games is legendary………. I am told! AND which Jackie Collins tried to save the day in the Stadium and drove the head to reduce the lead of the opposition and only succeeded in creaming the one bowl his side had in the loose vicinity and gave away eight shots in the process. How often have you heard the elders in the Club tell you that bowls is a drawing game laddie? NOW…..some free advice. If you see me sitting with my glass of sweet sherry and a notebook and pen beside me, it is probably best not to sit down and chat. The following gem was offered freely by someone who thought he was sharing an innocent escapade of his youth with me. WHICH ex President was caught in the Red Light district of a town in the south west of the Netherlands at the age of 12? While the rest of us were making do with the underwear section of the Littlewoods Catalogue and nudie Barbie Dolls , this little scallywag was testing the waters with real women on a school trip. Allez mon brave as they say in Dutch! Similarly the private story of the Stiff One and the walk in bath was divulged to me by his current bride. IN a certain bar in Union Street, I am reliably informed that the resident band of a weekend is “Lonesome George”. Might be a new moniker for our own “Gorgeous George” when his wife turfs him outta bed for making rude noises!!!! AND talking bars…. which famous foursome went on a pub crawl in the post Festive dog days and ended up in the “Three C’s” – the drinking emporium - not the school where I once taught. One of the group referred to it as the “Three Fs”. A prize of a refreshing beverage of my choice to the first person who can tell me what the Three Cs and the Three Fs actually stand for. Friends, relations and employees of Mrs and Mr Maire Smyth and Mr and Mrs De Brun – the name by which Alan and Belinda Brown now prefer to be known by – are prohibited from entering! AND since I have given a new Irish moniker to the Browns, what about changing Billy T Aiken’s middle name to “Druid an Doras. If you do not know what that means see the resident Gaeligore Jon (without the ‘h’ - pronounced ‘aitch’ ) B Given. AND…further on social clubs – if you were signed in to a social club for a pint and no one spoke to you, would you say it was an anti social social club? AND on the subject of Mr De Brun, it has come to my attention that he has been asked to go on the Jolly Boys outing to the capital city of that foreign country of which I spoke earlier. This places me in somewhat of a dilemma. As people may know, I acquired a temporary “room boy” for the last trip to the mainland and very acceptable he was too. Now…do I go with the tried and trusted Alan mo chara from two years ago, or the smaller, younger and perfectly formed Martin Parker, the new kid on the block. Methinks I will have to set up some clinical tests where they can try to outdo each other in their efforts to please me. Although as Martin is now a selector, maybe I should choose him then he will then choose me for the Midweek A team. I am sure nothing like that has ever been done before in our wee club – no siree Jose, no way Bob! Selectors pick on merit only….it is alleged. J WHICH senior citizen was found wandering the corridors of the hotel in Ballyshannon at the annual away short mat bowls fest in high heels asking people if they wanted a good time. AND…with hardly any connection whatsoever, a quandary for the big boys. Apparently we have got a few quality players in the pre season transfer window. Now while this has been greeted with general euphoria, it may mean you, yes YOU – the neurotic one of limited ability - may not get anymore games at top level. But never worry about it, you will be ok……….probably! AND talking ghettoes which I will be next time around….…..which hubby and wifey hired a hot tub with extra bubbles for their house over the festive period. Where do they think they live eh? Malone Road like me? Swanky eh? And for the neurotic among you were YOU invited? NO? Not posh enough eh? Maybe they thought you would provide your own bubbles in your own way if you get my drift! And on the above, in a fit of pique at being one of those not invited, John Boy Walton-Given went and made his own. He was pictured naked as a jaybird on Facebook amid the bubbles holding his penguin in his hands. ** Editors note: it was actually a pelican ** WHICH Pat Butler was heard to say the “bowlers can smell each other!” Pat, it is not the unintended sexual innuendo which bothers me. It is the incorrect use of grammar. Two bowlers can smell each other, but bowlers in general, which I think you meant, smell one another! Rank bad form and example from a Masters graduate! AND talking Masters graduates, some more rank bad form. On the Life Members board, Jim Brankin’s MEd has been thoughtlessly omitted as is the honorary Doctor of Divinity awarded to Monsignor Barney Rubble by himself! I suggested this a few years back but the idea was thrown out. In a bid to raise funds, why not have a Jolly Boys Nudie calendar? Presuming we could get a camera with a wide enough lens, the good Pat Butler MSc and Mr Ex President B Eng and myself BA, Dip Ed MA, MEd. PGCScEd, Cert Tefl, ILTM could drape ourselves provocatively around the mowing machine, roller and the new wheel barrow. Sounds like a runner to me! Pat would be a natural photographic subject now with his perma tan from all the Saga holidays himself and his current squeeze go on! AND… talking about the new wheelbarrow. The old one almost had to be prised from the Head Greenkeeper’s hands just like his communion money. It was held together by dirt and tradition and the holes were patched up with duck tape and Asda bags. AND speaking of rumours, it has been said that two ex Presidents were thinking about “throwing” a couple of games in the shortmat bowlsfest in early February so that they would be freed up to watch Ireland play in the Six Nations! Until next time…. Keep strokin’ the kitty Our first blog of the season will be available on opening day.
All new touts / information is welcome at any stage throughout the season. Billy T's new nickname will be revealed and look out for the latest on the Browns', Smyths', Joe Dolan, the 'Scissors' and our Webmeister Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN
Remember before you read……all of the blog will mean something to all members and some of it will mean something to some members and all of it will mean nothing to some members.
In the new season, I will be awarding the occasional pre nominal title of ̍ King to certain members of the Club. Only a few will receive it! There is one award in this edition. Now, if I went to Lisdoonvarna with my missus and I went to the bar to buy her an adult refreshment and when I came back some cad was sitting in my seat chatting her up what would I do? Three options spring to mind (a) nut him most severely (b) send him a good strongly worded letter as people in Falls BC are prone to do when they have a problem with a fellow member (c) pull up another seat and sit down beside them and start chatting! The third option was the one taken by John “The Stare” Kerr!!!! It is lack of aggression like this which leaves most of our teams languishing outside the promotion zone! You would think that organising the seating for the President's dinner would be an easy enough task? Never a bit of it! Rather than just sitting people at random, Pat Butler MSc (with Commendation) generously asked guests with whom they would like to be seated. Rather than receiving three/four names of choice, he was given lists of others with whom people did NOT wish to sit. Sooooo…. if YOU were placed beside a bogey, you NOW know the reason why! No one else was prepared to do it. And if you are a bogey yourself and you were seated beside someone you have admired for some time…. read the previous sentence…..NO ONE ELSE WAS PREPARED TO DO IT!!!!! And for the neurotic among you, EVERYBODY wanted to sit beside you………… of course they did!! When Uncle Hugo Duncan was doing his Singalong With The Wrinklies” in the big hall, some footage was posted on the Club website and as a result it had more “hits” than the total attendance at Cliftonville FC football matches for the past five years. Thanks to Brian “the Original Dander” Smith and the “senior doorman” for taking care of logistics. And btw, why is he called the “wee man from Strabane”? Which selector was deemed to be of “limited ability on the green” after the AGM. And BTW, is it not time we had standing orders in place for further meetings? This would stop people who like to hear the sound of their own voice(s) speaking more than twice on a topic! See also Social Club Committee Meeting below….. And BTW 2…..thanks to my fellow committee members for letting me off doing the £50 draw rota of a Friday as I have commitments to my recovering beloved in that country which abuts the sovereign borders of our wee province! Which head groundsman and greenkeeper has been known to try to emulate Bear Grylls by sleeping in his home without any electricity of an occasional weekend? I think we should revisit the amount we pay our hired help. Who is the main party animal in the Club? Perhaps one of the OCD corner members which foregather on a Sunday afternoon then a Monday night but with different members? No! Brendan Rice who can down seven pints in an hour? No! Alan Brown who had a second glass of lager whilst celebrating his wife's birthday??? No….I'll tell you who. The old pink cider drinker himself…. Jon “Turbo Trunks” Given. Never freakin' stops…. Away most weekends with his missus, and when at home, out most nights of the week at some eaterie or club. Check out his Facebook page! Way to go laddie!!!! Only two stories of note from the President's Banquet. Who reported that his “do-dah” came off in his hands in the Gents Toilet? And…….Billy Niblock wishes to thank the “twins” for making it a very good night for him! J J They made an old man very happy!! Or is it a happy man very old?? And talking old men, I hear that Danny Boy Cregan is on the manager's list in Asda as being a Victor Meldrew type to be watched out for. I am sure it is not true! Congratulations to Maire and Marion for providing quality provender for the prandials at Monsignor Barney Rubble's ordination. Artisan bread, pates, olives and cheese and biscuits to go with the wine. Beats the glutimus maximus outta the perennial sausage rolls and sarnies with Lidl fillings that are normally dished up. Still you cannot please all the punters all the time. One was overheard to say “I don't eat that crap and I don't drink wine!!” Neither do the unfortunate starving souls in central Africa, dearie! And congratulations to ex President Kevin who rose from a sick bed to squirrel up the inside lane in the food queue and bag a plate the size of a certain A team player's ego! You heard it hear first folks! DO NOT on the peril of you lives miss a Social Club AGM ever again. This year's was spectacular, the best free entertainment this side of the Sperrin Mountains. People snapping at one another, accusing one another, nitpicking, etc etc. There was even a row about the pre selection of tellers and new ones had to be nominated from the floor. What would have happened if too many had been nominated? Elect tellers to count the votes for the tellers who would then be elected as tellers who would then count the votes for the elections? Yip…that silly!! For some strange reason one hundred and thirty one souls turned out and the long serving, mild mannered ̓ King Jim McCormack was replaced by a girlie! The aforesaid one hundred and thirty one received drinks vouchers but I hear that some were sold on the black market as I am told people who did not attend the meeting were seen exchanging them for recreational beverages at the bar as well as some who were not even full members!!! A very comprehensive financial report was presented. It was good to see that the phone bill was down for the first time in years – by almost four hundred pounds! Well done whoever was responsible! J As usual the Vets “do” went swimmingly with record numbers attending and only one small skirmish between two people, one of whom should know better. One wonders how many would attend if it was called the “Old Folks Do!” Again, it is a pity that those who could declare for the wrinklies seem to be able to attend this bash but not play on a team? Bad form all round! The Jolly Boys annual Christmas outing visited a selection of sophisticated drinking emporiums in downtown Belfast. Led by William Trainor, the following caroused into the wee small hours: the small but perfectly formed Pepe Lee, John “the Stare” Kerr, Kevin “Who ate the Pies?” Brennan, the Stiff One, and Sean “The Parcel” Magorrian.. William T informs me that they found both the National Club and the Cloth Ear to be strange places. I am surprised that they actually let you in to one, and did not let you out of the other establishment! I could not be there as I was in Lapland at the time where I learned that in addition to being shite at bowls I was also equally shite at husky riding, skidooing and tobogganing! When a five year old kid zooms past you on the junior piste it is time to think about taking up tiddlywinks again! I trust that all your sofas have been delivered in time for Christmas and remember that it is a time for remembering the birth of Jesus and not Santa! Until the pre season blog Keep stroking the kitty…………. Warning: Contains material of an adult nature:
If you were in the Club last week you will have noticed the posters for a music and dance fest on September 25th featuring The Dead Handsomes and Carby. If you walked in this week the posters were amended to The Dead Handsomes and Cabaret!!! Neither the promoter nor the poster maker will accept responsibility for the error. Anyway, it is for charity and should be a good night as the featured act in the Carby – sorry Cabaret – will be the Magorrian Twins. My thanks to Harry “Three Stripes” for the following three gems…. Three weeks ago Caolan Parker was 18 for the first time. His dad brought him to the club for his first legal pint only to announce on arrival that he had neither cash nor bank card about his person. He then tapped his son for £50. Kept that one quiet didn’t ya Marty boy! Don’t forget to charge him the £3 for all the away matches you brought him to!!! And while we are at it……give him back his Communion money. In the changing room last Saturday Pat Butler said he was not available for the following Tuesday's game. Dan Cregan replied that it was about time his rink was strengthened!! . And did you know Butsie had two touchers on the same end at Downpatrick and he made everyone there aware of it. Pity about his last two bowls….. both 5 yards short. For the sporting ones amongst you, you will know that teams can use a “blood” substitute. A recent survey of the elder bowlists in the Club would suggest that we should have “urine” substitutes, judging by the number of players who toddle off to the toilets in mid game! Which occasional Midweek B bowler nearly did a Niall Walsh by setting his carpet on fire with an industrial cleaner. He and his beloved – we will call her Linda, cos that is her name – were sitting watching X Factor when they smelled what they thought was popcorn popping? No laddie, it was your stair carpet. Fair play tho’…….you replaced the incinerated part with one which nearly matches. A man on a galloping horse could not tell the difference except that there are no men nor galloping horses in Finaghy Road South! Maybe in the flats in Ballymun but not in South Belfast!!! Some ideas for making bowling more popular on television, include the following takes on existing programmes: Come Bowl With Me. Bowling with the Kardashians. Extreme Bowling. Criminal Bowling. But the piece de resistance has to be, Strictly Come Bowling. We could have myself and Vanessa Feltz paired in one of the singles – some shadows on the green there, with or without the lights. Jimmy “the Pipe Cleaner” Murtagh could mark the tie! In the four bowl pairs, Brendan Griffen and the Ardoyne Anointer might play the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Dali Lama! In the two bowl pairs we could have our own Gorgeous George Keatings and Paul McCarney against George Clooney and Johnny Depp . We would need extra mirrors and hair gel in the dressing room. Then in the Mixed Triples we would have Billy T Aiken-Grayson (BA Hons 2:2 ) with Alan Carr and Dale Winton! Settle boys! Which Greenmeister put the wrong locks on the wrong gates and had Brian “The Dander” Smith groping in his tool box for the bolt cutters? Which Freddie McCorry will be next seen mincing in to the Club with his jacket draped over his shoulders and a trace of Egyptian number 27 stage make up over his left eye to show people that he had been an extra in a movie!!! Mwah, Mwah, Luvvie! My thanks also to a certain wifey for telling me that her hubby John “Racing Snake” Kerr works out for three hours a day in the gym. He also wears sky blue lycra leggings and a luminous green sweatband on his head and a yellow one on his wrist. Now the last bit is not true but when you see him, bet you the image comes in to your head!!!!! Betya that’s the last time you’ll leave your beloved in my company while you swan off to play bowls Johnnie boy! But also………. not only did “Racing Snake” go to the gym. Apparently the Ballast Twins Brennan and Butler also went and the latter also had his own personal trainer!! Rumour has it that Jim Armstrong is penning a new version of the old Rugby song “Good Ship Venus”. He is calling it “The Good Ship Butsie”. Butler finds this extremely funny apparently. I have asked the erstwhile poet to include a rhyming stanza with the opening line, “The first mate’s name was Brankin…..” And you thought the Dan Cregan story about the lost phone could not be bettered???!!! Jim Copeland misplaced his keys last week and had the whole Club scurrying about looking for them in the toilets, locker room, kitchen etc etc….. Car keys, front door keys – the heap were gone. They phoned John Tierney to see if he had taken them, but he was in a rum induced coma and could not be woken. He could not even get the train home where he had a spare set cause his bride and hived off to Scotland or Blackpool or somewhere so there was no one there. The aforementioned Dan offered to put him up for the night for a mere £25 excluding breakfast. This only made Copey go more grey! Before the police were summoned, the keys were eventually found nestling as you will have guessed in Jimmy boy’s coat pocket!! His brown one, not the blue one. He has two you see which he carries with him at the same time!!! Some people should not be let out alone!!!! J I have a note in my little book about “Oranges and the aforementioned Dan Cregan” but cannot for the life of me remember what it was about. Ah well……. Which cross dresser wore his wife’s whites in the Vets Four Bowl Pairs Final as he could not find his own?? Eamon Logue – that’s who! Sometime in April I messaged the Hon Sec and asked him for the date of the Club Finals. He replied with the date and appended that I was a tad presumptuous. Well Mr Hon Sec….. as it happens I was not presumptuous as me and my mate Danny Boy Cregan won the Vets Four Bowl Pairs. And so to the awards……….. The Gerry Adams Irish Language Award/An Damhachtain Ghaelige Gearoid Mac Adaim: Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN (thanks for the help with the translation Seán Óg a chara! ) Dutchman Of The Year: Peter “Sports Direct” Thompson. Runner Up – The Guy With The Funny Name Who Plays In The Midweek B Team. Most Astonishing Transformation On A Presidential Trip: Garvan Mitchell Best Performance At A Bar Mitzvah: Rabbi Jackovitch Collinski Most Innovative Use of Colgate And Vaseline For Something Other Than A Sexual Activity: Sixty six year old Joe Rea The Award For Most Opposition to The In The Ditch Column: Some of the Girlies The Award For Most Consistent Setting Of The Mat During A Game And In Rehearsals: All the Girlies Rowdiest Post Match Carousing Award: Some of the Girlies The Julian Clary Pass Remarkable Award: Jim “the Pipe Cleaner” Murtagh. Runners Up, Some of the Girlies. The Donald Trump Perma Tan Award: Danny McKinney The Donald Trump Sincerity Award: Danny McKinney The Donald Trump Moneybags Award: Danny McKinney Best Dressed Morning Bowler: Dapper Dominic O’Neill for his simmit and braces ensemble The Award For Bowler Most Likely To….Marty Quinn The Imelda Marcos Award For Most Shoes taken Away On A Presidential Trip: Jim McCormack The Vanessa Feltz Award For Biggest Suitcase Brought On The Presidential Trip: Jim McCormack (Note to winner: Jim Laddie, if you deflated the blow up dolls before you packed the case, you could bring a smaller one!) The Humphrey Bogart Award For Most Repeated Use Of Positive Encouragement From A Skip: Monsignor Brendan Griffin for his endearing use of phrases such as “Play it again Sam!” “Whatever length you like!” “Another yard would do ye!” And it’s a toucher!” The Roger McCaul Award For Prettiest Bowler: Jointly Awarded to Jimbo Magorrian and Paul McCarney. Keep moisturing guys……..just like your dads! Book Keeper of the Year: Alan Brown for his fastidious account keeping in his little red book of the amount he and his beloved spent on their annual holiday in Spain. Accounts can be traced back three years and yearly differentials are noted and those who overspend - viz Linda - are reprimanded. Honourable Mention: Billy T Aiken-Grayson BA Hons (2:2). The Award For Those Who Thought They Were Getting An Award But Didn’t: Jim “No Nickname” Armstrong The Father Eugene Award For The Person Who Has Never “Knifed” Another Bowlist Behind That Bowlist’s Back: Father Eugene. Runner Up:- Jim McGetterick The Award For Shortest Time Carrying A Man Bag: Gerry Lee Shortest Captain’s Speech: Rabbi Jackovitch Collinski The Kray Twins Award: The Scissor Sisters The Bland Award ( for never having been mentioned in a blog - ever ):- “Interesting” Joe “The Skip” Ferguson The Dan Cregan Whingeing Award: Dan Cregan Best Tout: Paddy “C’mere til I tell Ye” Butler; Runner Up William T Aiken-Grayson BA (Hons 2:2). Runner Up: Special Commendation: Harry “Three Stripes” Sergeant The Tom Kennedy Memorial Award For Blagging Most Free Dinners at Girlie Matches: Jointly awarded to John Tierney and Sean McAvoy. Honourable Mention Gentleman Jim Copeland Lazarus Award: Jointly Sean McAvoy and James Copeland for comebacks on the bowling pitch The Pat Butler Award For Most Decibels Used At Any One Time: Tommy Spence Hamburgeristas of the Year….Chefs Gerry “Man at C&A” Lee, Tommy “The Voice” Spence and Brian “The Original Dander” Smith Honorary Award: Club Chaplain – All Denominations: Brendan Griffin. Runner Up , Fr Eugene – Catholics only. Bloggers Of The Year: Those who took the time to get involved in responding to the blog! Thick Skin Of The Year: Billy T Aiken-Grayson BA Hons (2:2). Special Commendation: All those others whom I have lampooned and took it in the spirit in which it was intended. Lifetime Achievement Award: Most Spectacular Exit From A Bowling Green, Home or Away: Chris Forsyth RIP. Hope you are bowlin’ with Niall and Gerry up there – fondly remembered all of you – and sadly missed! L Until next year………… The Blogmeister has left the building. The penultimate blog of the year…….
Who is going to polish Alan Brown’s Stroke Rail!!!!??? Who is in the process of learning a song for the Vets’ dinner in case he is asked to sing?? Who said of one of the Girlies……… “She must have been a fine looking woman in her time”??? And who was the fine looking woman??? Who arrived at Falls BC from Mossley BC to play an away game only to find that the game was actually at Mossley……Brendan Rice’s cousin that’s who! Who spent the morning rolling up on each lane in turn in advance of a singles tie, then promptly lost the tie……our resident horticultural engineer – that’s who! Which current bowlists are known as the “Penthouse Poppets”? Which drinker of pink cider allegedly played a game last weekend nursing a massive hangover? And…………which drinker of pink cider is attending the Oktoberfest in Belfast this year. You know it’s the one where there is lotsa beer, knee slapping, carousing and leatherwear!!! Perhaps he could stand in the background and do a Morris dance with his wrist as limp as Larry Grayson – the real one not our one!!!! Should Jimmy “the Sharpener’s” handle be changed to “Pass Remarkable”. An ex president would think so!!! Which of the Scissor Sisters cannot talk if her hands are tied behind her back! It is said that John Tierney makes his own dinner of an evening when he gets home from the Club. Listen laddie, the only thing you make when you get home in the way of eating, is a phone call to the local Chinese!!!! As the blogger “Top Half” has been outed as “ Billy T Aiken - Grayson I now have Dizzi Rascal narrowed down to two……one male , one female – one not a bowler, the other a bowler!! New consignment of dummies needed apparently! Four pieces which did not make earlier columns due to lack of space………. Who dropped some DVDs for the “discerning gentleman” through his mate’s door only to find that the aforesaid mate actually lived one door up!! Who did not turn up at the appointed time for his dinner and was forced to eat crisp sarnies while his dog burped and farted a lot!! Which senior bowler was spotted sitting uncomfortably outside the womens’ changing room in the lingerie section in M and S Which host served up a homemade beef consommé to his guests at his sophisticated dinner party who were more than suspect that it was Bovril with bits of Andytown Meats mince in it. Shudda bucked in some sherry lad. That wudda fooled them! It works for me! ……….I have been told to say nothing about the new mats and jacks locker……….so I won’t! Pat Butler is married twenty three years this week folks – only seems like …well twenty three years ago. And talking Butlers……….the happy couple were invited on to their old cruise ship by their travel company as it parked in Belfast Dock, for a liquid lunch. As it was free, Butsie readily availed of the opportunity of a gratis nosebag and a multitude of recreational beverages and ended up buying his next year’s holiday at the end of it. Got a good deal apparently……….course you did laddie!!! OK you do have a balcony and there is no such thing as a free nosebag! Dan Cregan……seeing I carried you in the semi final of the four bowls pairs (Vets) how about spending some of the fifty quid you won on the horses and which you kept to your self!!! As you have no doubt heard, mine is a large one!!! OK so you dropped nine shots to Billy T Aiken-Grayson and were distraught. Get over it McGarrity although in fairness he would be hard pushed to get a similar score against your mum! J Peter “Sports Direct” Thompson is retiring again at the age of sixty eight. He is being passed into the care of Age Concern or the Community, whoever will take him first! One more year Petesey Babeee and it could have been a sixty nine for you! Apparently Brian Smith is stepping down as a selector. You will be either missed or replaced Brian! Annual In The Ditch Award Deferred to Next Week! Still time to get nominations in to [email protected]….anonymity assured!!! Keep the chalk wet……..If it wouldn't be too much trouble.... Don’t know if I mentioned this already……….but why is it only the Big Boys and their wee brothers who are allowed to wear whites. What about Vets whom I play for and Midweek? Second class citizens??
I thought it was frowned upon for a girlie to mark a male tie? I have been informed that this shabby practice is still going on……and at high levels too! Shame!!!! I mentioned in last week’s column that I would not be referring to Danny “the Selector” Cregan any more. I lied! I have it on good authority that the whole of the Enterprise train from Dublin plus the Tyrone Senior football team was on its hands and knees looking for his lost phone which was safely nestling in his top pocket. And………while his fellow diners on his Riverdance jaunt necked plates of haute cuisine in a French restaurant washed down with very acceptable clarets before boarding the aforesaid train, the Frugalmeister had ‘champignons sur des toasts’ – mushrooms on toast to you - and I quote “ a glass of plain tap water – none of that fancy expensive sparkling stuff!!” Hope the bread was brown Danny. You are a true gourmande………and a tight one at that!!! Oh yes! He had some steak as well apparently! And talking canny diners…..Mal Mulligan and his bride dine frequently of an afternoon in the STREAT in the Kennedy Centre. Piri Piri Chicken is his dish of choice. He has necked so much that he now has a loyalty card and avails regularly of the free refills of coffee. He points out that the all day breakfast is to be avoided at all costs!!! Good customer alert Mal! Aaaannnd…….the Frugalmeister was miffed that his grandson, something in the theatre as I mentioned before, did not get him a box. He told me that he could not have gotten everyone a box! I am quite sure that if your little group knew there was a spare box going, they would have clubbed together to get one for you to get some relief from the incessant whingeing!! J My beloved gives off to me for constantly lampooning the frugal one saying, “It’s nice to be nice to the nice”. She’ll learn!!! Who pays his TV licence six months after the due date? Alan Brown, that’s who. What a rebel!! Bet he takes his cornflakes without milk too eh??? I know a story about him and his bus pass which I will share at the bar! And apropos of nothing………it is a general rule that skips should be of a higher quality than their front end, that they should encourage them, that they should take pre match advice regarding opponents’ weaknesses and also take advice on what hand to play during a game. Just sayin’………. For information, Jimmy “The Enforcer” not only has resumed his bowling but his collection of savings. Congratulations to Billy T Grayson who shut the door on Butsie in their recent head to head. He hopes it will now get him a run in the B Team. Listen laddie, you would have more chance getting a run in the Girlies’ Holy Bus! And yet another one for the neurotics amongst you…….Do you know that sign that the Greenmeister puts down when he has sprayed fertiliser which says “Wash Your Hands”? You know the stuff is poisonous don’t you so I hope you did indeed wash them and that you didn’t lick your fingers before delivering you bowls. What? You can’t really remember but you think you didn’t wash and you did lick. Oh well, if nothing has happened to you by now you are ok…………. Probably. Just a thought…..if golfists can have caddies, why not bowlists? They could polish the tools of the trade before the game, hand them to you at the oche before you deliver, tell you the best line to take, run up the pitch after you when you needlessly chase the jack up to the head and it sails past into the ditch as I saw one of our skips do in a recent game………….could be a winner! And to the certain arrogant SOB who avowed he would reach the semis of a certain singles competition after he had seen the running order……a Bart Simpson “heh heh!!” to you!!!! Which Michael Gannon BEd will be sewing on his own sequins for Strictly Come Hoofing in the Whitla Hall, Queens University later this year? Word on the street is that Mother Teresa was a better mud wrestler than he is a dancer!!! And talking dancing, which barman is a self confessed line dancing addict?!!? And just to remind you that a certain gardener– remember he used to keep chickens in his back garden but a fox got one and he choked the other - grows an abundance of strawberries which he sells to discerning fruit lovers. But unfortunately, he can’t get rid of his cherries no matter how he tries! Please help Liam Trainor BA (Hons 2:2) out by putting pound coins in the £50 draw pint glass the night he does the collection rather than the loose shrapnel which some undesirables do!! As he has to count it and it is a slow process, it does not please him. I’m only sayin’ that’s all! Which bowler is affectionately referred to by my daughter as “Sunbeds”? Apparently he has more money than God according to one of the girlies! And remember that the ditch is for errant bowls thrown by bowlists who cannot judge distance, not for fag ends!!! Almost time so get your nominations in for the annual “In The Ditch Awards” which will be announced next week. Already I have the following ……Rabbi Jackovitch Collinski, Sixty Six Year Old Joe Rea, Danny McKinney, Alan Brown, Billy T Aiken-Grayson BA (Hons 2:2), Joe “The Skip” Ferguson, Father Eugene. And another one for the neurotic amongst you…………do you know that when the selectors get together, they talk about you………….yes you, nobody else except you and it’s probably not very good……….but don’t let it worry you…………much!!!! And you thought I was finished with Danny Boy….I was sat sitting watching his Midweek A team play when three spectators ran in almost simultaneously to report that he had said, on giving advice to one of his team mates………. “Play whatever hand you like, unless you change your mind!” Priceless Dan! And another quote purported to be from Jimmy “ the Sharpener”….. “The best Midweek B rink is the four reserves!” Keep the chalk wet! Maureen McMullan, if you cannot tell the sex of a jelly baby, I have the very man to show you!
If you want to know how many days to Christmas – TO THE NEAREST FREAKIN’ SECOND ask the Greenmeister. He has an app…..ask him to show it to you in the presence of John “The Dulcemeister”Tierney and watch what happens!!! And talking Greenmeisters…. which Greenmeister was somewhat scathing of the alleged age of fifty year old Paul McGeough??? And when told he had a twin, replied “Who?” I have been asked to pose the question “Who started divinely and finished divinely in the PG “Junior” Cup match recently?” Playing against Mossley early in the week, I noticed that their ladies were out rehearsing with long jacks, short jacks, mats in, mats out, playing to a strategically constructed head etc. Maybe you should think about it ladies. Not the men of course…oh no…. not at all…….no not in very deed L “You can stuff your friendlies with the Scots next year. I won’t play!”………a post Glasgow vitriolic dummy spit from someone who was not invited! Listen laddie, if you were not invited on this trip….it is unlikely that you will be asked to play in the friendlies either and if I was President, I would not have invited you either!! And talking dentists from last week………Who has to have a specialist dentist to work on his teeth? Stevie the Stiff that’s who! No ordinary BDS will do! Apparently he has a condition which warrants it! Who arrived on the pitch at Ballymena in his simmit and without bowls? Gary Mc Williams that’s who! Pat Butler avowed to Gary that he would not mention this to me. He lied! Thanks Pat! And well done Gary on winning the first bag off the carousel sweepstake on the Glasgow trip…..you deserved it with your infectious sense of humour which pervaded the whole weekend!!! Rab’s new love nest is available for visitors any time except when he is actually on the nest!! And Carlos son…….when you plant two on the jack, the sporting thing to say to outside opposition is either “That was lucky!” or “Sorry ‘bout that” NOT “ Take that ya *******!! Even Presidents are not exempt from getting done. Kevin “Bootlegger” Brennan BSc ……. for the graduates among you, note the alliteration with the consecutive use of the “B” consonant …….. is in the process of making sloe gin with juniper berries. And how do I know this? Cos he bored the collective arses offa his drinking buddies two Sundays ago going through the process bit by bit from maceration through to distillation. He makes elderflower wine as well and according to his present squeeze “it is not offensive after three large glasses” which means that you are more likely to get wasted drinking Ribena! What entrepreneurship, what endeavour, what a cheapskate!!! OK men bowlers…hands up………. who has not changed or washed his shirt since the start of the season!!!! I know at least one and it is not me!! Driver Alert Number One: …..Brilliant comment by Danny McKinney on Rabbi Jack’s driving….. “When he drives we all close our eyes - just like he does!” Driver Alert Number Two:….. Avoid hitching a ride to games with Eamon Logue. By all accounts his road skills are akin to my bowling skills…………yip that bad! Driver Alert Number Thee……..old quote from Eddie McNally as he sped on to a roundabout ignoring the give way to right law………. “I was there first!” Driver Alert Number Four……..do not give Alan Brown a lift to a match unless you make sure he winds the window up completely after he has let it down to let some air in. A sizeable volume of two buckets loads of water made its way in as I washed the car. He does however make a mean roasted pepper and tomato soup……….and you thought he was just a bowler with a pretty face!! It is well known that the Club has a stable of artists and their work was rightly lauded at an exhibition almost two years ago. It is a lesser well known fact that there are a number of penmen/women who have been experimenting with creative writing either in classes or behind the confines of their own four walls. It is proposed to establish a Falls Writing Group who would initially meet for 6-8 weeks of collective teaching and sharing and perhaps hold a presentation night of readings at the end with any proceeds going to Club funds. If interested simply mail [email protected] and we will see if and how we can proceed. And for those of you new to the blog who play front end bowls – including the neurotics - dig out the archives from a few years back to get some informative guidelines and exhortations from skips and what they really mean when they say. A short sample follows:- “Just carrying a few!”…………...Crap! “Just put a few on!”……………..Crap “Good try!”……………………...Crap! “The line was great!”……………Crap! “You know what you need”……..A Different Game Son!!!!!! And another one for the neurotics amongst you…………how many of you have entered every single competition and have been dumped out at the first round in every one? Ah ha….thought so! Remember Quentin Crisp’s old saying….. “If at first you don’t succeed – failure may be your style!” Some more musings from the “Mild Bunch” trip to Glasgow. Firstly the performance enhancing drugs were gone five minutes after the surgery opened in the OCD corner on Thursday. And who had the full Ulster before they left home and had another one in George Best Airport two hours afterwards??? As I pulled into the car park for the trip, I noticed a small group of brown skinned gentlemen scurrying to and fro. On closer observation, these were deemed to be Sherpas waiting to load Jim McCormack’s luggage on to the Coach! Keep the chalk wet…….. Now this may appear on Sunday circa 8.00 pm as normal or Monday morning depending on how much pink cider Sean Boy Walton has consumed in the Club. As I write he was giving it a good seeing to so there may be some delay…………
(editor's note: I was well behaved and the copy was posted before the 8pm deadline!) Anyway this week’s column offers a selection from the Mild Bunch’s trip to Glasow. As there was a certain exclusivity to the trip, not everything that was recorded has been included – it will appear elsewhere ……………. Anyway, as we tried to leave the Club to affect ingress to one of the private coaches to take us to the airport, for which we paid an extra £32, we were subjected to a cascade of water from the ongoing leak from the Club roof top. Any chance guys?? I was glad to see the younger McCloskey had changed his salmon pink socks from the previous night’s semi final where apparently Dan Cregan played out of his epidermis!! Really sorry you lost boys and by one shot…………..ouch! At least you had the travelling support of some of the girlies in the open invitation bus. It is rather unfortunate that the sweet singing of the nursery rhymes perfected at the Ballymun hiatus was drowned out by ribald choruses of “The Good Ship Venus!” As usual Commandant Brian Smith’s oration was succinct and to the point. Nice to see Rabbi Collinski is adding to his congregation in the shape of Patrovitch Lilliski! And so to the trip. As usual, a mixture of bonhomie, too much drink and out of tune singing pervaded. It is hoped that when the Girlies do their own trip which is proposed next year to Lough Dearg or Knock or somewhere similar there will be much more civility. I have been reliably informed by Stevie Murphy that when he is President, it will be a cruise, no bowls, no women – just beer. Like your style Stevie. Which ex Secretary had an extra five minutes in bed before the bus left, keeping everybody late???? Allez mon brave!!!! At the airport, Michael McCarney again showed elements of his other side as he sidled up to a pretty boy and commented on his tan! Michael…..cross over son – you have our full support! The check in staff were perplexed when myself MA, MEd etc etc etc etc, Pat Butler MSc, Brendan McCloskey, Tommy Spence all checked in together. There were rumblings of putting on another plane!! After security, which bowlist told me he was going to the Perfumery to get some aftershave, then went to the free samples, had a few squirts then returned smelling like a Turkish brothel? Stevie Murphy………….congratulations for winning the parade of the man bags! Thanks to Jimmy the Crutch for doing the £50 draw while we were necking beer at £2.20 a pint and whiskeys at £2.00 a double………….a Crackerjack pen and pencil is yours! How many people left gear behind at Rankin Park and how many others had costume malfunctions???……….and to Jim McCormack and Martin Parker who swapped playing shirt and fleece with opponents for almost feck all………. Well next time think about it when you are sober! Who got done at the airport on the return for trying to slip through security with a cylinder of oxygen, and a smartwatch? Rice and Given…that’s who! Quote of the weekend. “I am the original dander!”………….who said it? Who went to the chocolate factory to get some more supplies to cover himself so that he could recommence eating himself? Who shared a romantic meal for two in a sophisticated Italian restaurant? Who stumbled up Sauchiehall Street after midnight spilling most of a fish supper down himself……Billy Connolly would have been sooooooo proud. Which assistant cleric blessed Messrs Garvin and Sean cos they needed to feel the power of Jesus? Room boy Required ( Readvertisement) The position for Room Boy for the next Presidential trip has become vacant due to the last one being not up to standard. My demands are not high…..a large whiskey presented in my hand my already drawn bath with herbal infusions at 7.20 am with two cubes of ice. If it is one or three cubes it will be returned! A reading of two chapters from George Orwell’s 1984 as I retire for the night followed by a selection from desert island discs. Other services to be discussed!! I have been told that Larry Grayson is alive and well and living the body of a certain Committee member!! And BTW the shower rail came tumbling down on Larry G’s head as he scrubbed himself on the last morning of the trip! You must have been exfoliating yourself with extra rubs Larry! As I bent down to deliver a bowl in Rankin Park, a smell of mothballs wafted across my nose….it was the good Jim Copeland stripping off for the first time in a coon’s age to use a non pc term to take Club colours and the pitch at the same time. Welcome back Jim. He celebrated his return with a few glasses of vino afterwards! And talking Copelands….who lost a fiver by incorrectly betting that James could not finish the monster brekkie in Lauder’s Pub! Guess who Garvan’s fav beat group of all time is????????? Squeeze!!! You need to get out more ladie!! The Dan Cregan Sunday Supplement Yet again I have to correct some errors in my reporting. I forgot to add in last week’s column that the eponymous Dan Cregan was given two apple tarts before the Mixed Triples food fest. I also have it on good authority that the delightful Alice Hanna furnished him with a home baked rhubarb tart later in the week which made him – how can I put this delicately – rather mobile. Well, it will do that Danny boy if you horse it in to you all in one go! And further……he broke a filling on a caramel so where does he go? To his own personal orthodontist/hygienist? Never a bit. The parsimonious pragmatist went to the dental school to the apprentice dentists who by all accounts “give better service”. Yip! And they are also free! Annnnddddd………..At the Mixed Triples the only thing he did not eat was the cheese as it makes him a little peculiar! So he took extra biscuits instead…….and was still nibbling on them almost a week later on the road trip to Ballymena! Bet he brought some more with him to Dublin where he went to see Riverdance with his wrinkly ramblers. Even though his nephew is something in the theatre, he was unable to procure house seats for Daniel who is not best pleased! At least you got free on the train Daniel! And who cannot tell the difference between male and female toilets….eh? Yet again I refer ALL readers to the sidebar on this site which gives the rationale behind the column and disclaims the Club from any content. It is a bit of light hearted fun. If you are offended please talk to me!! Keep the chalk wet!! Yet again I am happy to correct an error in my reporting. Last week I suggested that some parvenu had upstaged Jimmy The Crutch-Sharpener by putting bookies’ pens in the Jocks Locker Room. It was in fact Jimmy himself in an unconditional act of philanthropy and I am assured that they were ARGOS pens!
For those travelling to Glasgow, just to let you know that the Pillmeister has only limited supplies of his performance enhancing drugs left. His surgery in the OCD corner will be open on Thursday afternoon next week. When they’re gone, they’re gone. Apparently sipping a G and T makes you a bad person according to a certain Midweek B skip! After speaking with a fellow bowlist in the confines of the dressing room, I am reminded of two things…………. (i) they walk amongst us and……….(ii) always make sure you position yourself between them and the door as my old College mentor used to tell me!! How many girlies do you reckon got their hair done for the Cup Final? More than several – that’s how many!! And most of you did indeed look beautiful!! And in preparation for the aforesaid Final they played the top jocks in the Club to hone their skills. Now I could get at the one loosing skip, Peter McGarrity for this, but he is getting done big time elsewhere so I choose one of his lackies “Pass Remarkable” Jim Murtagh instead. Listen James, it was Girlies you were playing!!!! My hamster could have taken them on a wet Sunday, but you laid down and died. Bernie McCullough was over the moon. I pity poor Derek who was looking forward to a nice cup of coffee and the “Antiques Roadshow” afterwards and was probably subjected to “victory loving” thanks to your incompetence!! Well done Bernadette and rink – well deserved win! And Jimmy Boy – any time you are ready….I’ll take you on……..and out! What’s a “high five”? The good doctor from Malone BC certainly does not know, or else he refuses to indulge in pseudo African American forms of “you da man” which Billy T tried to enforce on him! Hear there is a Starbucks Franchise opening in the Riverdale area???!!!! Or maybe not! Just in case you read this non bowlist……bowling nosebags are for bowlers only!!! And talking nosebags………… Dan Cregan….. bravo for scuttling into the silver medal position in the Mixed Triple Nosebag Stakes and hoovering up circa thirty per cent of the total provender available on to your plate with the quote “I hope I haven’t taken too much”!! Which B team lead arrived at the Club naked except for his undies, socks, shoes, Club jacket and nothing else? Which bowlist arrived down to the Club with his wife in tow to make sure the jacket he was buying from the estate of the late Aiden Hanna was the correct size! Listen Laddie……. learn to do things for yourself. Bet when you get a smudge on your cheek, she wets her handkerchief and dabs it off!! Ask Ray McIlroy did he enjoy walking around the theme parks in Florida? Then ask Michael Martin his favoured relation. You will not get the same answer. In fact one might be full of expletives!! Rumour has it that we need to order new dummies as quite a number were spat out last week, especially when team sheets were put up! The stories from the “Love Boat” abound, related by the good Peter McGarrity himself on return from his cruisette. The list of “crimes” aboard was endless. A waiter was stabbed and two people died. Rumour has it – well it doesn’t but I am saying it – that the waiter stabbed himself and the others took lethal injections to avoid his endless stories of his bowling prowess! In addition, three families were put off in Spain and a waitress was let go in France! Agatha Christie could not freakin’ write it!! Just as well the gratuities were paid up front ‘cos I am reliably told that in a previous year, the aforesaid Greenmeister, legged it from a Sorrento pension without leaving a tip after a week’s stay. He missed his breakfast as he hurried to escape and spent three times what a normal person would have left as a tip on a nosebag in the airport!!! One of the joys of being Blogmeister is that you can have a convivial conversation with someone without them knowing that you are mentally recording everything they say. Sooooo………..who cannot be left alone when he goes on holiday with friends and family!??! Pat McClean - that’s who. He got lost not only in Berlin but also Rome. In the latter case he went out for oranges for breakfast and just kept walking. It was dark when a kind lady eventually dumped him off in a taxi at his hotel!!!! Great stories Pat. Thanks for making me laugh. Who is our own Bear Grylls, off to the wilds to hunt and fish next week???? Talking skips and leads and mixed Triples, a certain lady played lead to another certain lady as skip and avowed although the lady skip lady was “ a shite skip” she was, in fact, a very nice woman.! And further on skips and Mixed Triples……….just because some of you were skips in this competition does not mean that you really are a skip. Know what I’m sayin??.......... And leading on…. for the neurotics amongst you. So you were playing lead in the Mixed Triples and one of the senior bowlers was skip. Of course he/she was not inwardly cursing you for being useless. It’s only in your mind. Everyone thinks you are great………….’course they do! Next week…….more for the neurotic among you! And finally an original cheap smutty seaside postcard slogan for your T shirt…….. “Bowlers do it bending down”………..Go on Michael Martin Moore – I dare you, get one done!! Keep the chalk wet!......... Who sidled into the Club last Thursday like a cross between the Pink Panther and a crab, secreting his bowls behind his back so no one could see? Eddie the Onion, that’s who! And why? ‘Cos they were bright purple and he was gonna try them out, that’s why. Listen laddie, aren’t you a tad old for purple bowls!! Even I do not use mine on the home pitch! They are kept for the winter training facility at Shaw’s Bridge He was followed closely by Liam Trainor and his green tartan shorts. What style Liam. Dare you to wear them to the Mixed Triples Finals which you will undoubtedly be watching from the bleachers!! Who, en route to Castleton for a Midweek B game, dashed into McDonalds at Kennedy Way for a double cheeseburger, large fries, onion rings and a side of chicken nuggets and a milk shake. Paul McGeough that’s who! Apparently he had not eaten since lunchtime when he only had a 12 oz sirloin with fries (again) and this time sautéed onions (burp!). He made it to the away pitch at 6.29 pm telling his co travellers that they should not have worried as he did in fact make it on time. I am happy to state that the comments attributed to Jim Lowe last week were only partially correct. I must check my sources more closely! Unfortunately I have had to pull the story of the German porn star because the younger Magorrian twin shaved off his moustache!! Forgot to include this in last week’s column. You may remember Neil Diamond and the John Tierney Tribute Band were in the Province recently. Where was he directed to on his day off? Causeway Coast? Titanic Quarter? Mournes? Nope! Donaghadee – that’s where. Just wanted the sea air did you Neil baby??? Quality choice! You were directed well!!! When I phoned my current squeeze to tell her I had been dispatched by young Maxi in the Vets singles I was told “Yes I thought he would he would beat you!” The support of a good woman eh? Bet Andy Murray’s bride did not tell him that when good old Roger creamed him!!! If you are in a mood for some bubbling conversation, get yourselves along to the Tom Kennedy Memorial corner, known by some of the rougher sorts as the OCD corner, of a Sunday Morning where Brendan Griffen holds court for a small group of aficionados. Not to be missed. Even Bobby Murray turns up occasionally. Jeez I thought you had suffered enough mate. For those of you in the Savings Scheme it is apparently permissible to lodge stuff other than cash. A certain ex Secretary recently lodged four dozen cans of Tennants so get into your lofts and dig out old Beatles 45s, Compendiums of Games, bags of door knobs and your old crepe shoes. You never know what you will get for them. Who was caught by the security system in Asda’s trying to steal face cream and was frisked and was put up against the wall to see if she had any other unctions secreted about her body. Mrs Stephen Smyth …that who!! She was told not to shop in the store any more, was given a warning and told by the police to leave the jurisdiction of our wee six counties. OK…….. only a very tiny bit of this is true – well actually hardly any - and I of course embellish the story, but I am short of stuff! Talk to her for the true version! It is well known that the Japanese use umbrellas to shade themselves from the sun. Well Tommy McKiernan Sensai, at the Girlies’ semi final did just that but did not cover his two lady friends who ended up looking like Maine Lobsters while Thomas was as white as Jon Given after a rake of pink ciders!!. Way to go Tommy San! The generosity of Peter McGarrity knows no bounds. After putting £1,000 across the bar at the recent nuptials to pay for social lubricants for the guests the waitress came up at the end of the night to give him back the underspend of £100. His words were “ Don’t embarrass me love, just keep it!” A true Arthur Daley! What a benefactor, what style what a………….. Driver Alert Number Two……………..NEVER NEVER NEVER travel to Larne or anywhere else for that matter with Mrs Deirdre Keatings’ husband. There is not a freakin thing he does not know about roadworks………..that short white lane markings are nine metres apart and cats eyes are eighteen metres apart, that small cones cost eight pounds etc etc etc . And most importantly if there is an area of chevrons If the area is marked with chevrons and bordered by solid white lines you MUST NOT enter it except in an emergency see Laws MT(E&W)R regs 5, 9, 10 & 16, MT(S)R regs 4, 8, 9 & 14, RTA sect 36 & TSRGD 10(1). I could write a whole blog on the interesting facts he knows. Quote of the week: Rosemary Dunbar to Harry “Three Stripes”……. “What’s that you’ve got in your pocket?” Top end technology has reached he Club. Someone has surreptitiously left biros in a box beside the HB2s. You’ll have to up your game Jimmy “the Sharpener” although as they belong to a neighbourhood bookie, they can only be used twice before they run out! Congrats to the Girlies on getting to the all Ireland Final. I hope if you win that someone can deliver the acceptance speech “as Gaelige” as they do when they lift the Sam Maguire Trophy or whatever the Girlie equivalent of it is. If you are having problems, please see our resident Irish Speaker, Sean όg de Bhaltún. He can help!! Can the Jocks come and watch? We will behave ourselves we promise!!!!! Martin Parker wanted to streak across the pitch with the Club emblem tattooed on his belly and the Blogmeister wanted to do similar with it tattooed elsewhere but there was not enough ink…..know what I’m sayin’ ? Keep the chalk wet…………… A short column this week as I have just returned from tanning and toning up my racing snake body in Lake Garda!
Whose new sports car is called Tiffany???? Joe Dolan! That’s who!!! Which Senior bowler was caught by the ticket inspector riding the rails without having paid the full fare??? Who was caught slipping into an AC/DC concert under disguise. Liam and Jack! That’s who! Keep on rocking lads! If you’re gonna dress from head to toe in beige – or tope as he would have it called – please make sure the socks are coordinated Mickey – eh? And further on dress code, socks are never worn with sandals and Never socks with pink toes Danny Boy! Quote, possibly of the season, “Great line! Just take it out a wee bit more!” Brilliant Jay Lo! I have to report that the first attempts to scare off the resident magpies with my air pistol ended in abject failure. It was quickly worked out by the feathered vermin that the weapon has a range of about 21 cm and packs a punch as strong as a wet tissue. The birds (generic name Corvus Pica) simply looked with scorn as the little orange pellets flew past them to the left and right and they sat right where they were. I may have shared this with some of you verbally before but I am short of titbits this week. Which eligible, but not signed up, Vet can avail of free travel as he is of a certain age but still pays the full fare because he is (a) too vain and wants others to think he is still in his mid fifties (b) he feels he has enough money and does not need free state handouts (c) he is just a stupid wally – not my choice of words! And…………as I write it has come to my attention that another bowlist who could avail of the 65 plus bus pass – “never really bothered!” Question………….do all A team Jocks wear regulation bowling shoes? Answer…………...No! Style – it does not take much – just a bit of style!!!! It’s like drinking with your mates and they order man pints and you order shandies!!! Sitting with my back to the pitch, facing my beloved and giving her the fullest of attention just in case her headache might clear up before bedtime, she says to me, “Look at him, he’s not bad!” I turned to the sward to watch a certain Paul McEwan, reigning open singles champion, continually rolling a few lazy ones to within a ridiculous distance from the jack! Bless! And to the bowler who consistently refers to my belly – the reason it is there laddie is because your wife gives me a Bounty Bar every time I do her!!! Which Vets skip walked on to the pitch, did all the obligatory hand shaking walked to the head to receive the trial bowls of his front end then walked back to the oche to find his bowls were not on the environs of the mat but actually still in his bowling bag????!!! And which Vet bought solar stones for his back garden so that they would shed a comforting green light as dusk fell only to find that he is always in bed before the aforesaid stones give off their eerie luminescence???!!!! And which Vet tried to open his locker with his electronic key fob? Who thought he had underseat heating in his reasonably new car passenger seat as he reached over to place his cap only to find it was the warm glow from a fellow bowlist to whom he had just given a lift. It is a well known fact that stroking placid animals such as cats and rabbits can have a soothing affect on people with certain hyper disorders and also on elderly people who are lonely and/or confused. Soooooooo, as I was lying in my bed with my hands cupped around my horlicks, I had a brainwave. As bowls is a slow, almost lethargic game, we could rent out some of our smaller perfectly formed members to the adjacent folds for the aforesaid stroking of. I think we could be on to a winner here and earn enough money to get a new jacks/ mats locker. And if some of our Vets wanted to avail of the soothing facility they could well………just stroke themselves! Keep the chalk wet!..... |
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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