Warning: Contains material of an adult nature:
If you were in the Club last week you will have noticed the posters for a music and dance fest on September 25th featuring The Dead Handsomes and Carby. If you walked in this week the posters were amended to The Dead Handsomes and Cabaret!!! Neither the promoter nor the poster maker will accept responsibility for the error. Anyway, it is for charity and should be a good night as the featured act in the Carby – sorry Cabaret – will be the Magorrian Twins. My thanks to Harry “Three Stripes” for the following three gems…. Three weeks ago Caolan Parker was 18 for the first time. His dad brought him to the club for his first legal pint only to announce on arrival that he had neither cash nor bank card about his person. He then tapped his son for £50. Kept that one quiet didn’t ya Marty boy! Don’t forget to charge him the £3 for all the away matches you brought him to!!! And while we are at it……give him back his Communion money. In the changing room last Saturday Pat Butler said he was not available for the following Tuesday's game. Dan Cregan replied that it was about time his rink was strengthened!! . And did you know Butsie had two touchers on the same end at Downpatrick and he made everyone there aware of it. Pity about his last two bowls….. both 5 yards short. For the sporting ones amongst you, you will know that teams can use a “blood” substitute. A recent survey of the elder bowlists in the Club would suggest that we should have “urine” substitutes, judging by the number of players who toddle off to the toilets in mid game! Which occasional Midweek B bowler nearly did a Niall Walsh by setting his carpet on fire with an industrial cleaner. He and his beloved – we will call her Linda, cos that is her name – were sitting watching X Factor when they smelled what they thought was popcorn popping? No laddie, it was your stair carpet. Fair play tho’…….you replaced the incinerated part with one which nearly matches. A man on a galloping horse could not tell the difference except that there are no men nor galloping horses in Finaghy Road South! Maybe in the flats in Ballymun but not in South Belfast!!! Some ideas for making bowling more popular on television, include the following takes on existing programmes: Come Bowl With Me. Bowling with the Kardashians. Extreme Bowling. Criminal Bowling. But the piece de resistance has to be, Strictly Come Bowling. We could have myself and Vanessa Feltz paired in one of the singles – some shadows on the green there, with or without the lights. Jimmy “the Pipe Cleaner” Murtagh could mark the tie! In the four bowl pairs, Brendan Griffen and the Ardoyne Anointer might play the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Dali Lama! In the two bowl pairs we could have our own Gorgeous George Keatings and Paul McCarney against George Clooney and Johnny Depp . We would need extra mirrors and hair gel in the dressing room. Then in the Mixed Triples we would have Billy T Aiken-Grayson (BA Hons 2:2 ) with Alan Carr and Dale Winton! Settle boys! Which Greenmeister put the wrong locks on the wrong gates and had Brian “The Dander” Smith groping in his tool box for the bolt cutters? Which Freddie McCorry will be next seen mincing in to the Club with his jacket draped over his shoulders and a trace of Egyptian number 27 stage make up over his left eye to show people that he had been an extra in a movie!!! Mwah, Mwah, Luvvie! My thanks also to a certain wifey for telling me that her hubby John “Racing Snake” Kerr works out for three hours a day in the gym. He also wears sky blue lycra leggings and a luminous green sweatband on his head and a yellow one on his wrist. Now the last bit is not true but when you see him, bet you the image comes in to your head!!!!! Betya that’s the last time you’ll leave your beloved in my company while you swan off to play bowls Johnnie boy! But also………. not only did “Racing Snake” go to the gym. Apparently the Ballast Twins Brennan and Butler also went and the latter also had his own personal trainer!! Rumour has it that Jim Armstrong is penning a new version of the old Rugby song “Good Ship Venus”. He is calling it “The Good Ship Butsie”. Butler finds this extremely funny apparently. I have asked the erstwhile poet to include a rhyming stanza with the opening line, “The first mate’s name was Brankin…..” And you thought the Dan Cregan story about the lost phone could not be bettered???!!! Jim Copeland misplaced his keys last week and had the whole Club scurrying about looking for them in the toilets, locker room, kitchen etc etc….. Car keys, front door keys – the heap were gone. They phoned John Tierney to see if he had taken them, but he was in a rum induced coma and could not be woken. He could not even get the train home where he had a spare set cause his bride and hived off to Scotland or Blackpool or somewhere so there was no one there. The aforementioned Dan offered to put him up for the night for a mere £25 excluding breakfast. This only made Copey go more grey! Before the police were summoned, the keys were eventually found nestling as you will have guessed in Jimmy boy’s coat pocket!! His brown one, not the blue one. He has two you see which he carries with him at the same time!!! Some people should not be let out alone!!!! J I have a note in my little book about “Oranges and the aforementioned Dan Cregan” but cannot for the life of me remember what it was about. Ah well……. Which cross dresser wore his wife’s whites in the Vets Four Bowl Pairs Final as he could not find his own?? Eamon Logue – that’s who! Sometime in April I messaged the Hon Sec and asked him for the date of the Club Finals. He replied with the date and appended that I was a tad presumptuous. Well Mr Hon Sec….. as it happens I was not presumptuous as me and my mate Danny Boy Cregan won the Vets Four Bowl Pairs. And so to the awards……….. The Gerry Adams Irish Language Award/An Damhachtain Ghaelige Gearoid Mac Adaim: Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN (thanks for the help with the translation Seán Óg a chara! ) Dutchman Of The Year: Peter “Sports Direct” Thompson. Runner Up – The Guy With The Funny Name Who Plays In The Midweek B Team. Most Astonishing Transformation On A Presidential Trip: Garvan Mitchell Best Performance At A Bar Mitzvah: Rabbi Jackovitch Collinski Most Innovative Use of Colgate And Vaseline For Something Other Than A Sexual Activity: Sixty six year old Joe Rea The Award For Most Opposition to The In The Ditch Column: Some of the Girlies The Award For Most Consistent Setting Of The Mat During A Game And In Rehearsals: All the Girlies Rowdiest Post Match Carousing Award: Some of the Girlies The Julian Clary Pass Remarkable Award: Jim “the Pipe Cleaner” Murtagh. Runners Up, Some of the Girlies. The Donald Trump Perma Tan Award: Danny McKinney The Donald Trump Sincerity Award: Danny McKinney The Donald Trump Moneybags Award: Danny McKinney Best Dressed Morning Bowler: Dapper Dominic O’Neill for his simmit and braces ensemble The Award For Bowler Most Likely To….Marty Quinn The Imelda Marcos Award For Most Shoes taken Away On A Presidential Trip: Jim McCormack The Vanessa Feltz Award For Biggest Suitcase Brought On The Presidential Trip: Jim McCormack (Note to winner: Jim Laddie, if you deflated the blow up dolls before you packed the case, you could bring a smaller one!) The Humphrey Bogart Award For Most Repeated Use Of Positive Encouragement From A Skip: Monsignor Brendan Griffin for his endearing use of phrases such as “Play it again Sam!” “Whatever length you like!” “Another yard would do ye!” And it’s a toucher!” The Roger McCaul Award For Prettiest Bowler: Jointly Awarded to Jimbo Magorrian and Paul McCarney. Keep moisturing guys……..just like your dads! Book Keeper of the Year: Alan Brown for his fastidious account keeping in his little red book of the amount he and his beloved spent on their annual holiday in Spain. Accounts can be traced back three years and yearly differentials are noted and those who overspend - viz Linda - are reprimanded. Honourable Mention: Billy T Aiken-Grayson BA Hons (2:2). The Award For Those Who Thought They Were Getting An Award But Didn’t: Jim “No Nickname” Armstrong The Father Eugene Award For The Person Who Has Never “Knifed” Another Bowlist Behind That Bowlist’s Back: Father Eugene. Runner Up:- Jim McGetterick The Award For Shortest Time Carrying A Man Bag: Gerry Lee Shortest Captain’s Speech: Rabbi Jackovitch Collinski The Kray Twins Award: The Scissor Sisters The Bland Award ( for never having been mentioned in a blog - ever ):- “Interesting” Joe “The Skip” Ferguson The Dan Cregan Whingeing Award: Dan Cregan Best Tout: Paddy “C’mere til I tell Ye” Butler; Runner Up William T Aiken-Grayson BA (Hons 2:2). Runner Up: Special Commendation: Harry “Three Stripes” Sergeant The Tom Kennedy Memorial Award For Blagging Most Free Dinners at Girlie Matches: Jointly awarded to John Tierney and Sean McAvoy. Honourable Mention Gentleman Jim Copeland Lazarus Award: Jointly Sean McAvoy and James Copeland for comebacks on the bowling pitch The Pat Butler Award For Most Decibels Used At Any One Time: Tommy Spence Hamburgeristas of the Year….Chefs Gerry “Man at C&A” Lee, Tommy “The Voice” Spence and Brian “The Original Dander” Smith Honorary Award: Club Chaplain – All Denominations: Brendan Griffin. Runner Up , Fr Eugene – Catholics only. Bloggers Of The Year: Those who took the time to get involved in responding to the blog! Thick Skin Of The Year: Billy T Aiken-Grayson BA Hons (2:2). Special Commendation: All those others whom I have lampooned and took it in the spirit in which it was intended. Lifetime Achievement Award: Most Spectacular Exit From A Bowling Green, Home or Away: Chris Forsyth RIP. Hope you are bowlin’ with Niall and Gerry up there – fondly remembered all of you – and sadly missed! L Until next year………… The Blogmeister has left the building.
5 Comments
Aho.ish
30/8/2015 11:41:06 am
Fantastic Mr meister. God bless. Look forward to next year
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2/9/2016 11:40:38 am
Wow! there is so much award in this article, this is very inspiring. Donald Trump is a known person in this era, He inspires many people and give them motivations in life, I will share this article to my parents and friends and I am sure that they will love this article as much as I do.
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31/8/2015 06:19:35 am
The best collection of awards yet. Thanks for the craic all season highlight of week every Sunday.
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Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN
31/8/2015 09:26:23 am
Ba mhaith liom an deis seo a thapú chun buíochas a ghabháil le gach duine a d'ainmnigh mé lena leithéid de dhámhachtain rá.
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Blogmeister
31/8/2015 12:07:15 pm
Touchay...John Boy.....not a freakin clue what you are on about!
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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