WHICH ex President had the simple task of following Liam Trainor’s car outta the carpark to Stockman’s Drive then collect him and proceed to the match at Ewarts but followed another car and ended halfway up the M1 in the opposite direction !
MAYBE a satnav wudda helped….he cudda borrowed Stiffer’s one but wait a minute…it does not work. He used it to bring him – and the rest of us - the scenic route to Salisbury BC last Wednesday and ended up in someone’s front garden half a mile away! Stevie Boy always takes his car cos he trusts no one else!!The return journey minus sat nav was akin to Whacky Races with his lane hopping and road rage against buses. Murph whispered to me that he was taking his car next time. AND as you read this, Stiffneck Steve is ensconced somewhere on the shores of Loch Lomond with his wifey on a lovefest in a VW camper van which he has never driven before. I have told him to make sure it is parked in gear at night when they get up to their rumpy pumpy just in case the rockin’ and rollin’ starts it off down hill! Any bets how long it will take the loved up pair to stop speaking. Any bets they will have decamped to a hotel by the second night! JUST to reiterate, if you are passing me on some tit bits in the Club of an afternoon, please do so before the sweet sherry kicks in. I have some notes about somebody going to see an Alsatian dog in concert in Dublin and somebody else, maybe it’s the same one, not being allowed in to his own car by ELO! Hic! WENT down to watch the taster days on Saturday. What a sight the three coaches were, Messrs Keatings, Smyth (Senior Coach) and McCloskey, resplendent in their green jackets. Each was swathed in aftershave as they obviously had hoped to be tutoring some dolly birds at close quarters. What they got was a parcel of under ten kiddies. It was a joy to see them trying to be avuncular through gritted teeth. I left before one of them exploded and grabbed one of the urchins by the throat! AND…. notice for guys playing with your wives, mistresses, those whom you are trying to diddle etc, Do not let them walk up the green in front of you like Mrs Pat “the Stretcher” who leaves the quasi para para medic behind to set the jack and lift the mat! That’s a girlie job dearie and it gives the rest of us a bad name! Watch the aforesaid George Keatings and Dominic Garland Pat boy! They will show you how it is done, striding manfully out ahead while wifey scuttles along behind! SOME advice Geordie…..when you are playing with your bride on the green, and a measuring situation occurs, for Chrissake let her have it. DO NOT MEASURE! It’s only bowls…your convivials, steak dinners and getting your undies steam cleaned are much more important! Jim McCorry has the right idea. When asked to give a measurement decision from the comfort (and safe distance) of the jocks’ locker room door, by a fellow bowlist, who was rolling up with his current squeeze, he said “It’s her’s…do you think I am bloody stupid! AND further on the saga of the tablecloths……one wag wondered if the girlies get more points for laying the damask than winning a game. We could have a competition “Strictly Come Laying” with judges giving points….maybe “Come Lay With Me” “Master Layer” etc etc. The wag was Jim Armstrong BTW ladies if you want to rip his eyes out! The last bit was mine if you want to do the same to me! AND apparently there is worse than the table cloth saga, but my snitch has suddenly clammed up and no further updates are available so you can breathe easy girlies! LONESOME George’s new tipple now is a pint of Blackcurrant! It does not mean you are a bad person! IF I write something about Jimmy the Chalk and the ribald tale of his triples encounter where he had a single toucher, it will make him look more important and loved than he really is….so I won’t! HEY Father Eugene….stick to the preachin’ and leave the comedy to the comedians in the Club, of whom there are plenty……… apparently he has created a new bowling term called a “Trudy” which is a term for a bowl ‘through the gap’. It might be in your country in Ballymun or Finglas where people go to “de pub” or “de shops” but not here in Belfast laddie!! AND loosely connected…….Billy T, leave the nickname giving to me. Calling one of the new boys “Smokin’ Jim” gives the impression that he is good and has a certain “je ne sais quoi”. I am sure I will find a more suitable one in time….. WHO ordered a pint of Smithwicks and forgot to drink it? NOW this one is a doozie! Which occasional Midweek bowlist when he goes abroad, shows a photograph of his apartment to the taxi driver so that he will be able to find it. Listen laddie, Benelmadena is a big place and it is twelve miles away from the airport! How is this gonna freakin help. Bet you speak slowly and append the letter “o” at the end of words so that he will understand you. “Me wanto uno taxio pour favour mucho. Me from Northerno Irelando. Mucho goodo football teamo!” To which the driver replies, “Ah si! Royo Keano…mucho goodo! Chucky ar la!” AND the same bowlist also takes a photocopy of his passport just in case it gets lost or stolen. Good thinking matey. Just turn up at the check in desk, explain that your passport is missing but that you have a photocopy. She’ll whisk you straight through with a smile and a “No problem sir!” and direct you to the new aisle in Duty Free where you can pick up some bombs and Old Spice. FOR the neurotic amongst you. Father Eugene likes everybody….. but he does not like you. Why? WHICH Vets selector has not selected himself for the first three games and which other has not selected himself for the next two? Just sayin, that’s all! It can be done!!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN everybody!!!! I lied…….. no girlies, you cannot breathe easy!!!! The next chapter in the saga of the tablecloths is…….. learning how to adorn the aforesaid damask with freshly cut flowers from one’s garden. Thanks to my new snitch for the information!! Bravo Girlies! An oasis of quality in a desert of uncouthness! This could save us a fortune on Cemetery Sunday, Valentine’s Day and the like guys. No need for expensive wreaths and bouquets, Just wait ‘til the end of a Girlie game then slip into the Big Hall ( they probably call it the refectory ) and pick up ready made posies! No more Interflora, no more cheap garage flowers. Just quality stuff made by girlies who should be at home getting their husbands’ dinner ready! We could set up a sweat shop industry and use them to make money to fund the Jolly Boys’ Outing in August! Until next time Keep stroking the kitty
6 Comments
Dizzie Rascal
17/5/2016 04:32:02 pm
The certain ex President could have taken a few suggestions from another ex President who ended up with a taxi load of bowlers at the secretary's abode in Caledonia rather than the clubhouse a few years back!!
Reply
Blogmeister
17/5/2016 05:12:11 pm
Dear Rascal......I thought you had fallen offa the face of the earth. Perhaps a rather hectic social life prohibits you from blogging... after all it is only bowls. The kitty of course is the other name for the jack and is a term much favoured by one of our occasional skips. Certain rough sorts will see innuendo in the use of the name and the stroking thereof but not me. A good bowler will stroke his skip's kitty several times during a game whereas the aforementioned skip seems to prefer a rub of the relic! Hope this clears things up1
Reply
Observer
18/5/2016 08:46:39 am
Nice to see the Vets selectors being honest!!!
Reply
Selector No Mates
20/5/2016 02:55:15 pm
Dear blogmeister, your piece reminds me of a quote many moons ago when just a lad partaking in a roll up I remarked to the late Harry Sergeant that Falls was a real institution, he replied so is Purdysburn son!
Reply
Blogmeister
20/5/2016 04:56:37 pm
Yip Selector No Mates.... arrogance beyond belief......when I was asked who was midweek captain a few years back and I told the certain person it was me, he asked with some disbelief.... You! not only once but twice!!! Then went off scratching his head! I took the team to the runners up spot in both cup and league.....never played continuously for the team again! But as I tell myself, it is only bowls!!!!
Reply
Einstein's cat.
21/5/2016 06:46:35 pm
It is arrogance on the basis of that individual only if there is no chance coming true. The route to the final is easy this year as half the bowlers will be at home folding table cloths just as their wives instructed them to.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Author
I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
|