Re the Mild Bunch trip to Dublin…..I had decided not to run with this one but one of the quartet got shirty so here goes… in the absence of four Jamesons being passed my way, the four Jolly Boys who kept the bus waiting for thirty three minutes in Dublin were Michael “Who” Gannon, “Interesting” Gary McWilliams and Sean “The Ex Post” Magorrian. The fourth one bought me a pint at the end of term Midweek B team drink fest so I will not name him. Well as team captain he bought the squad plus the associated hangers on a pint too. He was seen to be sobbing in the corner afterwards!! Annddd…..while the rest of us necked man pints, Alan Brown sipped a Chardonnay! He said it had the aroma of gooseberies. Someone else said it had the aroma of tuna!
AND finally on the Jolly Boys Outing…which roomie said he would rather stick hot needles in his eyes rather than share with a certain other roomie EVER again. Refreshing beverage of choice for a correct verbal or E reply to me. WELL not quite finally…..I am reminded by Gerry D. that his laces were orange and not yellow. Glad to correct that petal. Like you, I would not be seen dead in the first combination! Feng sui in footwear is sooooooo important! xxxxx DON’T normally do this but I have been asked to thank Colm and Aidan for their contribution to Midweek B. AND for the neurotic among you have you been invited to the fiftieth birthday party of the week. No? Ah well…you can always go to your own. I hear BT are selling off some old phone boxes!! That should give you plenty of room for your friends! WHICH two bosses said McGarrity “the Bus” was a proper bollocks when he worked for them? My words not theirs but not far away from the original if you get my drift! APOLOGIES for suggesting last week that the aforesaid McGarrity drove his new car thirty seven yards to ASDA to do his shopping. It was in fact to buy his copy of the Sun. Glad to have cleared that up for you Petesy boy! AND the foresaid McGarrity was LIVID when a next door neighbour inadvertently let grouting dust blow over the car. Whatya gonna do when birds start shitting on it Petsey baby….shoot them? AND then, when he was out cleaning the car, his wifey gave his dinner away to her sister who called unexpectedly. Chin up Pete it was only fish fingers…a tad working class eh for a man who drives a classy car!? AND, the ever lovely Deirdre Keatings can indeed confirm that while she watches TV of an evening, she can hear the sounds of Georgie baby hammering away in his man cave. Hope he cleans the mess up afterwards! NOW that we have a doctor in our midst, he and Pat “The Stretcher” Connolly could branch out on their own and form a rapid response medical team. Their first task could be to revive the ever collapsing Dan Cregan when he is asked to buy a drink! Oh wait, he is not a real doctor I hear you say, just a doctor of hard sums. I never really bothered myself actually! RANDOM Disabled Area Parking Misdemeanors …..Silver Grey Hyundai EEZ 4859, Blue Peugot VFZ 3545 (continually), Silver Audi LHZ 2799, Meriva Peugot IEZ 9496 (several times) Who the hell are Sailsbury? Cos that was on the team sheet for last week for the Big Boys game. A cardinal spelling error. Hope it was not committed by a graduate and/or a teacher!! A reminder to get nominations in for the annual “In The Ditch Awards”. After speaking with the sole nominee for the H Samuel Award For The Best Use Of Costume Jewelry, I have decided, largely for my own good, to withhold it this year!! CONGRATULATIONS and very well done indeed to Deirdre Walsh on organizing the first ever Lady President’s Trip!! A refreshing adult social lubricant is offered to any home or away Captain, or appointed substitute, at after match foodfests who can manage to make a speech which does not include the following: “ belated welcome…..excellent meal/supper….best of luck in any remaining competitions….special relationship….played in good spirit……glad of the points…safe home…” AND by the way Falls – not Falls A of course- the reason we hear opposing speakers saying that they always enjoy coming here is not that they have the aforesaid special relationship with us. It is that they normally walk away with the points. AND further on the Brown’s toilet in their new bathroom, rumour has it that it is now fully automated and operates with a series of claps! As an old theatre mentor once told me… “You get the clap you deserve!” THIS next bit was meant to be posted a month ago but better stuff kept coming in…. EX bowlist John Tierney was fitting a battery to his smoke alarm when it went off and the shock of hearing the high pitched squeal resulted in him falling offa the step ladder with an equally high pitched squeal of his own and ending up in A and E. As our Scottish friends would say. “Awa’ ya big Jessie!” AND talking of Scottish friends, a little Scottish joke…. I ken it, you ken it, Patsy Kensit!!!! A Welsh one to follow next week! AND Gabrielle, as his retirement kicks in remember ….half the salary, twice the husband! How’s that workin out for ya! AND staying with things Magorrian my spies tell me that he closed the car door on his thumb thus ruling himself outta last Tuesday’s game. Silly Boy! WE all know Brian Smith is known as the “Dander”. Time I think to rechristen “Satnav” Sloane…. Why not Sloane “the Saunter” sounds much better don’t you think! YOU know I always have a little dig at the neurotic among you – see above!! Just for information…it is a plural noun, based on an amalgam of four different people not just one. Sleep easy now guys! It is not you……..probably!! WHOSE missus phones her hubby and says “Quick the opposition are a player short, get down here fast!” “Do you want me to play?” he says. “No” There’s a spare dinner going. Take it. I could not be arsed cooking for you tonight!”…… And he even washed his plate up afterwards! Bless you Ray, you are a true…………well the words will eventually come! BTW…he necked it in 73 seconds. QUITE innocently and without any hint of wit whatsoever, Brendan Rice, when he heard London Irish were coming for a friendly said, “Oh! Is that the crowd from Scotland?” Bless!!!! AND finally it is a joy when I get at some people in the column, they do not know they are even being got at!!!! Bless again!!! Until next time……….. Keep stroking the kitty I apologise about misleading you about the make and model of McGarrity’s new car last week. Apparently his huge head was hitting the roof of version number one so he went for a Mokka instead. Maybe you shudda tried a coupay like Sean “Slim” McMahon then we cudda had two wallies with pretentious cars in the car park!
AND how far does the aforesaid big head live from ASDA….approximately thirty seven yards exactly. Then why does he drive his new “wheels” as he calls them when doing his shopping there! AND talking McGarrity…I know who steals the orange flowers you lovingly planted and tended over the year. Pop into some Girlie match day and catch the culprit red handed! FINALLY on McGarrity….so you did not see the wheelchair victim who shouted and banged on the side door of your bus as you drove away from the stop! Bad Craic! WELL not finally at all….. ……… having for years avoiding the E toll system of the M50 of the Free Twenty Six Counties, a bill finally arrived on the mat of his home in the Occupied Six. Pay up laddie or you might find yourself “serving up to twenty years in a penitentiarreeeeeeee” to quote an old Irish American ditty! WHO loaned his car to Murph for an away game and which aforesaid Murph pocketed the mileage money which had to be prised from his hand on his return!! WITH regard to the Jolly Boys’ Outing, a few musings…. THE Mild Bunch took almost five hours to get to Dublin because of a series of diversions en route . Just as well Kevin Brennan got up at seven am, had a full cooked breakfast, went back to bed then got up to meet the rest of the team at nine, because the brekkie promised as we crossed into that foreign country which abuts the border of Norn Iron was not served until nearly one pm. Anyway, although we were abroad, we got the full Occupied Six Counties Fry but it did not please all of the boys. Dinky Alan Brown complained that he was not given a butter knife! ANYWAY….in spite of Satnav Sloan’s directions we got there and went straight to the pub. Now you may remember in last week’s column that I suggested that a small Jameson’s pushed in my direction would assure no mention in the blog? Well there had better be four refreshing tinctures pushed my way before next week otherwise the whole world will know the names of the four chappies who kept the bus waiting for thirty three minute before heading off to our match! AND….. for the wifeys who remained at home cleaning and cooking – as is just right - there was only one game…on the Friday…..nothing on the Saturday or Sunday. We just got wasted. AND talking wasted….which Jolly Boy could not wait for the convivial social lubricants at the host club, got hammered the night before and was more than a tad bilious on the way down on the bus! OK…it was me…now get over it! AND which Jolly Boy looked outta the window of his room and shouted a bold word at Sean the ex Post Magorrian as he crossed the forecourt only to find that it was not in fact the aforesaid ex Post but a lookalike! OK..it was me again –that is the last freebie you are getting! WHICH ex Pres has pink and grey jammies? The same one whose wifey Brigid brought his dog up to the Club to say goodbye to him….. . If it could speak it would have said “don’t leave me daddy, don’t leave me!” JIMMY the Crutch was seen coming outta an off licence at eight thirty on the morning of departure with a whole bottle of red wine and four cans for the room….what a party animal! And BTW Jimmy boy, not as sophisticated as you think you are………..that well known bon viveur Sean Mullan deemed your wine to be “shite” as he necked most of it while you lay in a drunken stupor! AND talking party animals, which raker, raconteur, burner of candles at both ends and perennial non drinker said that when you are away on a Jolly Boys’ outing that “you have to let your hair down!” Never a truer word Gentleman Jim Copeland! You are a freakin legend! NOW you will well know that maids clean up the room, but my Roomie Alan Brown cleaned out the room as we left…………shower caps, coffee, tea, UHT milk….if it was not nailed down, he was for having it! He also prefers his toilet seat down….just like a girlie! Always thought he was a bit suspect!! AND on matters similar…….whose favourite tipple is sweet cider followed by a Bailey’s with ice chaser and wears brown shoes with yellow laces??? A bit festive Gerry boy methinks! FOR the neurotic among…… so you do not feel the love coming from your fellow members? Do not worry. Jesus loves you…………probably! WHY does a certain person who lives in Glen Parade get offa the bus at Donegal Road and walk the rest of the way???? GOOD to see Mr Bernadette McCullough recovering from his little “turn” at Lamh Dearg. But what was he doing wandering around a football club in bare feet and without having eaten for two days! LISTEN girlies………. The object of the game is to get the big black one close to the small yellow one. In the wider environs does not really count! Lucky for you the opposition thought they just had to get their bowls over the imaginary line which runs from the markers at either side of the pitch otherwise you would not have won! NO Eddie…….one shows his versatility on the green….not his virility!!! APOLOGIES to Paul McEwan for suggesting he was bland in last week’s blog! I have recently found he is a closet C and W fan with all the trimmings! Keep her country Paulie Babeee! Bet you have a pic of a topless Nathan Carter on your ceiling! WHO necks other peoples’ pints before he catches the 10.47pm up the road? Jimmy the Crutch that’s who. Course it was a mistake James! ANOTHER excuse for a shite bowl…. “The wind blew over me!” Of course it did Dominic G laddie! Of course it did! WHICH member of staff should know better and not park in a Disabled Space…………twice in two days? IF anyone needs some coaching or a game marked, please give Mickey the Marker a shout. If it moves, he will mark it! Until next time……. Keep stroking the kitty TWO separate comments… “Hey Paul. Last week’s blog was a bit near the knuckle!” “Hey Paul, this week’s blog was a bit mild!” There is just no pleasing some folk!
RANDOM illegal parking in the Disabled Spot…. a Hyundai Jazz XFZ 7144 and a blue Peugot VFZ 3545 BY the time you read this, the Jolly Boys will be on their way back from the President’s trip. That is supposing my distribution manager manages to sober up and get it out on time! He has been pickled since the time he got on the bus! And remember what happens in Vegas does not necessarily apply to Dublin. YOU were told Rab …you were told but would you listen???? No! Enjoy your enforced lay off! BTW any sign of Gerry Lee’s manbag? APOLOGIES to Belsonic Marty and Jim F. We have another “get down” concert goer in Sean “Slim” McMahon who is a Coldplay fanatic. Almost twice your age Marty. He should be ashamed! WHICH Maxi and Marty turned up to play a singles match…they were not sure which one but they turned up anyway and Gerry Lowe marked it. As I have said before, …”they walk among us!” I am indebted to a follower from another club who was kind enough to share the fact that that Butsie’s elevation to the A team against Willowfield was somewhat of a damp squib. I am too professional to release his name but he is a Leeds United supporter ( for Christ sake Michael do not make any comment otherwise he will know who you are…and BTW….any chance of taking your two boys back? ) GUESS what Dodgy Dan Cregan did………..sniped up to pilfer a second dessert when the captain of Willowfield was giving his oration at the end of the recent B team match! He then complained that there was too much custard on it! Yeah Danny Boy………that’s what the kids in Aleppo keep saying to their mothers when they get their dessert after their Sunday Roast!! WHAT does a Saturday breakfast normally cost? Five – six quid? Not unless you are a certain ex President who gets extra sausages and eggs in Kelstar…but I digress! The answer is £48. That is what Sean Mullan had to pay when he was hijacked by his family in a certain shopping centre last week! BTW…love the Superman t-shirt laddie! AND to the person who keeps hanging his gear over the Vets’ noticeboard….keep doing it matey and you will have no gear to hang! HEARD someone refer to Vets Bowls as “Old Time Bowling!” Brilliant! AND for the neurotic among you…..when you are told the plate is hot in a restaurant, you still touch it don’t you! Just as well…….. you are never sitting with anybody else - probably! I have heard some excuses for not buying drink but hiding your wallet in someone else’s jacket and telling everyone you forgot it….bravo James McCormack – one for the books! SLOAN, Thompson and Frazier…random people who arrived at away venues without some or all of their gear. And talking Frazier, he arrived on the pitch for a home match with blue stickers thinking he was playing “against Falls”. Another example of lack of commitment. Come on laddie, break the strings. Besides from what I hear they were glad to get rid offa you! What you need is a spell in Midweek B to get rid of that sort of attitude! REALLY……people calling each other “mate” on the green! What do you think we are… that team of rough sorts we play against every year??? BECAUSE Peter McGarrity has been getting a “doing” recently I have had to hold this back. Guess how many showrooms the canny shopper visited and how many glossy brochures he acquired before finally deciding on a Seat SUV as his new car? NINE! Actually it was a lot more brochures!! And did you see the jacket he brought home from the Big Apple. Makes him look like a fighter pilot….he thinks! WHICH male bowler used to fancy Miss Piggy….really? HAVE you seen the lining of Father Eugene’s blazer? Gold Lamay!!! Way to go Eugie babeeee! You are supposed to be a man of the cloth – simplicity and humility are the order of the day….just like our other resident Reverend, Monseigneur Barney Rubble! BACK to the De Brun’s nautical toilet…it is a touch and go one apparently with finger tip controls on the seat. And talking toilets, why is it that girlies always leave toilet seats down!! STILL cannot see why those on the pitch who are getting a hammering by visitors can afford to laugh and joke as they change ends!! WHICH OCD corner member Gerry Maguire was followed around on his short break to Donegal by a permanent rain cloud while the rest of the two countries basked in glorious sunshine! WHILE his bride was away in Knock, who gave The Hon Sec’s wife a tour of his sheltered dwelling including the master bedroom and proudly showed off his Dragon’s Den drawers which apparently he keeps hidden under the stairs!!! AS I did not wear the hat my beloved bought me on holiday for the aforementioned Mixed Triples, the annual “Silly Hat” award is now reinstated. Some of the new boys are well in the running! I am naming no names but try wearing that white tropical number laddie when you are queuing for your pastie supper at 11.30pm outside King Cod! Do not think you would last too long before you would get the smack you deserve! WHAT have the McIlroys, Freddie McCorry, myself and an occasional Pat Butler got in common? We were the only ones watching and end of season Midweek B match!! As they say in certain places…. “Thanks for your support now!” I may have ranted on this on Facebook before but do you know what pees me off. Self important women who come in to company and open with “Hello, everybody!” If you are walking on stage and there is an audience of several thousand, it is quite acceptable, but NOT when you are walking into the Club and there are six at the table!! Pompous ass!!! SIMILARLY those who greet you with “Good to see you!” There are about four people in the world outside of my family (and even some of them don’t count!) that I find it good to see and they are usually semi naked chicks on television. AAANNND …….those who say “Take Care!” when you are leaving. Look………I am not going to scale the north face of Everest or swim a crocodile infested river or engage with a fifty quid escort in The Premier Inn in Glasgow! I am going home for Chrissake! I humbly apologise to Mr Maire Smyth. I have been rabbiting on about the academic background of some of our luminary bowlists and forgot that she was in fact a typist at Queen’s. Sorry Honey! THIS week’s special offers. A small Jamesons whiskey pushed in my direction will ensure that you are never mentioned in the blog again. A large Jamesons whiskey pushed in the same direction will ensure that those are too bland to get a mention will be immortalized for at least a week! Come on Paul McEwan…you know you want to!! Until next time………. Keep strokin the kitty THE following Public Service Announcement will become a weekly feature until people stop parking in Disabled Parking spaces without a Blue Badge.
THE following cars were parked illegally on Monday lunchtime….a beige Rover and blue Peugot. ON Monday at 4.00pm…… a turquoise Nissan Micra. I was away for the rest of the week otherwise others would have been mentioned! WHO turned up for a Four Bowls Pairs match six days, twenty three hours and thirty minutes early??? Billy T and Dominic G….that’s who! Better than Michael G who did not turn up at all. Apparently someone shudda reminded him the day before……..!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry Michael…next time, before you sit down in the lounge, I will get a minion to warm the seat for you and maybe even order you your drink!!!! And then before you go to bed, I could send a person up to squeeze your toothpaste for you! THE next piece is courtesy of “Gumboil” McCorry. Who carries around a boot load of fizzy drinks in the back of his car……….just in case??? Anyway they were apparently much appreciated by his team mates at a recent game they played in sweltering conditions. Do you have bags of sweeties as well Geordie boy!!! TO all my touts….some of your stuff may appear in the end of season “In the Ditch” Awards instead of the Column eg the stuff Harry “Three Stripes” S gave me on Butsie! HEY….Carol Anne Parker! Yes you! I am the one with the signature long hair in the Club! Get it cut laddie, We can’t have you lookin as cool as me…can we now! APPARENTLY the blog is “childish and puerile” ….. Well now! Firstly it is meant to be and I really should take the remark as a compliment! Secondly the juxtaposition of the two adjectives is an example of tautology which is poor use of English. Thirdly, if I wanted to raise the level I would introduce little posers such as “Critically evaluate the negative effects of regulative institutions on black males between the ages of eighteen and twenty seven in the state of Florida with specific reference to Blackmore jail in Orange County.” Fourthly, I bet you allowed your kiddies to have the period from 5.23 pm and 5.46pm every day to enjoy themselves didn’t ya! Fifthly, why do you keep reading it? Bet you had a quiet giggle! Go on you know you did! Sixthly if I printed the real stuff, it would show what a boring crowd of old farts we are. SO do you want it to be like this, cos I can do it!!!….. The A and B teams both won on Saturday. They had tea then finished off the evening with a few pints. Some left early to go to evening Mass, others went home to catch up on recordings of the Antiques Roadshow. On Sunday some went to the Club for some more pints and discussed how the opposition were lying three until Rab Gilbert - who by the way has changed his medication as it as giving him the runs - took them out by the roots. Then they watched Celtic also taken out by the roots by John The Baptist Primary School Under Ten five a side team. Nobody did much on Monday….the Vets tried to field a team but without the assistance of those who were eligible to play, but could not be bothered, they couldn’t, and in the evening the OCD corner met and discussed when was the best time to move from a ten tog value down to a four point five. Pat McCallion had four pints instead of his usual three and one half. The card school was held on Tuesday. Somebody complained about the amount of new women more interested in looking for men than holding a Texan…if that is the correct term. On Wednesday the Midweek teams played. Somebody won and somebody lost. Who cares, they are only pond dwellers…… apparently! On Thursday everybody went to Sainsbury’s to do shopping. All except some of the Ladies who preferred M and S and Lakeland. On Friday night, some of the A team arranged to have a roll up in advance of the Saturday game to get acquainted with the match settings, but decided to stay at home and watch television instead!!! SHALL I continue???? STRIKING fear into Vets teams across our wee country!!.... https://www.facebook.com/fallsbowlingclub/videos/vb.178326022206423/882845395087812/?type=2&theater AND the Smiths with a “y” got a full make over on the outside of the house. That must have dug into the retirement fund folks! At your age too!!! I thought you would be praying for a happy death instead!!!! AND talking Smyths….whose digger fell down the hole it was digging around his other house in the land of the free and had to be extricated using a complex mathematical formula? AND…who recommends the Silver Tassie to all his mates, but would not eat there himself! The aforesaid Stiff One, that’s who. He recommended it to McGarrity who ordered a chicken stir fry and…………… found a piece of chicken in it! AND talking skips…. A reminder all those who are playing second in two and four bowl pairs - you are not really skips so stop acting like you are! AND more on the De Bruns…I was in the Club and saw that Alan had not signed off for his latest game so I texted the delicious Belinda and asked her would I do it for him. So she said “Yes tick him off!” So here goes…. “Alan you are one lazy SOB…. when is the last time you made your bride breakfast? When is the last time you took her out for a romantic meal? A packet of crisps with her half pint of cider in the Club does not count”. There ya go Belinda, well and truly ticked off….….no need to thank! IF someone can give me the name of the “bird” Danny Boy Cregan was seen walking out with I would be ever so grateful!! AND just because you have a girlie car Vince Baby, it does not mean that you have to drive like one. Indicators would be appreciated when leaving the Club in front of me – I am not a mind reader - and it is acceptable to pull out into the road when the nearest car city bound is up at St. Agnes Church and the one country bound is at ASDA – both at least three hundred yards away - for those of you who live outside the ghetto! FOR the neurotic among you…imagine you are applying for a job. Give a brief description of yourself outlining your achievements and interests to date. No more than one hundred words. What’s that I hear you say………….???? THIS will mean something to just a few people but apparently John Tierney knows more about manure than he does about music!! PROOF that girlies can indeed multi task. I spotted one smoking, chewing gum and talking at the same time. Quality representation of your section dearie! Is it not time the seminar programme addressed this form of unladylike behaviour! And apparently bowls is “harder than you think!” according to her! AND equally brilliant, one of the correspondents to the comments section of the Blog refers to the Mixed Triples as “The Swingers Triples!” Perhaps he knows something that should be shared with the rest of the group. He can always tell me…it will go no further! Til next time………… Keep stroking the kitty As the title suggests, there is some adult content in this week’s column. Please do not read if easily offended!
NEXT time laddie you park your metallic blue BMW at right angles across three parking spaces I will post your registration here. Selfishness in the extreme! CRAWLIN outta the woodwork to get their version of what happened before my touts give me the popular version….Belinda Brown, Harry Sergeant and Belsonic Marty. Still, three newsworthy stories……..Of how the Browns - why not spell it “Browne” folks then you really could be like the Smiths ‘with a y’ with a fancy name instead of trying to keep up with them in the decorating stakes – but I digress – apparently the new bathroom has a maritime motif now. I believe bus loads of people are turning up to see it. If you had given it a religious theme Belinda, then they could have had a rub of the relic when they visited. Explain it to her Alan!.....Of how Brian “The Original Dander” Smith skittled a head which was holding four by trailing the jack and reduced it to one and said “It’s safer there!” ………Of how Belsonic Marty while shepherding his kids down a dark hallway and telling them to be careful of the overhead beam, fell arse over tip down a hole. Par for the course Marty boy! Par for the course!! AND finally on the Mixed Triples……… LISTEN brother, I know you have just joined but you have been at other clubs and yes we know you have played skip – you told us…… several times - but……….when you play lead, you say nowt and you certainly do not call shots in front of your second. I am surprised she did not scratch your eyes out. You may urge your own bowl forward orally as I often do, with largely no effect, but that is where it ends………… matey! A Jeremy Corbyn lookalike whom I believe is somebody’s husband turned up for the Mixed Triples and I said to one of the Girlies as a witty aside…”Look! There’s Jeremy Corbyn!” She looked closely for a while and said “No it’s not him. I saw him on TV in London earlier on!” Bless!! LISTEN love…it is not Armagh Road Bowls, nor skimming pebbles over a lake, nor simulating the bouncing bombs in The Dambusters, nor heaving a boulder at a dog who has just fouled your garden….. it is LAWN Bowls where a smooth release is the order of the day. WHICH Scissor Sister asked me to turn on the floodlights as “my Sean can’t see!” AND talking Scissors Sisters….. which other one did not know what a large one was? IN a mixed convivial gathering at the Triples one of the Girlies remarked on the clarity of skin of a certain seventy nine year old Vet. Another said, “That is because he does not abuse himself!” I make no comment other than….. “would expect no less Dommo old son…..would expect no less!” TWO versions of a totally fictional story…. The names are randomly assigned! Deirdre “George came home from bowls last night. He was very uncommunicative. I poured him a large glass of Jack Daniels and Cinnamon but he did not even touch it. He just sat there staring into space with his hands between his knees rocking back and forward. He didn’t even watch Match of the Da.y This has been happening a lot recently. There is a lot of distance between us. I feel he does not want to open up to me. Maybe it is me. Maybe I should try to understand him more. I remember when we first got married and we used to do everything together. Oh how we laughed! Now there is nothing. Anyway, I went to bed before him and told him to come up when he felt ready and that if he wanted to talk that I was there for him. I wore that special red silk nightgown, you know – the one made by La Perla. He came up about two hours later and just turned on his side without saying Goodnight. I could feel his shoulders heaving and knew he was crying. I pulled him in to me and held him, kissing the back of his neck. He started to relax and turned round to me, eventually returning my kisses. I drew him closer to me and he lowered the straps of the negligee ……slowly, like peeling the skin from a banana. Butterflies which had lain dormant in my stomach for some time began to awaken. Slowly we began to make love like synchronized swimmers in tandem, for what seemed a delicious eternity. Finished, we lay back spent and empty as two gun cartridges after a pheasant shoot. I feel we are regaining what we had all those years ago.” George “Gutted! Lost by a single shot to Hilden. Had a quickie with the missus though!” AND for the girlies………read a proper love story at https://www.facebook.com/PaulAnthonyAuthor/posts/729331400539221 See….not so hard nosed after all……… eh ladies!!!! AND for the neurotic among you…..you think nobody knows about your little hobby don’t you…… yes we do……all of us! AND on McGarrity’s trip to the Big Apple….he was forced to pay a ten dollar tip for a five yard carrying of a suitcase by an Afro American hotel porter. A similar Afro American wearing nowt but a throng – or is it thong – offered him a hands on “hug” for five dollars in Times Square. His missus declined for him. Ah well Peter – nearest you will get on both accounts to tasting the cocoa bean!! GENTLEMAN Jim McGetterick played a triples game last week….without his missus supporting!!! WHO was 18-12 up in a recent singles game then went to the toilet and popped in to the locker room to see who he would be playing in the next round. Well? Who was it to be? Nobody….cos you were summarily dumped on your pompous ass!!! FURTHER congrats to the Girlies on their section of the web page. It is…… well………informative! Just like reading a noticeboard!! Til next time…. Keep strokin’ the kitty! HEY everybody……Mrs Belinda Brown got a new bathroom. She brought me up to see it. It has….well…..tiles, a shower, a toilet, a washbasin, more tiles, nice smelling things and….. stuff. When it was finished, she sat down on the throne and admired it……..for quite some time apparently. It’s a bathroom Belinda for Chrissake…..you really need to get out more. Although on the plus side it is somewhere you can hide when Big AL starts chasing you around the house in that little game you play….you know….the one he told me about….. “The Gamekeeper and the Naughty Milkmaid!!!!
Alan: “Where are youuuuuuuuuu?” Belinda: No answer Alan: “I have something for youuuuuuuuuu! Belinda: No answer Alan: “If you don’t tell me where you are, the rough gamekeeper will put you over his knee and spank you!” Belinda: “I might be in the bathroom sir! Do I still get smacked……please? AND talking Belinda………I was there…….I heard it with my own eyes……In the Mixed Triples…. “Come on Sean! Knock me up!” As I have said before, this column writes itself!! AND in the same game…….Carlos the Jackal apparently found it hugely funny that as second I called a short shot as “two big ones!” WHO da man? Ask Smokin Joe Frazer………….the aforesaid Jackal is…that’s who. AND speaking of Mixed Triples, no matter how you view it, it is a bit of fun. You do not pick your team so do not complain if you are slotted in with someone who is not of your ability. And thanks to those who were not afraid to put their names down. We missed the hamburgers though. Come back Gerry “Listeria” Lee….all is forgiven! There is nothing nicer than one of your Big Whoppers! But I have to admit that last year, with every innuendo intended, one of your Girlie helpers tried to palm me off with cheap tomato sauce in the back lounge!!!!!!! OK! I gotta fess up to this one, cos if I don’t, you are gonna here it from someone else!!..........Now this cudda happened on lane six, the farthest from the Clubhouse with me wearing a nondescript grey top and nobody would have seen. But it happened on the show rink with me wearing a bright red Albania tee shirt in front of the assembled village elders. Yes, I could not find my bowl! Yes I strode up and down the lane twice, looking for it! Yes I migrated on to the next lane to see if it had been inadvertently lifted and played! Yes I searched under coats, towels and even in the bins. Yes I told the delightful Denise McMahon, that bowl she showed me from the other end of the lane was not mine! Yes it was! I had played the previous end with only two bowls! Now this would not normally cause a stir, but the assembled masses thought it was humungus and told me to make sure it appeared on the blog. Well it has, now get over it! It’s only mixed triples for Chrissake! WITH the trend of silly old gits (see last week’s column on Marty boy Moore) trying to “get down” with their sons, rumour has it that Sean “The Post” Magorrian now wants to be called Seanbo to be cool like his son Jimbo. AND still on Marty Moore…..remember last week that after the Belsonic fiasco he retired to the Premier Inn with his cub? Now………..what are Premier Inns renowned for???? A good night’s sleep. Their beds are handcrafted in Mongolia with cotton sheets sourced from artisan peasants on the Nile Delta. So where does Marty crash out??? On the freakin’ bathroom floor!!!! Great role model for your cub Marty boy!!! AND talking of Seanbo and Jimbo….. who was spotted necking early morning pints while his bride of less than twenty four hours was searching for him. He had just popped out to take the air and have some freshly brewed coffee with his da………..apparently. It’s OK Jimbo, I know she does not read this!! But I am sure someone will tell her!! AND speaking of “Belsonic” Marty, do you know his Email address now begins with “martiemusic”. I am sure we could all think of something more appropriate! WHAT do Frank Rossi of the Quo and newboy Sean McMcMahon have in common? Is it that they both wear green waistcoats…………or is it something else. It might be that one plonks the strings of a guitar and the other is just a plonker? Get used to it Seany boy. You signed up for bowls….be prepared to take it in the mush occasionally. GERRY Doherty….stick to digging holes sonny. Apparently John Travolta has nothing whatsoever to worry about after your performance last weekend. And remember when you go on the Jolly Boys’ outing in August, not everyone has to sing. Barney “The Monseigneur” Griffin tried it once….just once….………………. PETER McGarrity as you may know gave up “shit food”, in an attempt to look good for his trip to the States. Bet you got no crap when you were there Petesy Boy! And we know you are a tad reticent when it comes to tipping. Bet you were forced to do it there my little pecunious poppet! And if you have indeed given up the monounsaturated carbs, why were you seen tucking into KFC and Pizza at your daughter’s surprise graduation party???? Burp! AND still on the subject of food……..well I think it’s food…………I got his from the horse’s mouth, not from one of my team of touts………do you know what the aforesaid Peter likes of a Christmas morning…a good ole ham shank! His words – not mine! I kid you not. Someone explain it to the Girlies please! AND a little segue (excuse the lack of acute accent on the e ) …… Dear Mr. Skip….why did you keep running up the green after your bowls in the Gentlemen’s Triples? If it was me, if the first three did not do the job, I would have stopped!!! I lied Jon Boy….you didn’t think I would let this one go did you???!!!Posted last week on Jon Boy’s FB page, a glass of cheap sparkling wine with a Moet and Chandon cork thrown casually beside it. You are foolin’ nobody laddie….who do you think you are? Me!!!! AND for the neurotic among you, you know that when you go to the gents that one of us is sitting in a cubicle watching you…………. don’t you! STOP Press….apparently the De Bruns are unable to play their little game as the bathroom has no door. Alan took it off to paint it and has yet to hang it again. I know that when it is done Alan mate, it will be well hung!!! DUE to a surfeit of information, Fifty Shades of Falls is deferred to next week! Til next time…….. Keep stroking the kitty! CAN I remind my sources once again, that the Copy Desk closes on a Friday night to enable me get my stuff to the Distribution Manager Jon Given. This can be somewhat of a difficult logistical exercise as the guy is usually stewed by 9.00pm and has the follow up shakes on Saturday morning so presuming he does not succumb to the pink stuff after the game later on, I can be reasonably sure that the column will go live on Sunday.
APPROS of this, last Sunday I was having a leisurely breakfast of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs with Civet Coffee ( Google it!) and Rankin’s Wheaten Bread when my chief tout Patrick Butler MSc (not forgetting the commendation ) interrupted my Mahler’s Third Symphony to tell me that at the aforementioned match against Ballymena last week, Peter McGarrity would not eat the beans as they were not Heinz. Sauce too runny was it petal? Not the right texture precious? I hope any Ballymena Boys reading this will know what to do the next time Picky Peter arrives for prandials in your Club. I know what I would do! What a prissy poppet. I hope your bride cooks your duchesse potatoes the way your mammy used to do with just the right amount of chopped chives sprinkled though not on top cos if they are sprinkled on top I know you will not eat them! Perhaps that is why I see you popping in to Mumsie’s house on a regular basis. “Mammy, no one makes cupcakes the way you do it! Can I bring some home with me. I will keep them in my shed at the Club along with my nudie books!” Funny ….another ex President, the one who had the extra sausages, positively hovered up the offending haricots!!! And BTW….when he was spotted lurking around St. George’s Food Market last week it was not foot long frankfurters with sauerkraut he was looking for, but stuffed olives. Oooooh!!!! Suits you sir! More on Pete’s food preferences next week! THANKS are due to Mrs Joe Dolan, in the absence of Mrs Stevie “Torticollis” Smyth, for her deportment and etiquette advice to Billy T in advance of Friday’s wedding of the year. Our own version of Hyacinth Bucket eh? Perhaps she could be hired for the Girlie seminar programme as a consultant! Hubby’s innate finesse and savoir faire must have rubbed off on her! WORD of warning……….never ever leave a pint unprotected in the company of Father Eugene “the Minesweeper”. Sean Magorrian bought one, went to get a seat and by the time he had returned which was a matter of seconds, the cunning cleric had necked half of it. The apologetic, angelic look apparently did not cut it with the good Magorrian! Nice one Eugene! THE WAGS were out in evidence on Wednesday night. Mrs Dessie McGlue brought “diddums” out a nice warn fleecy jacket in the middle of the game to keep him from the cold and a certain Scissor Sister sat enthralled in the Jocks Lounge willing on “my Sean” in his first game. Bless! My other half, however, sat at home watching the football and necking my Jamesons whiskey which I had secreted away – not carefully enough obviously! WHICH Paul Sloan was absolutely bursting with pride because his bride single handedly won the game for the Girlies’ B team in Ballee NOW…this is a doozie! Which Mike Marty Moore – as he now likes to be called - made an utter arse of himself at the recent Belsonic gig featuring that well known disc jockey David Guetta. He was seen walking around – on the pretence of supervising his kid I may add – with a banana - or is it a bandana on his balding head, a glow stick and a can of Voddie and Red Bull in his hand uttering uber cool phrases like “Right On Man!” “Bring it on Babeeee!!” “Groovy!” and “That’s what I’m talking ‘bout!” I am sure your sprog Callum, whom you were supposed to be supervising, was mortified! In spite of what you thought laddie, the general consensus was that you were just being silly! I am told he had all the YMCA moves, did his own version of the moonwalk and ‘got down’ with the other cool kids…whose average age was sixteen and a quarter. Some of the revellers thought he was a bouncer as he seemed to spend most of his time hovering around the toilets and one occasion stopping a young couple from going in together unless he got down on one knee and proposed to her!! Listen laddie – get a pic taken. I can assure you that when you see it, it will not happen again. And where did the party animal go after the gig? To pop some “E tabs” in the Customs Square, for a rave in Milk Niteclub? No the local Premier Inn for a good night’s sleep with the sprog who by all accounts had more tongue at the gig than my local butcher! Martin…I have always thought you were er…um…special! You certainly are mate!!!! WE have all heard about throwing keys in the corner at swinger parties, or clasping them over one’s rear pocket if one is a tad festive? But what if one hangs them down, tantalisingly over one’s crotch? What does that mean? Ask Gerry “Gravedigger” Doherty. Maybe he will tell you! WHO is getting a job lot done in hospital very soon? Mark Lecky – that’s who. Getting a hernia repair and while he is there getting another few bits snipped off …if you get my drift….apparently! WHICH Pat Murphy took his bride away for a romantic weekend to Sligo for one night only using his Over Sixty Five Pass. Did you pack some Sanatogen TonicWine as well to help with the wooing process???? Did you also book into the local YMCA and treat her to a Big Mac – shared of course! THOUGHT you had escaped Jimmy boy didn’t you after last week? Thought we were finished with you? Yeah you….Frazer! Thought I would not hear about it. Well I did and I now share with the group. When one transfers between clubs they normally adopt the full mantle of the new one. Not Jimmy “The Stapler” Frazer. Instead of getting his club badge sewn on, what does he do? He uses a staple gun to attach it. Not thinking of staying laddie? Maybe you are waiting on a better offer? Just like the Mainland football team, it shows a clear lack of commitment methinks! AND for the neurotic among you …..thought we had forgotten about you too eh? Never a bit! Remember we were talking about your Facebook friends last week? You know they are not realfriends don’t you? And what’s more they do not read what you write. They simply “unfollow” you so they do not see your “stuff”. That is why you do not get any “likes” on your page. Just thought I’d tell you! AT the girlies’ match on Thursday, there was a spare dinner brought out by the delightful Denise McMahon and she asked for takers. It was eventually taken after much touting but Pat Butler said he would have taken it immediately only I would have written about it in the blog. Sooooo he did not take it………… and I did not write about it! AND ….finally before you hear it from someone else…... Yes I was in the Club on Thursday with my three week old grand daughter who has not been at all well. Yes I was goin’ all gooey over her with hugs, kisses and coochie coos! So what….does not mean I am a bad person!! Til next time………. Keep stroking the kitty FOR the neurotic among you, how many people would have remembered your birthday if it had not been for Facebook!
LISTEN folks………he told me himself. I did not hear it second hand – it came from his own mouth. George Keatings has a man room at the top of his house where he does “Man Things”. He calls it “The Cave”. I kid you not! Sometimes people make it too easy for me!!!! I have been taken to task by Mrs Sean Magorrian over my comments in last week’s blog about her boy and a German brothel. She wants me to make it clear if he was indeed in a brothel, which he was not………..probably….….. then it most certainly wudda been a Catholic one! And note that she paid the balance of her son’s Mild Boys’ trip to Dublin but not that of hubby. Hubby was not amused! FURTHER to my post last week about Gary McWilliams and his special Saturdays with his bride...good to see he was given permission by the selectors to be AWOL from the last A team match..... Sort of a conjugal leave of absence you might say….diddums! BRING out the stocks, the cabbages and rotten tomatoes and put Liam Trainor, Hon Treasurer, Acting Captain of the Midweek B and general all round nice guy in them. Why? Cos he forgot to fly the flag at last week’s game. Thanks Stevie Stiff for pointing it out. We can all rest easy in our beds – single or otherwise - knowing that you are on hand to tie up loose ends! AND thanks to Pat Butler for switching off the lights during the Midweek B game two weeks ago when the visibility improved. You saved myself and Liam Trainor – who BTW turned them on by our own selves, the bother! Decision making and initiative at its finest! I have been reliably told by one of my senior touts That Gerry “The Multilinguist” Lee bought himself and his little imaginary friend two pints last week. He thought he was sitting with John “Get The Arm In” Kerr apparently. YOU might also want to ask the good Lee about bus drivers who drive right past him while he is standing at the stop. AND talking bus drivers …..which in house bus driver did the same to Jimmy Armstrong? Jimmy boy saw the bus, flagged it down with a wave …..and the bus drive gave him a cheery wave in return….and drove straight on by! WHO was on £50 Draw duty last week when Carol Ann’s Da won the aforesaid £50? The aforesaid Carol Ann’s Da…that is who! Did he return the winning ticket to the box??? Did he frig!! I have a few scribbled notes in my little purple book about Alan and Belinda De Brun. Unfortunately due to their hospitality at the time of writing I cannot decipher them. Any help would be appreciated. They have something to do with “keeping up with the Smyths”, “peeing in a bucket” and “carpet burns”. Thanks ever so! ALSO, I wrote down some gems from Pat Butler on a back of a till receipt but have mislaid it. If found please return. AND talking till receipts, it is NOT acceptable when rummaging in one’s trousers for money to buy a pint, to find three receipts and just buck them on the floor! Bad form, especially from someone so important in the Club! BERNADETTE McCullough popped her head through the Male Locker Room door on Tuesday evening at her Girlie rehearsal and said “Any Jacks in here?” Quick as a flash Harry “Three Stripes” retorted, “Nope….we have a Pat, a Harry, a Paul, a Liam but nobody called Jack”. Sharp as a tennis ball that guy. Don’t think she was best pleased! A new term for a shite bowl….. “I threw it across myself!” Course you did Mr. Magorrian! WHICH Jim Frazer was not able to stay for tea at Ballymena as he did not have a bib for the beans which were being served. Do not worry Jimmy boy, the coffee stains already on the shirt would have complimented them nicely….a short of food Feng Sui you might say. I can see the next time you go to a trendy bistro and the waiter will say “Shall I serve the gravy now sir, or will I just pour it directly down your shirt!!” AND apparently, a certain ex Pres thought the oversize sausages at Ballymena were the pants!! Perhaps that is why he was lurking around St. George’s Food Market on Friday looking for some! WHO boasted about jumping off the top of the wardrobe as a precursor to rumpy pumpy?? I’ve seen you recently matey….more like crawling from underneath it and taking a puff of your inhaler then an out of date Viagra before getting down to the convivials!! And for those who keep asking me…no I don’t have any connections for this kind of stuff………..anymore! There is no demand anyway! AND I know a joke about wardrobes. Robin Hood was lying on his deathbed and said to Little John, “Give me my trusty bow. I will fire an arrow through the window and wherever it lands, that is where I will be buried!” John helped the feeble frame up and placed the bow and arrow in his hands. Robin mustered up all his strength and drew back the arrow and let fly. It landed on top of the wardrobe! WHO from BT10 comes in to the ghetto to get her roots done in the girlie barbers facing the Club on a regular basis? I thought that the Care in the Community scheme would have sent a female barber to her house to cut and Clairol the tresses – given her age! AND to the OCD laddie who parks in the exact same space in a largely empty car park every morning for the Vets rehearsal…..the more you do it laddie, the more I will get in five minutes early and take your coveted spot. AND to those who continue to park in the Disabled areas?? DON’T! AND talking parking…..yes dearie, you are still doing it – straddling two spaces. It is not that difficult pet especially when the car park is half empty. It is not as if you are driving a 4x4 SUV. AND those of you who continue to drop spent cig ends in the ditch……again DON’T! Until next time Keep strokin’ the kitty……… JUST a reminder folks that this is a blog and not a column. We really need to see more active participation in the comments section and to this end…..
TALKING Vets which we do occasionally……I counted ELEVEN names on last week’s A and B team call sheet who are entitled to play for the Vets yet choose not to. Really Sad! Where is the Club commitment! Comments please! Now and to business…. A recent snippet from the IBA site…. “PLEASE also ensure your bowls have a valid World Bowls Stamp which should be 2016 or later”. Well done IBA for being not only up to date but impractically ahead of your time!!!! VERY disappointed with Club members last Wednesday. While Midweek B were playing Ballee in a ding dong battle out on the pitch, everyone was inside watching football. I would not mind if it was the National team but it was Italy and some other foreign crowd. Bad form all round! FORGET the Quiz, the Grab a Granny, the Sunday night songfest…. Get yourselves along to the OCD corner of a Friday night and watch Mr and Mrs McIlroy do amazing things with half pints and pints of beer! Yes indeedy, last Friday, within a space of ten minutes, the uncoordinated couple managed to offload the adult refreshment over the sage gathering in separate tricks. Candidates for “Britain’s Got Talent - eh!” Most of it ended up on the table in front of Gerry Lee who quickly got his beermat and shovelled it like a curling brush sweeper into his glass before the official mopping up squad arrived. AND talking Gerry Lee and pints. Which barman made him wait until the ads had finished before pouring him his discounted beverage during the Free State v Italy game! By all accounts he was not the happiest of campers! WHICH girlie by cudda won a wet T shirt competition in a Spanish nightclub after the roll up in Monsoon conditions last Sunday!!! AND for the neurotic among you…. you know that in a hotel room, they just rinse dirty cups under the tap………… don’t you! AND Mr P Butler…the more you give me shit about my long hair….the longer I will grow it! I am a writer you know, writers can do that! AND further on Pat Butler. Spare a thought for his goat which is causing him considerable pain. ( Freakin’ spellchecker – that should have been gout!) TWO selection panels fighting over John Patterson eh? Never thought he was that good! I know….neither did you! AND have you seen the saloon gate fell offa its hinges. The Groundsman said his screws were not right. Story of your life Petesie Boy! AND further Petesie Boy what were you doin’ in the bushes when the girlies were playing their game? AND………the more the head groundsman puts down seed, the more the birds will eat it and the more they eat it the more they will shite and you will be delighted to hear that one of them off loaded the contents of its gut in the middle of a Vets match on top of me....right on the head, the size of a fried egg!. Those around thought it was hilarious and the jokes and smart remarks were flying, especially from Karaoke Kerr and the aforesaid groundsman….. I am quite sure it will raise a small smirk here as well.....especially from the girlies. And as I say if you cannot “do” yourself in this blog, who can you do! WATCHING the four times aforesaid groundsman cutting the grass, I have a tip for him....water it with a mixture of whiskey and water and it will come up half cut. Bamtooosh! PLEASE do not call to Gary McWilliam’s house on Saturday cos he will be occupied. His missus wrote to the Head Selector of the A Team asking that he not be selected on that day as that is “special time”. Allez mon brave as they say in Albania - well those who are French and living there - do! I received yet another story about Mark Leckey. It will stay with me until we play our singles encounter.....and may or may not be released....get my drift Markey boy! I am occasionally quite hard on the girlie bowlers so I would like to clarify that sometimes it is better to be a girlie than a jock. THEIR locker room smells nicer. How I know this is none of your collective business! They have books for borrowing in their locker room. Again….. How I know this is none of your collective business! THEY have covers for their scorecards which means they are returned to their Captains in pristine condition. When I get mine returned from my bunch in the Vets, they are a crumpled mass, covered in chewing gum and God knows what else and they have been filled in with bookies pens and the occasional Argos pencil. THEY do not kick bowls out of the head but set them down neatly on bowling cloths which incidentally are not the beer (and other ) stained bar cloths that most of my cowboys use. THEY have nicer post match teas with tablecloths and flowers (see previous blogs) aaaaannnnddd they don’t belch or make bottom noises. If they accidently do they lift their little finger and say “Sorry ever so!” if it is a top noise! And “More tea Vicar!” if it is a noise from the other end. The Jocks have one phrase which covers everything “Get it out ye!” Sooo rude. THEY have coolers of water at the side of the pitch. Hope it is mineral water ladies with a finely balanced sulphate/phosphate ratio!!! APPARENTLY some of the rough sorts pretend they are going to the toilets when they in fact are shuffling in to the bar for a swift one. Some of the male bowlers apparently do the same thing!!! There is at least one who has an adult restorative tincture in a throat spray!!!! AS well as their locker room, they smell nicer than the Jocks now that we no longer (sadly) have Gerry Carson’s communal industrial strength HORN! aftershave!. BY playing their games in the afternoons, they teach their husbands, in a subtle way to cook for themselves. THEY kiss their opponents at the end of a game. BUT ladies…how can you make a game over four hours!!!! Til next time…………. Keep stroking the kitty we start, topical information is not filtering through as quickly as I would like. Remember all I need is the basic information – just a line - and I will put my own personal spin on it. It can be true, nearly true or something which should be true but is not. I am not fussy. I am currently seeking stuff on the present President and as always Dodgy Dan Cregan and Stevie Stiff. Anything on Perfect Pat Murphy would also be acceptable. And now to business…..
DO you know who the biggest collection of touts in the Club are? The B team, that's who. I walked in to the dressing room last week to put up a Vets' notice, and they were scramblin’ over one another to stitch their mates up. All except a certain someone who was doing warm up exercises in the corner by himself - well at least I think that is what they were. It started off with certain individuals leaving gear at home for the recent Dunbarton match but that was only small beer compared to the rest of the back stabbing. Soooo, the next four pieces are courtesy of them…… WHO was seen coming out of a SVDP charity shop with two large black bags? Uncle Jimmy McGetterick, that's who. Now either he had brought them in and was told that even they did not accept such low quality tat, or we was getting stuff for his Romanian tenants in his houses in East Belfast which he rents out to them at exorbitant prices! Either which way, two weeks on the blog in a row Jimmy boy...knew I would eventually get you! SPACE prevents me from giving the full details of the Sloan Rangers trip to Kilmainham Gaol but it involved Jim Brankin's selective bad leg and doing a runner from a bar having ordered a full round of adult refreshment without neither paying for it nor necking it. A credit to your Club boys!!! You really should not be let out alone! WHICH B team skip phoned his wife Geraldine to tell her he would be home soon as he had just ordered a taxi and was promptly told he already had the car with him. Again, you really should not be let out alone! WHICH rink got a “seven” then dropped an "eight" at Dunbarton? AND talking Pat Butler which we do occasionally……….his wife was able to tell me that on a stop off on his recent cruise, his lips got a tad dry (bless!) and he went to a cheap chemist and returned wearing bright pink lip balm. She let him walk round with it for a while before telling him. He had to replace it with stuff which cost €10. Just as well he did not return to the ship wearing it as by all accounts he was like a cross between, Hilda Ogden, Joan Collins and an Armenian transvestite and the jolly seafaring boys would have carved him up. Hello Sailor or bonjour matelot as they say in Armenia!! AND from last week, which ex Pres, who wooed his missus midweek with a £4.99 ASDA bottle of Cava, had to sit down at the following Saturday match cos his hips were sore! Try champagne next time laddie and your cork will really pop! JUST askin’…..are Physical Training (PT) shoes allowed on the green? I thought it had to be proper bowling shoes! DO you know what annoys me? When I get at people in this blog, and even though they read it, they don’t know they are being got at! WHICH Scissor Sister told me that - and I quote –“ her jugs would be in demand with the men later on in the summer”. Which other sister gave me a bar of naughty soap with bite marks on it? Got it from San Quentin did we? Which Mrs Magorrian phoned her son who was stag partying in Hamburg and reminded him to say his prayers at night? I suppose for a few Euro more, the poor girls with no clothes on in the Reeperbahn (Google it!) could have praised the Lord with him! HAVE just been told that the blog is read abroad. At least one person in a certain club in those twenty six counties which abut our Occupied Six is an avid fan. I know some of our friends in Scotland follow it but that does not count as it is part of Britain on the Mainland! AND for the neurotic among you, you know by the time you have read this the Longest Day will just be round the corner don’t you? So it is the run down in to the long winter nights then. But you will get through them. You will have plenty of other exciting things to fill your time with….probably! TO those girlies who insist on lining up the mat with the lane number then dragging it backwards to the precise spot from whence the kitty is to be delivered, like someone dragging a comatozed Jim McCormack outta the back lounge on Opening Day, what will happen if your skip tells you to bring it out and extra twenty feet! See if it is lined up then dearies! AND talking girlies……….. good to see that they now got their own section on the main web page. Any bets on how long it will take for the recipes to appear and also the notes from the seminars. It would be useful. I haven’t laid a good (ahem!) tablecloth in years!! Also Mr Maire Smyth appears under the heading of Bonus Ball. Way to go Stevie! SOMEBODY said Father Eugene said even the Clonard Novena could not save Brian Smith’s bowling on Saturday!! STOP PRESS…..Did you see Uncle Jimmy in the Club on Tuesday as he supported the Occupied Six Counties in their footie match? He was sporting a two tone green twin set probably plundered from the Charity Shop black bags which were meant for the Eastern Europeans! What a cad! He asked someone to cover his slot for the Friday night £50 draw. Probably goin back for late night opening where because of his small but perfectly formed frame he can avail of the stuff from the children’s section! Til next time Keep strokin’ the kitty WHICH Vets’ selector could not find the glasses which were actually…..on his nose!! Certainly not me nor Pat McClean!
EXCUSES for an errant bowl…..(a) “There’s a bit of moss there. It holds it up” – when it is four yards short (b) “There is a bald spot there” – when it ends up in the ditch (c) “The wind caught it” – when it draws too quickly. (d) “The new mower cuts unevenly, you really can’t judge the pace of the green. I blame the Greenkeeper” - when no two deliveries are the same. (e) “Sorry, that was crap”. Bet you do not hear the last one….ever!! APPARENTLY Peter McGarrity recently gave someone change out of a ten pound note for a single fare on his bus without raising his eyebrows, complaining or giving a lecture! He reached into his top pocket and produced a five pound note which he then handed to the gobsmacked passenger along with rest of the change…….. without saying a word. The passenger said: “I was fully expecting a brief but nasty lecture, or at least a huge, heaving sigh, but he just handed over the money without acting like it came out of his wages” .But McGarrity – who never really bothered studying for a Masters’ degree - said: “I was just in a reasonably good mood today. Normally I would have been an absolute knob.” He said his passengers were lucky they were not on the mainland in London, where you cannot pay with money, or abroad in Dublin where you have to have the exact change. He added: “I might go drive a bus in London or Dublin then. That way I can really be a tosser to people who simply want to exchange money for a bus journey.” GO on…treat yourselves…cut along down to Sainsburys of a Monday afternoon and watch Mr and Mrs Brian Smith trying to negotiate the self service checkout…pure theatre. ANYONE else noticed that Sue Murphy is a very aggressive bowler when you annoy her? WHAT’S better than a swift sweet sherry after a gruelling twenty one ends against foreign opposition in the Ladies PG pairs? A nice cup of tea that’s what!! Well done girlies….no surprise there then! IT is rumoured that Mr Maire Smyth does not like sex on the beach. Now we all know this the cocktail but do not let it prevent you from visualising Stevie’s bare buttocks as he does assisted press-ups in the dunes to the right of Bunbeg Strand the next time you see them together! Sorry Son of Stevie but if you read this column, you gotta expect stuff like this! You don’t think you were an Immaculate Conception do you! WHICH bowler likes playing away from home? IS it unfair to call the Selectors the Gasmen?? WHICH young bowlist does not need to practise, according to his rose tinted glasses wearing father! FOR the neurotic among you….. you know that when you get a decorative flower on your plate in a Chinese restaurant that it is not the first time it has been used …… don’t you! AND…. isn’t it about time that someone invented left handed bowls for left handed players instead of them trying to adapt to right handed ones………. Just sayin’ that’s all! It would make the Pipecleaner happy! AND talking sophistication from a few weeks back, if you have little to do of a Friday afternoon, pop along to the Club where occasionally you will be treated to a melange of oysters and faux caviar. Ex bowlist John Tierney thinks it is the pants. AND to those who do it - and you also know who you are – a reminder that the objective of the game of lawn bowls is not to see how many peoples’ hands you can shake before, during and after the game and reminisce about the great clash with Dunbarton in 1974 etc etc…..it is to win and win clinically! DAN Dan the sunscreen man!.. Listen laddie if you are gonna try to “borrow” some Factor 100 best not to ask my current squeeze…..she tells me everything! “WHEN I first started bowling, I could not bowl to save my life!” Listen dearie, I have news for you………… you still can’t! THERE are two things you do not lay claim to in a jocks’ locker room when it is full…….of touts. Either that you have a small todger or a big head! Which one did Peter McGarrity own up to???? WHICH voyeur who lives opposite the Kebab House can tell what Club members are buying and what sauce they prefer. Do you spy on other things too Danny Boy….and I do not mean silver backed gorillas in the mist! WHICH Midweek A player is forced to sit in the back lounge eating his fish supper on a table without a tablecloth or cut flowers. Come on girlies. Put your recently learned skills to use and make sure Paul McGeough is properly seen to! WHICH ex President literally throws his money away. Big Kev that’s who……bucked his wallet in the jocks’ locker room bin! WHO has the most nicknames in the Club? Jimmy “the Waterboy” Armstrong that’s who. Who were you trying to impress James son? I got the info while on a bus in Albania from a stoolie back home! For Chrissake Seamus a mhic..lose the Donegal tweed hat. I know you think it makes you look like John Wayne in “The Quiet Man” but really…have you looked in the mirror……stand on a chair and see yourself! AND talking twats in hats, The Silly Hat Award in this year’s In The Ditch Annual Awards will not be awarded as my current squeeze brought me one while in Greece and I would win it hands down! AND Michael Martin Moore be careful what you post on Facebook!!! I am giving you a freebie with one of your last postings and will not share it with the group! Til next time…….. Stop Press!!!!!! AND.....more on the ex President. I have been reliably informed by another ex Pres that the immediate past ex Pres did not stay for tea at a recent game played during the week as he had bought his missus a bottle of Cava and was going home to "give it to her"......every innuendo intended! WHICH ex Willowfield player still carries his old membership card? Listen laddie......we are not like Netflix where you can take out membership for a trial period to see if you like it or not! Dump the card matey! And which other ex Willowfield free transfer prefers Neil Young to playing for Falls? A good spell on the benches would stop that sort of thing!!! Until next time…. Now you can stroke the kitty |
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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