Yet again I have the unfortunate duty of opening the column with the report of the death of Chris Forsyth. He passed away as he would have wanted in the middle of the game against Pickie. Chris was always a visionary and eloquent speaker at the AGMs where he put forward his views as to how the Club should progress. He was also no mean bowler on the A team. Take a moment to remember him before reading on………
I am mortified!! Without the aid of a copy writer/editor I inadvertently stated in my last column that it was Einstein who got hit on the cranium with an organic Granny Smith. It was in fact Newton and I thank a past President for pointing out the error of my ways. I am pleased to welcome on board a new “tout” who passed on to me some valuable information whilst on the sward last week. Simply known as “Three Stripes”, his street handle, he was able to inform me that a cohabiting male and female bowler got their locker keys mixed up. A simple error that anyone could make according to him, but having been raised on Sunday World and News of the World tabloids, I have to ask the question………were other keys, a table and other people involved? I am reliably informed that last week’s column was a little too sanitised and bland and that too much restraint was shown. Getting the balance between sardonic humour and litigious proceedings is a fine art. I will try to please all! Good to see such a large turn out for the Big Boys versus the aspiring Big Boys match last week. Nice to see a few others who turned up to make up the numbers……….bless them!!! Oh and BTW it is NOT acceptable to fling one’s butts on the green once finished with, even though it is on rink six and supposedly out of the eye of those watching from the stands. You know who you are laddie. L Reward Offered: A reward of ten pounds has been offered by Postman Pat for the safe return of his leather postbag. It was last seen on the environs of the green last week on the person of a shady looking character who would have it believe that he purchased the same satchel in Debenhams Department store at less than half price. If you see the cad and the aforesaid tan satchel, do not approach as he is deemed to be dangerous. Make the Greenmeister aware of the situation and he can use his newly acquired taser gun to fell the fellow! And on the subject of guns, the secretary to the Board of Directors has given his permission for the resident magpies to be culled – well at least frightened - by the use of an air pistol. The owner of said pistol has had stunning results in his garden by simply offloading his weapon - no innuendo whatsoever intended - in the general direction of their cousins a few miles away. Ken the Kestrel, that abject failure of a bird scarer will now be relocated to the Ladies’ Locker Room where he can take up residence with the other birds. Is Trixie Smyth (a) a British porn star (b) an American C and W singer (c) the dead dog of Mrs and Mr Smyth who was transported in a frozen state to Donegal for burial after he had popped his claws in Fruithill Park! With the sun being over the yard arm in the Eastern Med as I write, be assured that Pat Butler MSc will be downing his third Pimms and Soda with added umbrella, orange peel and sparkler. He has apparently bought the “drinks package” before embarking on his EasyCruise boat so the captain will have to make a few unscheduled stops to take on board the extra flagons of recreational beverage. There is no truth in the rumour that the aforesaid Captain had to send ten families to the port side staterooms to balance up the additional weight of the booze and the equally aforesaid Master of Science. On the plus side, the ship now has no need for a foghorn. For Chris RIP. In the words of the Bard Burns “ Better loved you canna be……”
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Welcome to the new Blog. I am grateful to a previous Meister for passing me some close season tit bits which will feature over the coming weeks. As usual this will be a light hearted, often irreverent look at events in the Club. I hope nobody will be offended and everyone will take the musings in the spirit in which they were intended.
To start on a serious note, I have to record the sudden death of Gerry Carson, one of the good guys. No more will he spray his industrial strength “Horn” aftershave around the locker room before Midweek games. He will be sorely missed. Also on the injury list are John Tierney, Bobby Murray and Fred McCorry. A speedy recovery to all. From the close season it must be noted that the dog who bit Liam Trainor has been given a tetanus injection and will not after all have to be put down. And a few questions for you to ponder: Which Gerard Dolan brought his wife for a meal to the Washington because the cocktails were two for one? Which Senior bowler and Greenmeister confessed to being “a Capuccino man myself” when offered a cup of humble black coffee by the Barman? Which drinker and occasional bowler left the recent indoor competition for an “appointment” with a lady? Story of the Week: Eureka!! Some of the world’s greatest ideas have been developed in strange places eg while sitting in a bath as Archimedes did, under a tree as Einstein did, but surely none can be greater than Gerry “Silverlocks” Lee lying awake in the middle of the night listening to the rain chuck it down. Now you may think it was an idea for harnessing aforesaid precipitation to irrigate the sward in times of drought! Never! It was, however, an idea to turn the rough land, stage left of the aforesaid sward, into a Crematorium. It has it all. If you unfortunately pop your bowling shoes in the middle of a game, instead of the skip trying to bowl around your prostrate form, your mates can simply man handle you over the advertising hoardings to the new dispatch facility. All the better if Father Eugene, the Ardoyne Anointer is there. He could perform a quick last rites, Brendan Griffen could adopt his best undertaker face and set fire to the corpse and the ashes could be out on the green as fertiliser before the close of play. We think it has mileage. It has been suggested by some of the rougher sorts that we dispense with the defibrillator so that a steady flow of paying bodies will be maintained. Until next time…………. Keep the chalk wet! |
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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