FIRST of all….People who complain about being “moved down” from Skip to Third should be aware that it is a slight on those who play Third. It must be remembered that elevation to the position of Skip is neither a sinecure nor a Divine Right and can be changed at any time! Personal rant over……..
I am ashamed that certain rough sorts have read innuendo into my simple comment about Peter McGarrity’s right hand in last week’s blog. It is smut like this which drags the good name of our Club down! I was of course referring to his excessive bowling. What else did these people think! Really! THE recent controversy over the settings on the green spawned two magic comments:- “They even had two computers and a guy with an autolite out measuring it all up.” And “That’s what you get for putting a bus driver in charge!” REGARDING the above, it was sheer entertainment on Wednesday morning watching the Head Groundsman out on the green assisted by Gerry McCloskey with bits of string, rulers, set squares and stuff trying to get the geometrics right. The reason they choose Wednesday was that "Stiffneck" Steve was not there to interfere. Apparently he was up in Donegal supervising trees being planted in his foreign country retreat! Recent conversation last Monday afternoon between two bowlers and a non bowler…. “That Nathan Carter is good! Aye Butsie likes him! Who is Butsie? Surely you know him? Is that the loud one? Aye that’s him! I hear he goes both ways? Who? Butsie? I couldn’t possibly say!” RUMOUR has it that first past the post again at the Floodlight Finals Foodfest – note the alliteration there – was Kevin “Extra Chips Please” Brennan. Plus ça change as they say in Sweden! FACT.....he spent the next three days on the throne at home as his classroom at school was - and I quote - "the second furthest away from the toilet." IF Ronnie Delia can get the chop for being a crap manager, will our managers get the heave ho if our boys fail to bring home some silverware!We could bring in foreign managers from Italy or Spain like they do in the Premiership. "What would they know about bowls" I hear you say. “About as much as the current managers” I also hear you say!! AND for the neurotic among you…did YOU get a piece of Rab Gilbert’s seventieth birthday cake? No? Everyone else did! Ah well, it is probably in the post! WHICH recently retired lady bowlist is just “waiting to be headhunted” for another job. Listen dearie, typists are not headhunted!!! You would be better spending your free time learning to reverse your car in to your driveway after a night of social lubricants in the Club when hubby is too pished to do it! It makes it sooooooo difficult for him backing it out on to a very busy Finaghy Road South of a morning! NICE to see the Village Elders have started to foregather again of a morning to take the sun when the Crusties are having their roll up. Always a good source of free coaching from some of the most pass remarkable people in the Club. AND nice to see Gerry McCloskey taking charge of the aforesaid Vets’ training sessions and organising the hapless group in to some sort of order. When he is absent, it is a veritable pantomime watching them get themselves sorted into who plays who, where and how many balls will be used. WHICH Hon Sec can be seen of a wet Wednesday afternoon lurking around the Airport Road looking for game birds? AND….talking tans which we were recently………… it is not just Dan “The Tan” McKinney who has personalised number plates to bolster up the ego. Someone else has acquired a pair – so to speak. Refreshing beverage of my choice to anyone who spots the vehicle in the car park. He’ll be getting monogrammed Y fronts next. Relatives and friends of Jon B Walton-Given are not allowed to enter. WHO is gonna get it big time from “the other one”? I’ll tell you who. The brave bowlist who, when speaking about the delectable “Scissor Sisters” referred to them as, and I quote, “The nice one ……and the other one!” Oh dear, oh very dear! (Note from Blogmeister – actually a totally different word to ‘nice’ was used ) APPARENTLY Dan Dan the Brown Bread Man does not do freebies! Cudda fooled me! WHO is the Lady president this year? Yeah! Exactly! NOW…….I have it on very good authority that if you are looking to pick up some spare – and I do not mean cash – the place to be is the card school of a Tuesday evening. Know what I’m sayin’? AND talking sophisticated Joe Dolan from earlier, do you know that he pours his three for a tenner glass of red wine not from the bottle but from a decanter. What style, what panache, what a pillock! WHO helps himself to two packets of biscuits, and “two for the road” from over the counter when he thinks none of the bar staff is watching. He does not even drink Tea!! I saw you laddie!!!!More than once!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR RENT OR SALE: Part ownership of a four urn columbarium. Pat Butler MSc and his bride have purchased a final resting place for his ashes on his demise. Pat was unaware, however, that size does not matter when you are dead, and that the ashes from his not inconsiderable frame would fit into a cocoa tin. Therefore the four berth final resting place which he bought is now surplus to his requirements and he wants to sublet it to make a few shillings to fund his new hobby of cruising the seas. WHICH bowlist threw a hissy fit when he called in to the Club for a post meridian roll up of a Monday and found his pretty bride still on the green after her rehearsal with the girlies, when she should have been at home cooking his dinner. Blame the head girlie coach Gary. After the rehearsal, she was teaching the girlie squad how to use the tape measure!!! AND which pair of Scissors bring their own stem glasses for the in house Prosecco . Listen dearies…Prosecco is NOT style! And apparently “Any time any place, anywhere” should mean something???? I only write what I am given. I just pass on something sent to me on St. Paddy’s Day! AND Mrs Maire Smyth has to have the right type of glass too – a Paris goblet – it is a ballon francais- actually dearie, and the exact amount of ice cubes for her Voddie and Coke, otherwise she sends it straight back! Til next time…. Keep stroking the kitty!
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I have been asked to mention that some of our boys and girls are taking part in the Marathon next month in aid of the Hospice. For further details and any sponsorship…. see Murph!
TWO last tit bits from opening day……Which Vets bowlist took a doggy bag of roast beef home for his pooch? The same one who took an unused dessert in another bag, that’s who. A dessert eating dog…..should be on You’ve Been Framed! IT was commented that the reason we do not win games is that we do not eat enough vegetables. They were sent back by the truck load at the dinner. And why is it that they always come round and ask do we want more gravy, but never more wine. In future let the Management Committee sponsor the gravy and we will get someone else to sponsor the wine! Cheapskates! AND a few little observations on Ladies’ Opening Day. Just as well the Fashion Police stayed away: red handbag with green shoes? No dearie! Fusion accessorising at best, lack of style and coordination at worst! Manhattan heels with three quarter length trousers? I think not! Multi coloured carpet slippers pretending to be shoes? NEVER! And a beach bag masquerading as a handbag….well!! It might do for smuggling in a quarter bottle of voddie to the back room of a Sunday but not on opening day!The shampoos, colours and sets were well in evidence but some still opted for the tried and trusted Clairol….you could hardly see the roots - honestly! Even the older Magorrian Twin got in on the act with his pin striped suit, Hugo Boss after shave and brown winkle pickers….looked like Arthur Daly’s Dad! Pity Mrs McGarrity could not find a baby sitter for her young boy Peter. She had to bring him along. Still I am told he was as good as gold even though he threw a tantrum when he was told there was no mince and potatoes. And he had dressed up too…..gone was the Benny outta Crossroads garb which he uses while tending the green! TOMMY Spence is delighted that he is gonna be fed the all the results from all games so that he can pass them on to the media. NO Tommy son, calm down! You don’t rally eat them. Sorry about that!!! AND now that both opening days are over, I have to take the Committee to task for not having an official opening of the tarmac surround. And I presume the Health and Safety Officer walked round it looking for little patches of unevenness less someone should trip God forbid and put in a claim God forbid! MEMO to self……do not take blog notes when I have had more than two sweet sherries. I have some garbled stuff on Brendan McCloskey and Liam Loughran that I cannot decipher. Have them on me laddies as a freebee…I will get you eventually. WHICH caring bowler covers his beloved at night less she gets cold. Jovial Joe Dolan…that’s who and his beloved is not his bride. It is his car which he calls Matilda or Molly or Tiffany or something! It is a pity that groundsman could not do the same with his new barrow and spade. They are left outside at the mercy of the elements. If this goes on we will need to replace them in another twenty years like the last ones. AND…..the aforesaid ’king Joe D was spotted coming out of a certain Deli on the Lisburn Road with a bagful of sophisticated goodies which he smuggled back to the ghetto. Better not let your mates see you scoffing the quail’s eggs dear boy. They might think you are a tad festive. It’s nearly as bad as “Turbo Trunks” Given and his Nancy boy drinks! AND on the subject of things Nancy boy…..which occasional bowler wears lip balm and not always when he is on the pitch! IS it true that when Dan Cregan was rearing his kids he told them that when the ice cream man played his jingles, that he had run out of ice cream! AND on the subject of things Cregan, he was spotted going into town on the bus with his Care in the Community buddies General Lee and Backhand Butler at 11.20 of a Monday morning. Rumour has it they were bringing him to a locksmith to prise open his First Communion Money Box! WHICH other tightwad decided it was time to buy a new fridge after the duck tape holding on the door – for the past three years – eventually would stick no longer!! WHICH MSc (with commendation) graduate has been boasting about how many touchers he has been getting recently? Listen Butsie baby, they have to be bowls related, but well done anyway! Further on the floodlit tournament…..it was just like watching an evening match at Solitude….but with more spectators! And who when he/she heard she/he was playing on a certain rink went out and practised for an hour around noon in an east west direction only to find that the assistant greenkeeper switched it all round to a north south direction. Still any rehearsal is a good rehearsal! MARTIN Michael Moore must have the cleanest bowls in the Club. He takes them home to wash them after every game. Some of the rougher sorts have suggested that he leaves his boy behind to practise and the real reason he slopes off is to have a swift bout of horizontal jogging! AND the aforesaid groundsman from above had to go to the doctor on Thursday as he was feeling a tad under the weather. The doctor informed him that in addition to high BP, he had carpal tunnel syndrome. As I only was mildly aware of what the latter I was googled it and found that one of the causes was and I quote “strenuous, repetitive work with the hand” No further comment is needed! NOTE: The material on the Scissors has been put back until next week. THANKS to those for contributing in the comments section…more please! Until next time….. Keep strokin’ the kitty. PS If you want more of my musings, go to https://www.facebook.com/PaulAnthonyAuthor/ where I maintain a page of my published short stories and stuff! I have been taken to task for making last week’s column too bland. It must be remembered that I tread a fine line between truth, hearsay, things that are marginally true, untruth and litigation. Anyway, I will do my best to spice things up.
JIMMY “the Sharpener” Armstrong has placed an array of finely honed leads available for the start of the season and BTW, it is a loosely held secret that he has 200 more at home. Need to get out more James laddie! But who has supplied the bookies pens? What will it be next? i Pads? GOOD to see Bobby Murray whizzing about again. Rumour has it that the new ramp installed for his egress on to the green will be opened by Eddie the Eagle! Keep on bowlin’ Bobby! J Who had the whitest shirt on Opening Day. It was a close call but our esteemed President just had it by a shade – do you see what I did there – from Frank O’Graham! Honourable mention to the Parker Brothers especially the older one who ironed the younger one’s brand new Ben Sherman. AND speaking of Opening Day……It is well known that several of our bowlists foregathered in Kelstar at noon for some light prandials before the big event. Now which ex President asked for only three sausages and two eggs in his Mega Breakfast as he was “eating later on”. And which Magorrian twin only had scrambled egg and sausage as he was keeping his love handles in trim for his upcoming nuptials. The same one demanded ice cream only at the dessertfest at the end of the dinner? Sorry there were no sprinkles laddie! Or a high chair!!! THE Day itself was marked by messages of congratulations from some of our leading politicians. Arelene Foster was glad to see the Red Hand of our wee country on the Falls Emblem and hoped that as many feet as possible would trample over the Green in the coming season. Gerry Adams stated that he was never a member of a bowling club in the seventies. David Forde stated that it was great how bowling could bring our divided society together and that some of his best friends were in fact………. Roman bowlers. The Socialist Party said that Falls was an elitist and exclusive organisation and that when the revolution came, the Club would be torn down to make way for a joy riding track and glue sniffing space for the disadvantaged youth of west Belfast. PAT “the Stretcher” announces that he is now on Facebook. Pity he has no friends on his FB list. Thanks to an unnamed informant who told me the story in revenge for the aforesaid Pat having taken candid pictures of him at someone’s first sixtieth party in the Club a few years back! AND talking Facebook, check out Joe Dolan’s page. Profile picture shows a reclining bowlist on a sofa wearing a silk shirt and drinking wine in a provocative manner. Bonjour Matelot! Seems Jon B Given may not be the only pink drinker in the Club! More on the poser next week! NOW as you may know, some of our finest bowlists who play in the Stadium have their own little “Rogues’ League” where they form themselves into a little tightly knit group, playing amongst themselves and talking to no one else. WELLLLL!!!! I am informed that the opposing skips in this year’s final were Ricochet Ray and Toucher Trainor and that neither could get any sleep before the big game due to excitement. Methinks if they had left their double bed which they share on a regular basis and one of them moved in to the spare room, they may not have had this problem! ANYWAY, I need not have worried about the conflict of interests regarding the Jolly Boys’ Trip to Dublin. Petit Parker has decided to back out, so it is….. “Another Brandy Alan a mhic, and do you mind sleeping on the left side of the bed!” WHICH Head Groundsman and trainee greenkeeper flushed with the excessive subvention paid to him by the Directors took a romantic beak in Donegal with his bride and organised flowers, chocolates and wine to be left in the room. Unfortunately the wine was missing but he was able to pull out a £3.75 bottle of Pinot Grigio from his Translink Travel bag. Apparently he carries it with him wherever he goes just in case he gets lucky! J And when there, he took the beloved for a meal to the Silver Tassle, where he informs me that there was only one piece of chicken in his stir fry. Little does he know that it was a mistake and it was a vegetarian fry made up of stuff left over after other diners had finished and the piece of reformed hen had been inadvertently thrown in! THE pubs on the strip in a certain resort in the Algarve can once again breathe a sigh of relief as Buster Kerr is back on home soil. Apparently he trawled each and every one on a nightly basis on his recent holiday looking for Karaoke evenings and proceeded to jump in and take over, knocking women and children to the side, forcing the clientele to leave in droves for quieter spots. Fuelled with this new addiction, he went to the sing song in the backroom a few Sundays ago and was most annoyed when he was shunned by the regulars who not only refused his pleas to sing but even tried to evict him from the seat in which he was sitting. AND finally…..nice to see a HUGE entry for the mixed pairs three ball competition. I am sure that it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it is free. Until next time…………. Keep stroking the kitty! The President and the Call Girl!
Not the Present President….Another One! FIRST of all we wish Brendan Rice a continued speedy recovery from his prolonged illness. The Bar Committee especially wish you well and hope that you are back in harness soon as profits are down. WHICH Hon Sec who freely admits to being as good at spelling as Ulster politicians are at telling the truth, passed his opening day letter and other enclosures to his bride to check for errors, and the aforesaid bride who hates incorrect spelling, proof read the stuff yet managed to miss several simple errors. Don’t worry guys, with all the advances in technology, I am sure that an automatic spell checker will be invented soon! WHAT’S the difference between Jim Brankin MEd and Vice President Sean Magorrian. I’ll tell you what. Jim gives good tips which meant I netted 200 Euro on his suggestion for Cheltenham whereas I lifted freak all squared on Magorrian’s tip! IN addition to picking team captains for the upcoming season, we also need to choose escape coordinators for away matches who will – after the second embarrassing silence at the end of the post match nosebag – give the nod to leg it for the door and home to the Club. Big Jack would be my choice. His trapping from the foodfests in last year’s Midweek A games is legendary………. I am told! AND which Jackie Collins tried to save the day in the Stadium and drove the head to reduce the lead of the opposition and only succeeded in creaming the one bowl his side had in the loose vicinity and gave away eight shots in the process. How often have you heard the elders in the Club tell you that bowls is a drawing game laddie? NOW…..some free advice. If you see me sitting with my glass of sweet sherry and a notebook and pen beside me, it is probably best not to sit down and chat. The following gem was offered freely by someone who thought he was sharing an innocent escapade of his youth with me. WHICH ex President was caught in the Red Light district of a town in the south west of the Netherlands at the age of 12? While the rest of us were making do with the underwear section of the Littlewoods Catalogue and nudie Barbie Dolls , this little scallywag was testing the waters with real women on a school trip. Allez mon brave as they say in Dutch! Similarly the private story of the Stiff One and the walk in bath was divulged to me by his current bride. IN a certain bar in Union Street, I am reliably informed that the resident band of a weekend is “Lonesome George”. Might be a new moniker for our own “Gorgeous George” when his wife turfs him outta bed for making rude noises!!!! AND talking bars…. which famous foursome went on a pub crawl in the post Festive dog days and ended up in the “Three C’s” – the drinking emporium - not the school where I once taught. One of the group referred to it as the “Three Fs”. A prize of a refreshing beverage of my choice to the first person who can tell me what the Three Cs and the Three Fs actually stand for. Friends, relations and employees of Mrs and Mr Maire Smyth and Mr and Mrs De Brun – the name by which Alan and Belinda Brown now prefer to be known by – are prohibited from entering! AND since I have given a new Irish moniker to the Browns, what about changing Billy T Aiken’s middle name to “Druid an Doras. If you do not know what that means see the resident Gaeligore Jon (without the ‘h’ - pronounced ‘aitch’ ) B Given. AND…further on social clubs – if you were signed in to a social club for a pint and no one spoke to you, would you say it was an anti social social club? AND on the subject of Mr De Brun, it has come to my attention that he has been asked to go on the Jolly Boys outing to the capital city of that foreign country of which I spoke earlier. This places me in somewhat of a dilemma. As people may know, I acquired a temporary “room boy” for the last trip to the mainland and very acceptable he was too. Now…do I go with the tried and trusted Alan mo chara from two years ago, or the smaller, younger and perfectly formed Martin Parker, the new kid on the block. Methinks I will have to set up some clinical tests where they can try to outdo each other in their efforts to please me. Although as Martin is now a selector, maybe I should choose him then he will then choose me for the Midweek A team. I am sure nothing like that has ever been done before in our wee club – no siree Jose, no way Bob! Selectors pick on merit only….it is alleged. J WHICH senior citizen was found wandering the corridors of the hotel in Ballyshannon at the annual away short mat bowls fest in high heels asking people if they wanted a good time. AND…with hardly any connection whatsoever, a quandary for the big boys. Apparently we have got a few quality players in the pre season transfer window. Now while this has been greeted with general euphoria, it may mean you, yes YOU – the neurotic one of limited ability - may not get anymore games at top level. But never worry about it, you will be ok……….probably! AND talking ghettoes which I will be next time around….…..which hubby and wifey hired a hot tub with extra bubbles for their house over the festive period. Where do they think they live eh? Malone Road like me? Swanky eh? And for the neurotic among you were YOU invited? NO? Not posh enough eh? Maybe they thought you would provide your own bubbles in your own way if you get my drift! And on the above, in a fit of pique at being one of those not invited, John Boy Walton-Given went and made his own. He was pictured naked as a jaybird on Facebook amid the bubbles holding his penguin in his hands. ** Editors note: it was actually a pelican ** WHICH Pat Butler was heard to say the “bowlers can smell each other!” Pat, it is not the unintended sexual innuendo which bothers me. It is the incorrect use of grammar. Two bowlers can smell each other, but bowlers in general, which I think you meant, smell one another! Rank bad form and example from a Masters graduate! AND talking Masters graduates, some more rank bad form. On the Life Members board, Jim Brankin’s MEd has been thoughtlessly omitted as is the honorary Doctor of Divinity awarded to Monsignor Barney Rubble by himself! I suggested this a few years back but the idea was thrown out. In a bid to raise funds, why not have a Jolly Boys Nudie calendar? Presuming we could get a camera with a wide enough lens, the good Pat Butler MSc and Mr Ex President B Eng and myself BA, Dip Ed MA, MEd. PGCScEd, Cert Tefl, ILTM could drape ourselves provocatively around the mowing machine, roller and the new wheel barrow. Sounds like a runner to me! Pat would be a natural photographic subject now with his perma tan from all the Saga holidays himself and his current squeeze go on! AND… talking about the new wheelbarrow. The old one almost had to be prised from the Head Greenkeeper’s hands just like his communion money. It was held together by dirt and tradition and the holes were patched up with duck tape and Asda bags. AND speaking of rumours, it has been said that two ex Presidents were thinking about “throwing” a couple of games in the shortmat bowlsfest in early February so that they would be freed up to watch Ireland play in the Six Nations! Until next time…. Keep strokin’ the kitty |
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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