For the older ones among you and let’s face it that is most, you will remember the film “Invasion of the Body Snatchers!” Well it has happened here. One of our own has been subsumed. John “Buster” Kerr, the man’s man, the hard one, the rock, has been snatched by the girlies. He was seen last week offering tea and scones to the visiting girlies under the direction of a senior girlie – not quite sure actually what she does but she is always around organising things. Hope the cream was clotted Johnnie boy and the jam was at least M and S Rhubarb and Ginger or Cottage Delight Scottish Raspberry. And do not worry about your sexuality. If this is the first part of coming out then we will fully support you. It does not mean you are a bad person!
CAN I appeal to my correspondents not to contact me during my afternoon nap! I was just about to scale the north face of Jennifer Anniston when I received the following gem. Some of you may know that the senior groundsman is a tad careful about his general health. Well, his son made the mistake of buying him a portable Blood Pressure machine which can be used ad hoc or as a twenty four hour monitor. Nothing was safe….after he had exhausted it on himself, he took to taking readings from the dog, the chairs, anything he could clamp the machine around. When he tried it on with his wife as she slept, she promptly hid the thing but he threw a strop so she had to give it back. Soooo…..please keep your distance from him in the Club or he will have you on the floor with your arm in the air measuring you systolics and diastolics. AND BTW Peter, your locker room indiscretion is deferred til next week!! AND for the neurotic among you….. how is your pressure? When did you have it last checked? It’s OK I am sure….probably….. but you can never be too sure…..and if you don’t know who the neurotic one in the group is………….then it’s you! And did you get an invite to the younger Magorrian twin’s wedding of the year? No? Not even the “evening reception?” It is probably not a snub….just an oversight – yes that what it is – an oversight…………probably! And do not worry, sure you can go to his next one! AND who has taken up surfboarding and care in the community driving in advance of the aforesaid nuptuals? Look kiddo, the third passenger probably would have given you petrol money! You will get eff all squared from your front seat passenger!! I am informed by the above correspondent that he was strolling up Fruithill Park, when he saw a camper van parked in a driveway close to Mrs and Mr Smyth. Maybe they are little friends they met on their road trip who are over for a bit of R and R. Christ…I will direct the movie…..”Campervan Swingers of West Belfast!” Instead of keys on the table it will be campervans in the middle of a certain supermarket carpark. And has Stevie “Stiff” got the perfect moniker to act in such a movie or what!! I know it does not apply to Falls but clubs should make sure there is no additional grass on the side of the green! WHICH sophisticated stalwart, senior bowler and another genuine all round nice guy is known to his extended family simply as “ wee Uncle Jimmy”. WHICH of all the teams in the Club is the toughest. Vets B that’s who! At the time of writing, THREE teams have refused to travel to us. Probably they already heard of “Mauler McCloskey” Marty “Nutter” Quinn, “Knuckles” Jordan and the rest. Well hard they are! YOUNG grandson Smyth knows a thing or two about bowls. On how not to be selected “Watch the match, tell them how badly they played then they will be a reserve!” Wonder where he got it from! AND with no connection hardly whatsoever…. SELECTORS… you know you can drop yourself……don’t you! Which is more important - getting a Club win or getting a run out for yourself as opposed to others who are better players!! WHICH John Cassidy got the time of the Midweek A team match wrong and arrived to find his team mates already gone and left the Club at a rate of knots to try to catch them. He pushed his car so hard that it broke down near Ards Shopping Centre. Did you think that the sub which had already been co opted in to your place would be summarily dismissed to let you back on Johnnie boy? IT is not too early to give me nominations for the Annual In The Ditch Awards. Private suggestions by email are also welcome to [email protected]. Discretion is assured. Already on the list - Deirdre Walsh, Dan Cregan, George Keatings and Pat Butler. SORRY Murph for thinking you were Pat McClean….from a distance! Sorry to you too Pat! WHO ate all the pies??? Michael Martin Moore – that’s who! At Ards….two dinners, two desserts and three chocolate biscuits. Sorry for the delay in posting but the original information was incorrect due to misinformation from a shoddy correspondent! Thought you had escaped didn’t ya! “YOU’RE nowhere near it!” says Gerry Lowe to his skip Marty Quinn when his bowl took off as if it had a mind of its own! Just what your wife says to you of a romantic evening….. eh Gerry Boy! AND which girlie was less than girlie like on the bleachers last week at the girlie Cup game! RESULT:- Club Flag 0-1 Moke ( after extra time). It was a tough encounter but Moke eventually won the day. Just make sure I am not watching the debacle next time! Okey Dokey Mokey!! GOOD to see Monsignor Barney Rubble DD, MD back on his feet again and holding court in the Jocks’ Lounge of a Sunday. Rumour has it that for his heart surgery he refused anaesthetic and opted for acupuncture so that he would be awake to tell the surgeon what to do and could give himself the last rites if God forbid he fell off his perch! DUE to lack of space, the story of the Russian Oligarch, the Cleric and the Chick will have to be left for another day! AS you read this, I will be sunning my racing snake body in Corfu. If you have any info for the next column, please send to [email protected] – otherwise you will be reading stuff which is precooked – although it does include some gems like the polite bus driver, bonking in the sand dunes at Bunbeg and multitasking girlies! Until next time…. Keep stroking the kitty
2 Comments
Two Pies
6/6/2016 04:16:17 pm
In my defence Blogmeister. It is very rude to leave food after it has been lovingly prepared. By the way your information is still incorrect. That was at Willowfield. At Ards I only had 3 hot dogs, 1 piece of apple pie and a few biscuits. So there..I do have will power. :)
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Dear Two Pies
7/6/2016 12:59:21 pm
I am muchly mortified for having posted incorrect information. You know that untruths are frowned upon in my column. The highest standards apply always!
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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