The President and the Call Girl!
Not the Present President….Another One! FIRST of all we wish Brendan Rice a continued speedy recovery from his prolonged illness. The Bar Committee especially wish you well and hope that you are back in harness soon as profits are down. WHICH Hon Sec who freely admits to being as good at spelling as Ulster politicians are at telling the truth, passed his opening day letter and other enclosures to his bride to check for errors, and the aforesaid bride who hates incorrect spelling, proof read the stuff yet managed to miss several simple errors. Don’t worry guys, with all the advances in technology, I am sure that an automatic spell checker will be invented soon! WHAT’S the difference between Jim Brankin MEd and Vice President Sean Magorrian. I’ll tell you what. Jim gives good tips which meant I netted 200 Euro on his suggestion for Cheltenham whereas I lifted freak all squared on Magorrian’s tip! IN addition to picking team captains for the upcoming season, we also need to choose escape coordinators for away matches who will – after the second embarrassing silence at the end of the post match nosebag – give the nod to leg it for the door and home to the Club. Big Jack would be my choice. His trapping from the foodfests in last year’s Midweek A games is legendary………. I am told! AND which Jackie Collins tried to save the day in the Stadium and drove the head to reduce the lead of the opposition and only succeeded in creaming the one bowl his side had in the loose vicinity and gave away eight shots in the process. How often have you heard the elders in the Club tell you that bowls is a drawing game laddie? NOW…..some free advice. If you see me sitting with my glass of sweet sherry and a notebook and pen beside me, it is probably best not to sit down and chat. The following gem was offered freely by someone who thought he was sharing an innocent escapade of his youth with me. WHICH ex President was caught in the Red Light district of a town in the south west of the Netherlands at the age of 12? While the rest of us were making do with the underwear section of the Littlewoods Catalogue and nudie Barbie Dolls , this little scallywag was testing the waters with real women on a school trip. Allez mon brave as they say in Dutch! Similarly the private story of the Stiff One and the walk in bath was divulged to me by his current bride. IN a certain bar in Union Street, I am reliably informed that the resident band of a weekend is “Lonesome George”. Might be a new moniker for our own “Gorgeous George” when his wife turfs him outta bed for making rude noises!!!! AND talking bars…. which famous foursome went on a pub crawl in the post Festive dog days and ended up in the “Three C’s” – the drinking emporium - not the school where I once taught. One of the group referred to it as the “Three Fs”. A prize of a refreshing beverage of my choice to the first person who can tell me what the Three Cs and the Three Fs actually stand for. Friends, relations and employees of Mrs and Mr Maire Smyth and Mr and Mrs De Brun – the name by which Alan and Belinda Brown now prefer to be known by – are prohibited from entering! AND since I have given a new Irish moniker to the Browns, what about changing Billy T Aiken’s middle name to “Druid an Doras. If you do not know what that means see the resident Gaeligore Jon (without the ‘h’ - pronounced ‘aitch’ ) B Given. AND…further on social clubs – if you were signed in to a social club for a pint and no one spoke to you, would you say it was an anti social social club? AND on the subject of Mr De Brun, it has come to my attention that he has been asked to go on the Jolly Boys outing to the capital city of that foreign country of which I spoke earlier. This places me in somewhat of a dilemma. As people may know, I acquired a temporary “room boy” for the last trip to the mainland and very acceptable he was too. Now…do I go with the tried and trusted Alan mo chara from two years ago, or the smaller, younger and perfectly formed Martin Parker, the new kid on the block. Methinks I will have to set up some clinical tests where they can try to outdo each other in their efforts to please me. Although as Martin is now a selector, maybe I should choose him then he will then choose me for the Midweek A team. I am sure nothing like that has ever been done before in our wee club – no siree Jose, no way Bob! Selectors pick on merit only….it is alleged. J WHICH senior citizen was found wandering the corridors of the hotel in Ballyshannon at the annual away short mat bowls fest in high heels asking people if they wanted a good time. AND…with hardly any connection whatsoever, a quandary for the big boys. Apparently we have got a few quality players in the pre season transfer window. Now while this has been greeted with general euphoria, it may mean you, yes YOU – the neurotic one of limited ability - may not get anymore games at top level. But never worry about it, you will be ok……….probably! AND talking ghettoes which I will be next time around….…..which hubby and wifey hired a hot tub with extra bubbles for their house over the festive period. Where do they think they live eh? Malone Road like me? Swanky eh? And for the neurotic among you were YOU invited? NO? Not posh enough eh? Maybe they thought you would provide your own bubbles in your own way if you get my drift! And on the above, in a fit of pique at being one of those not invited, John Boy Walton-Given went and made his own. He was pictured naked as a jaybird on Facebook amid the bubbles holding his penguin in his hands. ** Editors note: it was actually a pelican ** WHICH Pat Butler was heard to say the “bowlers can smell each other!” Pat, it is not the unintended sexual innuendo which bothers me. It is the incorrect use of grammar. Two bowlers can smell each other, but bowlers in general, which I think you meant, smell one another! Rank bad form and example from a Masters graduate! AND talking Masters graduates, some more rank bad form. On the Life Members board, Jim Brankin’s MEd has been thoughtlessly omitted as is the honorary Doctor of Divinity awarded to Monsignor Barney Rubble by himself! I suggested this a few years back but the idea was thrown out. In a bid to raise funds, why not have a Jolly Boys Nudie calendar? Presuming we could get a camera with a wide enough lens, the good Pat Butler MSc and Mr Ex President B Eng and myself BA, Dip Ed MA, MEd. PGCScEd, Cert Tefl, ILTM could drape ourselves provocatively around the mowing machine, roller and the new wheel barrow. Sounds like a runner to me! Pat would be a natural photographic subject now with his perma tan from all the Saga holidays himself and his current squeeze go on! AND… talking about the new wheelbarrow. The old one almost had to be prised from the Head Greenkeeper’s hands just like his communion money. It was held together by dirt and tradition and the holes were patched up with duck tape and Asda bags. AND speaking of rumours, it has been said that two ex Presidents were thinking about “throwing” a couple of games in the shortmat bowlsfest in early February so that they would be freed up to watch Ireland play in the Six Nations! Until next time…. Keep strokin’ the kitty
4 Comments
The General
1/4/2016 02:20:56 pm
Welcome back Meister......had you ever really gone away? Just viewed the weather forecast there....heavy showers between 1 and 8 on opening day - typical and lets hope that sets the trend for the coming season ;-) Bring your favourite brolly for the ceremonial bowl chucking event. Laters....
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Obama I'm (definately) Not
1/4/2016 02:57:14 pm
Good to see you back. Now to work out who you're talking about. Lot's to discuss tomorrow.
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Mary Holmes
1/4/2016 06:19:11 pm
Oh yes Blogmeister, welcome back and roll on the season to be Brollie fa la la la la
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Dizzi Rascal
2/4/2016 01:04:40 am
Great start to our new season.
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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