Yet again I am happy to correct an error in my reporting. Last week I suggested that some parvenu had upstaged Jimmy The Crutch-Sharpener by putting bookies’ pens in the Jocks Locker Room. It was in fact Jimmy himself in an unconditional act of philanthropy and I am assured that they were ARGOS pens!
For those travelling to Glasgow, just to let you know that the Pillmeister has only limited supplies of his performance enhancing drugs left. His surgery in the OCD corner will be open on Thursday afternoon next week. When they’re gone, they’re gone. Apparently sipping a G and T makes you a bad person according to a certain Midweek B skip! After speaking with a fellow bowlist in the confines of the dressing room, I am reminded of two things…………. (i) they walk amongst us and……….(ii) always make sure you position yourself between them and the door as my old College mentor used to tell me!! How many girlies do you reckon got their hair done for the Cup Final? More than several – that’s how many!! And most of you did indeed look beautiful!! And in preparation for the aforesaid Final they played the top jocks in the Club to hone their skills. Now I could get at the one loosing skip, Peter McGarrity for this, but he is getting done big time elsewhere so I choose one of his lackies “Pass Remarkable” Jim Murtagh instead. Listen James, it was Girlies you were playing!!!! My hamster could have taken them on a wet Sunday, but you laid down and died. Bernie McCullough was over the moon. I pity poor Derek who was looking forward to a nice cup of coffee and the “Antiques Roadshow” afterwards and was probably subjected to “victory loving” thanks to your incompetence!! Well done Bernadette and rink – well deserved win! And Jimmy Boy – any time you are ready….I’ll take you on……..and out! What’s a “high five”? The good doctor from Malone BC certainly does not know, or else he refuses to indulge in pseudo African American forms of “you da man” which Billy T tried to enforce on him! Hear there is a Starbucks Franchise opening in the Riverdale area???!!!! Or maybe not! Just in case you read this non bowlist……bowling nosebags are for bowlers only!!! And talking nosebags………… Dan Cregan….. bravo for scuttling into the silver medal position in the Mixed Triple Nosebag Stakes and hoovering up circa thirty per cent of the total provender available on to your plate with the quote “I hope I haven’t taken too much”!! Which B team lead arrived at the Club naked except for his undies, socks, shoes, Club jacket and nothing else? Which bowlist arrived down to the Club with his wife in tow to make sure the jacket he was buying from the estate of the late Aiden Hanna was the correct size! Listen Laddie……. learn to do things for yourself. Bet when you get a smudge on your cheek, she wets her handkerchief and dabs it off!! Ask Ray McIlroy did he enjoy walking around the theme parks in Florida? Then ask Michael Martin his favoured relation. You will not get the same answer. In fact one might be full of expletives!! Rumour has it that we need to order new dummies as quite a number were spat out last week, especially when team sheets were put up! The stories from the “Love Boat” abound, related by the good Peter McGarrity himself on return from his cruisette. The list of “crimes” aboard was endless. A waiter was stabbed and two people died. Rumour has it – well it doesn’t but I am saying it – that the waiter stabbed himself and the others took lethal injections to avoid his endless stories of his bowling prowess! In addition, three families were put off in Spain and a waitress was let go in France! Agatha Christie could not freakin’ write it!! Just as well the gratuities were paid up front ‘cos I am reliably told that in a previous year, the aforesaid Greenmeister, legged it from a Sorrento pension without leaving a tip after a week’s stay. He missed his breakfast as he hurried to escape and spent three times what a normal person would have left as a tip on a nosebag in the airport!!! One of the joys of being Blogmeister is that you can have a convivial conversation with someone without them knowing that you are mentally recording everything they say. Sooooo………..who cannot be left alone when he goes on holiday with friends and family!??! Pat McClean - that’s who. He got lost not only in Berlin but also Rome. In the latter case he went out for oranges for breakfast and just kept walking. It was dark when a kind lady eventually dumped him off in a taxi at his hotel!!!! Great stories Pat. Thanks for making me laugh. Who is our own Bear Grylls, off to the wilds to hunt and fish next week???? Talking skips and leads and mixed Triples, a certain lady played lead to another certain lady as skip and avowed although the lady skip lady was “ a shite skip” she was, in fact, a very nice woman.! And further on skips and Mixed Triples……….just because some of you were skips in this competition does not mean that you really are a skip. Know what I’m sayin??.......... And leading on…. for the neurotics amongst you. So you were playing lead in the Mixed Triples and one of the senior bowlers was skip. Of course he/she was not inwardly cursing you for being useless. It’s only in your mind. Everyone thinks you are great………….’course they do! Next week…….more for the neurotic among you! And finally an original cheap smutty seaside postcard slogan for your T shirt…….. “Bowlers do it bending down”………..Go on Michael Martin Moore – I dare you, get one done!! Keep the chalk wet!.........
17 Comments
Who sidled into the Club last Thursday like a cross between the Pink Panther and a crab, secreting his bowls behind his back so no one could see? Eddie the Onion, that’s who! And why? ‘Cos they were bright purple and he was gonna try them out, that’s why. Listen laddie, aren’t you a tad old for purple bowls!! Even I do not use mine on the home pitch! They are kept for the winter training facility at Shaw’s Bridge He was followed closely by Liam Trainor and his green tartan shorts. What style Liam. Dare you to wear them to the Mixed Triples Finals which you will undoubtedly be watching from the bleachers!! Who, en route to Castleton for a Midweek B game, dashed into McDonalds at Kennedy Way for a double cheeseburger, large fries, onion rings and a side of chicken nuggets and a milk shake. Paul McGeough that’s who! Apparently he had not eaten since lunchtime when he only had a 12 oz sirloin with fries (again) and this time sautéed onions (burp!). He made it to the away pitch at 6.29 pm telling his co travellers that they should not have worried as he did in fact make it on time. I am happy to state that the comments attributed to Jim Lowe last week were only partially correct. I must check my sources more closely! Unfortunately I have had to pull the story of the German porn star because the younger Magorrian twin shaved off his moustache!! Forgot to include this in last week’s column. You may remember Neil Diamond and the John Tierney Tribute Band were in the Province recently. Where was he directed to on his day off? Causeway Coast? Titanic Quarter? Mournes? Nope! Donaghadee – that’s where. Just wanted the sea air did you Neil baby??? Quality choice! You were directed well!!! When I phoned my current squeeze to tell her I had been dispatched by young Maxi in the Vets singles I was told “Yes I thought he would he would beat you!” The support of a good woman eh? Bet Andy Murray’s bride did not tell him that when good old Roger creamed him!!! If you are in a mood for some bubbling conversation, get yourselves along to the Tom Kennedy Memorial corner, known by some of the rougher sorts as the OCD corner, of a Sunday Morning where Brendan Griffen holds court for a small group of aficionados. Not to be missed. Even Bobby Murray turns up occasionally. Jeez I thought you had suffered enough mate. For those of you in the Savings Scheme it is apparently permissible to lodge stuff other than cash. A certain ex Secretary recently lodged four dozen cans of Tennants so get into your lofts and dig out old Beatles 45s, Compendiums of Games, bags of door knobs and your old crepe shoes. You never know what you will get for them. Who was caught by the security system in Asda’s trying to steal face cream and was frisked and was put up against the wall to see if she had any other unctions secreted about her body. Mrs Stephen Smyth …that who!! She was told not to shop in the store any more, was given a warning and told by the police to leave the jurisdiction of our wee six counties. OK…….. only a very tiny bit of this is true – well actually hardly any - and I of course embellish the story, but I am short of stuff! Talk to her for the true version! It is well known that the Japanese use umbrellas to shade themselves from the sun. Well Tommy McKiernan Sensai, at the Girlies’ semi final did just that but did not cover his two lady friends who ended up looking like Maine Lobsters while Thomas was as white as Jon Given after a rake of pink ciders!!. Way to go Tommy San! The generosity of Peter McGarrity knows no bounds. After putting £1,000 across the bar at the recent nuptials to pay for social lubricants for the guests the waitress came up at the end of the night to give him back the underspend of £100. His words were “ Don’t embarrass me love, just keep it!” A true Arthur Daley! What a benefactor, what style what a………….. Driver Alert Number Two……………..NEVER NEVER NEVER travel to Larne or anywhere else for that matter with Mrs Deirdre Keatings’ husband. There is not a freakin thing he does not know about roadworks………..that short white lane markings are nine metres apart and cats eyes are eighteen metres apart, that small cones cost eight pounds etc etc etc . And most importantly if there is an area of chevrons If the area is marked with chevrons and bordered by solid white lines you MUST NOT enter it except in an emergency see Laws MT(E&W)R regs 5, 9, 10 & 16, MT(S)R regs 4, 8, 9 & 14, RTA sect 36 & TSRGD 10(1). I could write a whole blog on the interesting facts he knows. Quote of the week: Rosemary Dunbar to Harry “Three Stripes”……. “What’s that you’ve got in your pocket?” Top end technology has reached he Club. Someone has surreptitiously left biros in a box beside the HB2s. You’ll have to up your game Jimmy “the Sharpener” although as they belong to a neighbourhood bookie, they can only be used twice before they run out! Congrats to the Girlies on getting to the all Ireland Final. I hope if you win that someone can deliver the acceptance speech “as Gaelige” as they do when they lift the Sam Maguire Trophy or whatever the Girlie equivalent of it is. If you are having problems, please see our resident Irish Speaker, Sean όg de Bhaltún. He can help!! Can the Jocks come and watch? We will behave ourselves we promise!!!!! Martin Parker wanted to streak across the pitch with the Club emblem tattooed on his belly and the Blogmeister wanted to do similar with it tattooed elsewhere but there was not enough ink…..know what I’m sayin’ ? Keep the chalk wet…………… A short column this week as I have just returned from tanning and toning up my racing snake body in Lake Garda!
Whose new sports car is called Tiffany???? Joe Dolan! That’s who!!! Which Senior bowler was caught by the ticket inspector riding the rails without having paid the full fare??? Who was caught slipping into an AC/DC concert under disguise. Liam and Jack! That’s who! Keep on rocking lads! If you’re gonna dress from head to toe in beige – or tope as he would have it called – please make sure the socks are coordinated Mickey – eh? And further on dress code, socks are never worn with sandals and Never socks with pink toes Danny Boy! Quote, possibly of the season, “Great line! Just take it out a wee bit more!” Brilliant Jay Lo! I have to report that the first attempts to scare off the resident magpies with my air pistol ended in abject failure. It was quickly worked out by the feathered vermin that the weapon has a range of about 21 cm and packs a punch as strong as a wet tissue. The birds (generic name Corvus Pica) simply looked with scorn as the little orange pellets flew past them to the left and right and they sat right where they were. I may have shared this with some of you verbally before but I am short of titbits this week. Which eligible, but not signed up, Vet can avail of free travel as he is of a certain age but still pays the full fare because he is (a) too vain and wants others to think he is still in his mid fifties (b) he feels he has enough money and does not need free state handouts (c) he is just a stupid wally – not my choice of words! And…………as I write it has come to my attention that another bowlist who could avail of the 65 plus bus pass – “never really bothered!” Question………….do all A team Jocks wear regulation bowling shoes? Answer…………...No! Style – it does not take much – just a bit of style!!!! It’s like drinking with your mates and they order man pints and you order shandies!!! Sitting with my back to the pitch, facing my beloved and giving her the fullest of attention just in case her headache might clear up before bedtime, she says to me, “Look at him, he’s not bad!” I turned to the sward to watch a certain Paul McEwan, reigning open singles champion, continually rolling a few lazy ones to within a ridiculous distance from the jack! Bless! And to the bowler who consistently refers to my belly – the reason it is there laddie is because your wife gives me a Bounty Bar every time I do her!!! Which Vets skip walked on to the pitch, did all the obligatory hand shaking walked to the head to receive the trial bowls of his front end then walked back to the oche to find his bowls were not on the environs of the mat but actually still in his bowling bag????!!! And which Vet bought solar stones for his back garden so that they would shed a comforting green light as dusk fell only to find that he is always in bed before the aforesaid stones give off their eerie luminescence???!!!! And which Vet tried to open his locker with his electronic key fob? Who thought he had underseat heating in his reasonably new car passenger seat as he reached over to place his cap only to find it was the warm glow from a fellow bowlist to whom he had just given a lift. It is a well known fact that stroking placid animals such as cats and rabbits can have a soothing affect on people with certain hyper disorders and also on elderly people who are lonely and/or confused. Soooooooo, as I was lying in my bed with my hands cupped around my horlicks, I had a brainwave. As bowls is a slow, almost lethargic game, we could rent out some of our smaller perfectly formed members to the adjacent folds for the aforesaid stroking of. I think we could be on to a winner here and earn enough money to get a new jacks/ mats locker. And if some of our Vets wanted to avail of the soothing facility they could well………just stroke themselves! Keep the chalk wet!..... |
Author
I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
|