EDWARD “The Onion” McNally played with the “wee Italian” in the Club Vets’ Pairs. On further investigation, we discovered it was Maxi, “Aye that’s him, the one who used to have the fish and chip shop – the Italian!” We decided not to pursue the matter any further even though we think on looks alone he may have mixed him up with Joe (Giuseppe) Dolan! The similarities are…..well….non existent!
WENT to watch Vets B play against Divis….It was a joy to watch Big Jack using the pram to collect the bowls. Man and machine in perfect synchronisation…. Such manual dexterity, such skill in collecting the bowls and kicking those he missed along the way at the same time…pure pantomime! Perhaps he needs to check out the Girlie seminar programme and sit in on the relevant class! ESPECIALLY for Mrs Morgan and Mrs Garland…….listen dearies. If you want to come down early of a Sunday morning for a rehearsal, please make your husbands’ breakfast first. An Occupied Six Counties Fry does not cook itself you know. It was sad to see hubbies Michael and Dominic sitting on the benches wide eyed with tongues hanging out waiting for you to finish. I know they could have gone to Kelstar but rumour had it that a certain ex President had been in earlier and there was nothing left. FOLLOWING on…..I think it is appropriate that there should be a check list in the girlies dressing room with items like ….. “ hoovered the floor, prepared the dinner, washed the dishes, did the ironing” etc etc on it and that no one should be allowed out until they are all ticked! AND finally on the girlies…..for the moment, I have been informed that one of the seminars involved how to present a tray of sarnies! The information is third hand so I cannot verify it, but the tall skinny bloke assured me it was true so I have to believe him! Probably best not to try it with the Midweek A team girlies. They are bucked out on to a paper plate, crusts and all, and at the call “Get tore in!” a very unsavoury sight unfolds as Liam Loughran leads a plague of barbarians as they jostle for the Chicken Tikka Delight and Tuna and Onion trying to see how many they can fit into their gobs at one time. Burp! TOOK a short trip last week to see Gordon Lightfoot in Glasgow on the mainland and booked in to the Premier Inn where the Jolly Boys stayed on their last outing. Always keen to wear Club colours, I presented myself at reception in the fetching Club Fleece. The manager asked me if I knew Liam Trainor and a wee grey faced man who silently wandered the corridors at night with a notebook in his hand. When I replied in the affirmative, he came over all funny and had to sit down. He told me that the cleaner who cleaned their room was still off on the sick having witnessed the fall out of what had obviously a debauched weekend culminating in a shower surround ripped from the wall in what she assumed was some sort of perverted game found on websites for discerning gentlemen. One hopes the upcoming outing of the aforesaid Jolly Boys to the Republic of Ireland – “our closest neighbours” to quote the lovely Arlene Foster - gives less cause for concern! OK…..so I wake up, have a leisurely breakfast of fruit and grilled bacon on wholemeal toast then set off to have a roll up with the Vets, noticing that the traffic is less heavy than usual, arrive and get stripped out only to find that the other oldies have not turned up. And why should they, it was Sunday for frig sake….got my days wrong….start of the downhill slope! Now…… do NOT complain that I never “do” myself in this blog! AND talking Glasgow! What is it about planes that make people want to eat and go to the toilet???? It was a 35 minute hop yet the paninis were flying outta the microwave like the punters had never seen food before. And relieving oneself!!! DO NOT get me started.....queues front and back like a line jostlin to get into the public gallery for Cliff Richard's up coming trial ( Don't worry Cliffy baby...our Gloria is standing by you and Daniel O Donnell is one of your team as well - if you get my drift!) I am diabetic for Chrissake and was able to hold the contents of my sphincter until I got back to Clonmellon...another hour and twenty minutes away after landing! And congrats Mr Ryanair once again.... 33 seats at a gate for a plane that holds 198 people....but I will still fly with you and spend the money I have saved in the Executive Lounge. APPARENTLY some of the girlies were offended by the sight of the rough vegetation stage left as they exited the dressing room to take to the pitch. That general all rounder and good egg, Steve “The Carpenter” Smyth arranged for a wooden gate to be erected to screen off the aforesaid offending greenery. Nice Job Stevie boyo! The gate is hung in such a way that the dead Pavarotti could limbo dance under it whilst singing Nessun Dorma and necking a pint of Guinness! It approximates to a saloon door in the Wild West! Your knowledge of carpentry is as good as the equally dead Mother Teresa’s knowledge of naked Sumo mud wrestling! FOR the neurotic amongst you……… if anyone is going to get the blame, it is going to be you, you know that don’t you! And, did Mr Maire Smyth bring you a present home from her holidays. No? She brought everyone else one! Well she will probably give it to you when she sees you. It’s only a friggin’ fridge magnet anyway! Although some people got shortbread I hear! AND talking holidays in a campervan. Where did the loved up couple Mrs and Mr Stevie Smyth spend the first night of their Scottish jaunt? In a freakin, Tesco carpark. Not as silly as you might think…nip in at closing time to use the bogs and pick up the half price BBQ chickens and the other stuff from the reduced aisle. Well “Every Little Helps!” Did it have a restaurant and did you bring her for a romantic meal you cheapskate and did you think you could use your Clubcard to get points for the overnight stop!? The Lurvebug was soon joined on the tarmac by buses, freezer lorries etc etc as it turned out it was the overnight stop for the ferry. While the temperature inside was a comfortable 22 degrees it soon dropped when they were wedged in between two Birds Eye transporters! Rumour has it they are gonna take the van to every Tesco carpark on the mainland and here and try to break the Guinness Book of Records for shagging in a semi public place! One of the rougher sorts has suggested that they should take it to Sainsbury’s underground car park. They would not be disturbed and could get up to all sorts of stuff! WHICH couple celebrating their wedding anniversary in the Glenowen – cos that’s where Harry “Three Stripes”, romantic devil that he is, proposed to his missus – changed their minds when they heard Mrs and Mr. Maire Smyth were in the Club, and hightailed it down “for the craic” with the laugh a minute couple? There’s more “craic” in a builder’s rear end for Chrissake! AND have you seen Carol Ann Parker’s new speckled bowls. Haven’t seen colours like that since I smoked stuff!!! Only a surfeit of material prevents me from relating the story of Danny Boy Cregan and the three jackets! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty
9 Comments
The General (now AKA Columbo)
31/5/2016 12:33:02 pm
As an avid reader and not-so-many-this-season contributor I note your various comments to the neurotic among/amongst us (dunno the correct grammar/adjective/pronoun/adverb/preposition/whatever.....) but I have cunningly dedeuced by your numerous subtle clues that you must be referring to me.......thanks for singling me out in front of my fellow members and the wider (non-bowlist) community ! And just one more thing.......
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Blogmeister
1/6/2016 07:19:44 pm
Dear Split Personality far be it from me to suggest that you are neurotic with your two names...reminds me of the old chant that Celtic supporters used to sing to the Rangers keeper Andy Goram who had a similar condition to you...." There's only two Andy Gorams".... stay safe..both of you!
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Hector Commacho
31/5/2016 03:43:49 pm
Dear blogmeister, I'm going to be honest with you, I read this whilst at my place of employment and found it extremely difficult to keep my quinoa,tuna and olive hummus falafel in check whilst digesting the Smyth's, campervan antics.
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Blogmeister
31/5/2016 10:53:23 pm
First of all Hector let me commend you on your choice of luncheon prandials.. quelle delicatese as they say in Norway. A true epicure. I am afraid that the legacy of ASDA brown sauce occurred in my time as Midweek Captain, the team for which I took to runners up in both League and Cup, yet never played for on a regular basis again – but I digress – When the good stuff ran out I went to buy more but was told by the late great Gerry Carson “Eff them… they will not know the difference!” You may want to take your case up with him…but wait!!
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Obama I'm Not
1/6/2016 12:06:46 am
Glad it's not me your talking about Bloggy. I get my superior frys at Springsteen on LBurn Road.
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Blogmeister
1/6/2016 08:03:30 am
Dear Obama...The mention of "The Boss" and your own monniker based on a great world leader minds me of the following link of another great world leader at the recent Croke Park Concert makes you glad you are not Irish!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0tBmb5wdpo
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Liam Neeson is looking you
1/6/2016 12:36:49 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZOywn1qArI
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Blogmeister
1/6/2016 07:10:10 pm
Dear Liam I have nothing to fear from you...for one thing my American accent is better!
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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