EDWARD “The Onion” McNally played with the “wee Italian” in the Club Vets’ Pairs. On further investigation, we discovered it was Maxi, “Aye that’s him, the one who used to have the fish and chip shop – the Italian!” We decided not to pursue the matter any further even though we think on looks alone he may have mixed him up with Joe (Giuseppe) Dolan! The similarities are…..well….non existent!
WENT to watch Vets B play against Divis….It was a joy to watch Big Jack using the pram to collect the bowls. Man and machine in perfect synchronisation…. Such manual dexterity, such skill in collecting the bowls and kicking those he missed along the way at the same time…pure pantomime! Perhaps he needs to check out the Girlie seminar programme and sit in on the relevant class! ESPECIALLY for Mrs Morgan and Mrs Garland…….listen dearies. If you want to come down early of a Sunday morning for a rehearsal, please make your husbands’ breakfast first. An Occupied Six Counties Fry does not cook itself you know. It was sad to see hubbies Michael and Dominic sitting on the benches wide eyed with tongues hanging out waiting for you to finish. I know they could have gone to Kelstar but rumour had it that a certain ex President had been in earlier and there was nothing left. FOLLOWING on…..I think it is appropriate that there should be a check list in the girlies dressing room with items like ….. “ hoovered the floor, prepared the dinner, washed the dishes, did the ironing” etc etc on it and that no one should be allowed out until they are all ticked! AND finally on the girlies…..for the moment, I have been informed that one of the seminars involved how to present a tray of sarnies! The information is third hand so I cannot verify it, but the tall skinny bloke assured me it was true so I have to believe him! Probably best not to try it with the Midweek A team girlies. They are bucked out on to a paper plate, crusts and all, and at the call “Get tore in!” a very unsavoury sight unfolds as Liam Loughran leads a plague of barbarians as they jostle for the Chicken Tikka Delight and Tuna and Onion trying to see how many they can fit into their gobs at one time. Burp! TOOK a short trip last week to see Gordon Lightfoot in Glasgow on the mainland and booked in to the Premier Inn where the Jolly Boys stayed on their last outing. Always keen to wear Club colours, I presented myself at reception in the fetching Club Fleece. The manager asked me if I knew Liam Trainor and a wee grey faced man who silently wandered the corridors at night with a notebook in his hand. When I replied in the affirmative, he came over all funny and had to sit down. He told me that the cleaner who cleaned their room was still off on the sick having witnessed the fall out of what had obviously a debauched weekend culminating in a shower surround ripped from the wall in what she assumed was some sort of perverted game found on websites for discerning gentlemen. One hopes the upcoming outing of the aforesaid Jolly Boys to the Republic of Ireland – “our closest neighbours” to quote the lovely Arlene Foster - gives less cause for concern! OK…..so I wake up, have a leisurely breakfast of fruit and grilled bacon on wholemeal toast then set off to have a roll up with the Vets, noticing that the traffic is less heavy than usual, arrive and get stripped out only to find that the other oldies have not turned up. And why should they, it was Sunday for frig sake….got my days wrong….start of the downhill slope! Now…… do NOT complain that I never “do” myself in this blog! AND talking Glasgow! What is it about planes that make people want to eat and go to the toilet???? It was a 35 minute hop yet the paninis were flying outta the microwave like the punters had never seen food before. And relieving oneself!!! DO NOT get me started.....queues front and back like a line jostlin to get into the public gallery for Cliff Richard's up coming trial ( Don't worry Cliffy baby...our Gloria is standing by you and Daniel O Donnell is one of your team as well - if you get my drift!) I am diabetic for Chrissake and was able to hold the contents of my sphincter until I got back to Clonmellon...another hour and twenty minutes away after landing! And congrats Mr Ryanair once again.... 33 seats at a gate for a plane that holds 198 people....but I will still fly with you and spend the money I have saved in the Executive Lounge. APPARENTLY some of the girlies were offended by the sight of the rough vegetation stage left as they exited the dressing room to take to the pitch. That general all rounder and good egg, Steve “The Carpenter” Smyth arranged for a wooden gate to be erected to screen off the aforesaid offending greenery. Nice Job Stevie boyo! The gate is hung in such a way that the dead Pavarotti could limbo dance under it whilst singing Nessun Dorma and necking a pint of Guinness! It approximates to a saloon door in the Wild West! Your knowledge of carpentry is as good as the equally dead Mother Teresa’s knowledge of naked Sumo mud wrestling! FOR the neurotic amongst you……… if anyone is going to get the blame, it is going to be you, you know that don’t you! And, did Mr Maire Smyth bring you a present home from her holidays. No? She brought everyone else one! Well she will probably give it to you when she sees you. It’s only a friggin’ fridge magnet anyway! Although some people got shortbread I hear! AND talking holidays in a campervan. Where did the loved up couple Mrs and Mr Stevie Smyth spend the first night of their Scottish jaunt? In a freakin, Tesco carpark. Not as silly as you might think…nip in at closing time to use the bogs and pick up the half price BBQ chickens and the other stuff from the reduced aisle. Well “Every Little Helps!” Did it have a restaurant and did you bring her for a romantic meal you cheapskate and did you think you could use your Clubcard to get points for the overnight stop!? The Lurvebug was soon joined on the tarmac by buses, freezer lorries etc etc as it turned out it was the overnight stop for the ferry. While the temperature inside was a comfortable 22 degrees it soon dropped when they were wedged in between two Birds Eye transporters! Rumour has it they are gonna take the van to every Tesco carpark on the mainland and here and try to break the Guinness Book of Records for shagging in a semi public place! One of the rougher sorts has suggested that they should take it to Sainsbury’s underground car park. They would not be disturbed and could get up to all sorts of stuff! WHICH couple celebrating their wedding anniversary in the Glenowen – cos that’s where Harry “Three Stripes”, romantic devil that he is, proposed to his missus – changed their minds when they heard Mrs and Mr. Maire Smyth were in the Club, and hightailed it down “for the craic” with the laugh a minute couple? There’s more “craic” in a builder’s rear end for Chrissake! AND have you seen Carol Ann Parker’s new speckled bowls. Haven’t seen colours like that since I smoked stuff!!! Only a surfeit of material prevents me from relating the story of Danny Boy Cregan and the three jackets! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty
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Yes we all know it develops their skills in bowling as they learn from those older and more experienced, it gives them a sense of independence, they get exposure to fresh air and witty banter etc etc. The main disadvantage, however, is that they have no money to buy their opposite number a post match pint as I found out to my chagrin when I made the long and unnecessarily circuitous trip to Salisbury ( see last week's blog on Satnav Steve! ). The little tyke was able to nip in three times to the bar and buy himself some bubblegum lemonade but at the end, was there an offer of a refreshing big boys' social lubricant?? Was there frig! I had to fork out £2 for a tepid Carling without a glass. I think there is some education needed here and the parents should be told either to give their bowling progeny the necessary readies to buy people like me the refreshing post match nectar or up their pocket money on match weeks. It's only during the summer for Chrissake. Or maybe the kids could even get a paper round. It is something the Private Greens need to address at their next AGM!
Dan Cregan: Can I give you some advice? Vets Selector (Me): No! Well that was a short conversation!!! IT is not just Satnav Steve who lives the good life. Check out the places on Facebook Jon B Given - Walton has been in a single week – not counting the past one! Muriel’s Café/Bar, 2 Taps, The Cloth Ear, Benedict’s, Blue Chicago and for a bit of rough…the Harp Bar! What style. What elegance, what a pretentious plonker!!! I am sure gin tasting in Uluaru was in there too somewhere! While you and I may lurch in to Raffo’s for a pastie supper after a night on the beer , this laddie is hitting the high spots of trendy Belfast! My sainted mother used to say “They would s**** high if their a*** would let them!” WHICH bowlist walks around with an expression which suggests he has a boil on his bum? First correct answer whispered in my ear gets a refreshing alcoholic beverage of choice. PROBABLY wrong of me to say to my opposite number in a recent Club Triples match “See the new bowls have not worked yet!” Mind games eh? A win is a win is a win! And Peter “Ronseal” McGarrity lived up to his new nickname BTW, doing what it says on the tin! Why go abroad when you can bring abroad here? Many of you men will have noticed in places like Italy and Greece that if you try to go to the toilet there is a wizened old crone sitting outside – or sometimes inside – to relieve you of 50 cent after you have relieved yourself! Apparently last Saturday we had our very own toilet attendants, much prettier I am told, sitting outside the gents’ in the vestibule redirecting guys to the only working gents toilet in the rear of the building. Perhaps you should have been sat – as the English love to say – outside the female toilets where at least one guy dived in to avoid having to go the extra yard with a full bladder! FOR the neurotic among you……did you have a good game last week or will you be moved down the batting order or Heaven forbid dropped altogether??? It probably won’t happen………..but it just might! Keep watching the board! Some advice! I was dropped from Midweek A to Midweek B this season. I prefer to think of it as being brought in to bolster up the B team. That’s what I want to think! So if it happens to you, just think the way I do. It will work for you………probably! RUMOUR has it that the Musical Magorrians and Gerry Lowe have decided to form a new tribute group called “ No Direction!” based on their inability to follow the aforesaid direction either on the pitch or on the stage. It is also said that they are working on an abridged version of “The Streets of New York” which if started at Lisburn on the Jolly Boys Outing to Dublin, should be just finished before we hit the hotel….on the south side of the City. RUMOUR also has it that Gerry Lowe is working on yet another new chord. This will be the fifth he has learned in fifty years. Apparently it will not be ready until Opening Day next year as it involves four fingers. WHOSE hair did ex bowler John Tierney think was lovely? THANKS to the girlies for giving the Vets B team a good work out in the recent challenge match. Some of the rougher sorts wanted to swap shirts at the end!! Some of the men did too!! IF anyone has any information on Jim McGetterick, could I have it please. The guy is too nice for his own good! SIMILARLY, any stuff on Jim “The Pipecleaner” Murtagh would be appreciated to enable me to get a head start on his smarmy sidelines remarks this year before the home Midweek B games start – if I am selected of course! YES Dan Cregan, on the subject of attention seeking….we know you played a cracker of a bowl when you were rehearsing on the TV rink but there was no need to strut up the pitch like an Open winner looking at the viewing gallery to see who saw it. It was one out of six full ends for Chrissake! AND talking of Alan De Brun’s trip to Benelmadena which we were last week, he only discovered Belinda was dyslexic when she booked the tickets………..he had wanted to do to Ballymena! And yet again he placed his wheelie bins across the front of his car to stop thieves stealing it while he was away. We should get him to give lectures on how to protect your home to the girlies. They could fit it in to their seminar programme! WHO gave her good friend a 60th birthday card with the price still on the back. You could be forgiven for that but not for the fact that it had been reduced from 99p to 66p….in Asda! WHO came into the Club showing off his new Aran Sweater like a Clancy Brothers groupie? . Pity it was on back to front! Not as cool as you thought you were….eh! WHOSE mobile phone is almost as big as he is? Stick it in yer pocket laddie instead of carrying it around. Who is gonna fone you anyway!!! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty WHICH ex President had the simple task of following Liam Trainor’s car outta the carpark to Stockman’s Drive then collect him and proceed to the match at Ewarts but followed another car and ended halfway up the M1 in the opposite direction !
MAYBE a satnav wudda helped….he cudda borrowed Stiffer’s one but wait a minute…it does not work. He used it to bring him – and the rest of us - the scenic route to Salisbury BC last Wednesday and ended up in someone’s front garden half a mile away! Stevie Boy always takes his car cos he trusts no one else!!The return journey minus sat nav was akin to Whacky Races with his lane hopping and road rage against buses. Murph whispered to me that he was taking his car next time. AND as you read this, Stiffneck Steve is ensconced somewhere on the shores of Loch Lomond with his wifey on a lovefest in a VW camper van which he has never driven before. I have told him to make sure it is parked in gear at night when they get up to their rumpy pumpy just in case the rockin’ and rollin’ starts it off down hill! Any bets how long it will take the loved up pair to stop speaking. Any bets they will have decamped to a hotel by the second night! JUST to reiterate, if you are passing me on some tit bits in the Club of an afternoon, please do so before the sweet sherry kicks in. I have some notes about somebody going to see an Alsatian dog in concert in Dublin and somebody else, maybe it’s the same one, not being allowed in to his own car by ELO! Hic! WENT down to watch the taster days on Saturday. What a sight the three coaches were, Messrs Keatings, Smyth (Senior Coach) and McCloskey, resplendent in their green jackets. Each was swathed in aftershave as they obviously had hoped to be tutoring some dolly birds at close quarters. What they got was a parcel of under ten kiddies. It was a joy to see them trying to be avuncular through gritted teeth. I left before one of them exploded and grabbed one of the urchins by the throat! AND…. notice for guys playing with your wives, mistresses, those whom you are trying to diddle etc, Do not let them walk up the green in front of you like Mrs Pat “the Stretcher” who leaves the quasi para para medic behind to set the jack and lift the mat! That’s a girlie job dearie and it gives the rest of us a bad name! Watch the aforesaid George Keatings and Dominic Garland Pat boy! They will show you how it is done, striding manfully out ahead while wifey scuttles along behind! SOME advice Geordie…..when you are playing with your bride on the green, and a measuring situation occurs, for Chrissake let her have it. DO NOT MEASURE! It’s only bowls…your convivials, steak dinners and getting your undies steam cleaned are much more important! Jim McCorry has the right idea. When asked to give a measurement decision from the comfort (and safe distance) of the jocks’ locker room door, by a fellow bowlist, who was rolling up with his current squeeze, he said “It’s her’s…do you think I am bloody stupid! AND further on the saga of the tablecloths……one wag wondered if the girlies get more points for laying the damask than winning a game. We could have a competition “Strictly Come Laying” with judges giving points….maybe “Come Lay With Me” “Master Layer” etc etc. The wag was Jim Armstrong BTW ladies if you want to rip his eyes out! The last bit was mine if you want to do the same to me! AND apparently there is worse than the table cloth saga, but my snitch has suddenly clammed up and no further updates are available so you can breathe easy girlies! LONESOME George’s new tipple now is a pint of Blackcurrant! It does not mean you are a bad person! IF I write something about Jimmy the Chalk and the ribald tale of his triples encounter where he had a single toucher, it will make him look more important and loved than he really is….so I won’t! HEY Father Eugene….stick to the preachin’ and leave the comedy to the comedians in the Club, of whom there are plenty……… apparently he has created a new bowling term called a “Trudy” which is a term for a bowl ‘through the gap’. It might be in your country in Ballymun or Finglas where people go to “de pub” or “de shops” but not here in Belfast laddie!! AND loosely connected…….Billy T, leave the nickname giving to me. Calling one of the new boys “Smokin’ Jim” gives the impression that he is good and has a certain “je ne sais quoi”. I am sure I will find a more suitable one in time….. WHO ordered a pint of Smithwicks and forgot to drink it? NOW this one is a doozie! Which occasional Midweek bowlist when he goes abroad, shows a photograph of his apartment to the taxi driver so that he will be able to find it. Listen laddie, Benelmadena is a big place and it is twelve miles away from the airport! How is this gonna freakin help. Bet you speak slowly and append the letter “o” at the end of words so that he will understand you. “Me wanto uno taxio pour favour mucho. Me from Northerno Irelando. Mucho goodo football teamo!” To which the driver replies, “Ah si! Royo Keano…mucho goodo! Chucky ar la!” AND the same bowlist also takes a photocopy of his passport just in case it gets lost or stolen. Good thinking matey. Just turn up at the check in desk, explain that your passport is missing but that you have a photocopy. She’ll whisk you straight through with a smile and a “No problem sir!” and direct you to the new aisle in Duty Free where you can pick up some bombs and Old Spice. FOR the neurotic amongst you. Father Eugene likes everybody….. but he does not like you. Why? WHICH Vets selector has not selected himself for the first three games and which other has not selected himself for the next two? Just sayin, that’s all! It can be done!!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN everybody!!!! I lied…….. no girlies, you cannot breathe easy!!!! The next chapter in the saga of the tablecloths is…….. learning how to adorn the aforesaid damask with freshly cut flowers from one’s garden. Thanks to my new snitch for the information!! Bravo Girlies! An oasis of quality in a desert of uncouthness! This could save us a fortune on Cemetery Sunday, Valentine’s Day and the like guys. No need for expensive wreaths and bouquets, Just wait ‘til the end of a Girlie game then slip into the Big Hall ( they probably call it the refectory ) and pick up ready made posies! No more Interflora, no more cheap garage flowers. Just quality stuff made by girlies who should be at home getting their husbands’ dinner ready! We could set up a sweat shop industry and use them to make money to fund the Jolly Boys’ Outing in August! Until next time Keep stroking the kitty I was taken to task recently by the husband of Mrs Maire Smyth about my apparent incorrect use of the term “ballon francais” to describe a drinking vessel and he quoted Ms Jancis Robinson Master of Wine to back him up. While he is correct in the sense that one use of the term is a football, it has indeed several meanings. A quick check of my favoured French Thesaurus, La Petite Larousse shows that it is a … “Verre à boire de forme sphérique. (On dit aussi verre ballon.)”. I trust this settles the matter and that further academic discourse will not be required.
EXCEPT for a PS… I think he has the “hots” for Ms Robinson who to my uncultured palate is an “ugh!” AND another one……I wonder does the good Ms Robinson MW knows the equally good Pat Butler MSc…….. both being second level graduates and all that! What a pair of Masters!! Quote of the week….from Marty Quinn. “Give me a skinny one downwind!” WELL not quite…. From Girlie Mary Evans… “I just pulled it and it came away in my hand!” CAN I remind my informants that I use information on a triage system. Material is prioritised so do not be offended if your “stuff” does not appear for a few weeks. FURTHER to the girlies’ training in laying tablecloths last week, I have been asked could the Midweek selectors not hold a seminar on the correct way to hold a HP Sauce bottle! Now I know a joke about a HP sauce bottle but probably best not to share here! WHICH Willowfield reject when measuring two bowls propped the flat one up with a piece of chalk and left the other one which was perched at an angle and wobbling like a Chivers Jelly alone! And he wonders why he was offloaded!! WHICH Midweek B player took time out at Larne this week to admire the legs of the tennis players. I would not mind but they were men…..does not make you a bad person – apparently! WHICH bowlist has the more perfect tan? “Love Boat” Butsie or “Sunbeds” McKinney. While the latter may have an all over one, Butsie’s is more confined to visible areas. Still I am assured by his current squeeze that he is like a roast chicken –the white bits are the best!!! Rumour has it that the sundeck speedos were more like a strip of dental floss! AND still on the subject of the Loudmeister, it has been said that it takes a real man to wear pink! I make no further comment, but his homecoming shirt would not have gone amiss on Larry Grayson! I popped in to the Club on Friday at 7.00pm to watch the big boys training for their home match on Saturday.. Must have gotten the wrong time!!!! The introduction of Ken the Kestrel has been deemed to be a success by the Head Groundsman. Yeah, if you count a bird free square radius of 20 cm under the flagpole a success, then jolly well done to the resident Bird Whisperer! Magpie 1: Cyril, what’s that hanging from the flagpole? Magpie 2: It’s a bird scarer Desmond! Magpie 1: Does it scare you mate? Magpie 2: Not me mate! Magpie 1: Where did it come from? Magpie 2: The idiot with the monkey hat put it up! Magpie 1: The one who throws free grass seed on the ground for us? Magpie 2: Him! Plonker! Magpie 1: I know who frightens me! Magpie 2: The loud one with the Masters degree? Magpie 1: Yip! Me too! Magpie 2: Plonker! Magpie 1: Fancy some Alfalfa seed? Freshly left out this morning! Magpie 2: Don’t mind if I do! Burp! LITTLE Stephie Murphy has “nothing special” planned for holidays this year. Oh so the jaunt to Rome does not count eh? LOVELY pastiche on the noticeboard sign in sheets. The Dutch Boy JP signed himself as “N/A” for last Wednesday’s game and clarified underneath that he was “ not able!” I do know JP that your English is way better than my Dutch which extends to Hoe veel which is “How much” and “Een Bier” - one beer, both of which are de rigeur in the Red Light District....apparently! APPARENTLY one of the Scissors is a granny for the first time. I thought at her age she would have been one already! Anyway…..Congrats! FOR the neurotic among you….. some are born with greatness, some achieve it. What happened to you? Don’t worry, your time will come…...probably! WHAT if we changed the name of the VETS team to the “SENIORS”, seeing we do not have a senior team by name anymore. Then we might get more of those who can, yet steadfastly refuse to play over 60s bowls. signing on……….just a thought! Playing for the SENIORS….sounds good eh? You could tell your non bowling mates. “Oh Yes! I am on the Senior Team! Competition for places is stiff!”What better way to put in a few hours of a Monday afternoon…..only eighteen holes, or is it ends – the Vets don’t care much. Step on the oche – or is it the mat – throw a few balls, wander round to the gents every so often, have a pill break. None of this “food after” and false bonhomie crap. At the end, in to the Jocks lounge just as the bar opens for a beverage of choice. Sounds like a plan….whaddya say eh? I am a selector, you scratch my back, I’ll get you on! Just leave your name and a pint behind the bar! J RUMOUR has it that the President’s outing in 2018 will be to India, cos that is where Mrs and Mr Maire Smyth want to move for the second phase of their retirement. Any bets that he will not have achieved his long term goal by then? Mumbai Maire and Samarjit Steve……… sounds good to me. Go easy on the Poppadoms folks!You know the Stiff One has delicate insides. It will make a pleasant change, however, from the same ole trips to that country which abuts our borders to the South and also those to the mainland! J CORRECTION……….I am reminded by Dan Cregan’s grandaughter that she in not six years old as I thought she was, but in fact twenty one. Furthermore she does not play with dolls and she suggests that I should go and play with my own. Now I had a witty reply to this but Dodgy Dan said it would be inappropriate so I will refrain from printing it here! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty SOMETIMES I have to dig deep to get the feature article for the blog, sometimes it jumps up and bites me in the bum and this is one such instance. Guess what the girlies were called in last Wednesday to do? Read a complicated head? Practise long jacks? Play on half settings? Nope! Try again mes amis! Practise how to lay a tablecloth for post girlie match foodfests!!!!!. I kid you not! In turn, each girlie was summoned to the master table and had to demonstrate her skills of extending the white damask over the top. Then they were instructed as to how to iron in the horizontal and vertical pleats then were asked to go home and do the smoothing! Next it will be how to place a telephone directory on one’s suitor’s lap when sitting on his knee at a dance, or how to use a fan to cover one’s bosom – cos that is what they were used for in case you did not know - at a society ball, or how to make the perfect crème brulee. I swear by all who were present in the stable at Bethlehem - plus the wee donkey – there are saner people locked up!
QUOTE of the week…. “And they said two Willowfield rejects would not improve our scores!” WELL not quite…… From John Cassidy to Moke at the A v B team rehearsals, “Give me a nice stiff one up the middle!” I kid you not! I was there! AND with a tidy segue…. who has no teeth and is not a Celtic Supporter? Ask Moke…he knows! HAS anyone noticed anything different in the Club recently? Take a walk around the pitch of a morning and listen. You can hear the nestlings chirping in the trees, the gentle breeze wafting through the conifers, the click of bowl on jack, the peal of the Angelus bell in St. Teresa’s, the beautiful noise of the traffic on the Falls Road. Yes! You guessed it! NO BUTSIE! Normal everyday sounds can again be heard as the loudmeister has taken to the seas again for one of his cruisefests. Enjoy it while it lasts folks, the cheapskate has done a McGarrity and has sloped off for just a week! And talking Sounds of Silence, with no bowling connection whatsoever, check out https://www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=disturbed+sound+of+silence+video A brilliant cover of the Paul Simon song! SO …..which ex President, Gestapo Officer and creator of the “Original Dander” left his bowling guddies behind him at the Club as he travelled from the ghetto to Malone BC? A phone call was made and Rab Gilbert duly turned up in his passion wagon with, not the shoes as one might have expected, but a pair of bowls………….with red stickers at that. The ex Pres had to borrow a pair of size elevens from a local member but I am told it did not enhance his game one little bit. In fact………….. DO you know what invective is? No? Ask Father Eugene. He does and apparently how to use it…..selectively and appropriately of course. Really Father! And you a man of the cloth! RUMOUR has it that the Head Groundsman wanted the flower beds removed and tarmacked over as well as the surrounds. Listen Laddie, we could tarmac the green too then you would be out of a job. It really is a nuisance when the hired help start having opinions. Just listen to the advice from Stephen Smyth about matters green and you’ll be OK! He knows it all…..or he is a know all or he knows feck all – one of the three! You choose! And…………you would be right! CONGRATULATIONS to the Vets for managing to stay awake for the evening challenge match on Tuesday! Bitterly cold guys but a good night. We will do it again! THE more eagle eyed of you will have noticed Ken the Kestrel hanging half mast from the redundant flagpole in a bid to scare off the magpies. This was a ploy by the Head Groundsman. It looks more like a wild west outlaw hanging from the gallows in Deadman’s Gulch! One of the rougher sorts said that the aforesaid Head Groundsman should be hanging from the aforesaid post instead. If he was left there for a week would he then be “well hung?” FREE public service…..NEVER EVER on the peril of your lives get into a car with Messrs Niblock, McKinney and Lowe. Endless old jokes from the Club to Glengormley and back creasing themselves up. It was all I could do not to drive in to the oncoming traffic to ease the pain. And BTW Billy, get over the speeding fine you got….it was two years ago! THE new boy Leckey apparently has quite an ascerbic tongue. Should fit in well with the Village Elders then! CONGRATULATIONS to Jimmy the “Crutch” for getting to sit at the big boys’ table. Bet you regaled them with daring tales. Ah well sure it was nice while it lasted! Billy T has been told he is too old to go on a stag weekend and that there would be something else organised for people like him at a later stage. Maybe Mr President should tell him something similar for the Jolly Boys Outing in August. For the neurotic amongst you…….you know no matter how many times you pat your pockets, your car keys will not be there don’t you! WHO arrived in the Club with his jammy top under his fleece? OK, before Mr Maire Smyth tells you….it was me! I had a stressful day at home and simply forget to change it. It was not a stripey thing like Freddie McCorry wears, it was a fetching bald eagle motif! Now get over it! OK? Did you all back the horse “Dodgy Dan?” I didn’t…just as well. And talking Dodgy Dan, if his granddaughter is offended by my justifiable comments about him…she should stick to playing with her dolls. If you can’t stand the heat luvvie, don’t go to Majorca! Further to Jon B Walton’s erection in the back garden – the hot tub that is – rumour has it that the neighbours have not opened their upstairs curtains since the installation for fear of seeing something unsavoury! YOU may have heard of the eight day underpants rule ….if not mail me privately for instructions…. but we have our own version in the Club, where Michael “Walk the Walk” Gannon abducted Brendan McCloskey’s jacket – for THREE weeks and did not notice the mismatch in size! Michael, get wifey to sew your name into the back —like mammy did at school! And put a big “L” and “R” on the soles of your shoes….that will also help! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty |
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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