JUST a reminder folks that this is a blog and not a column. We really need to see more active participation in the comments section and to this end…..
TALKING Vets which we do occasionally……I counted ELEVEN names on last week’s A and B team call sheet who are entitled to play for the Vets yet choose not to. Really Sad! Where is the Club commitment! Comments please! Now and to business…. A recent snippet from the IBA site…. “PLEASE also ensure your bowls have a valid World Bowls Stamp which should be 2016 or later”. Well done IBA for being not only up to date but impractically ahead of your time!!!! VERY disappointed with Club members last Wednesday. While Midweek B were playing Ballee in a ding dong battle out on the pitch, everyone was inside watching football. I would not mind if it was the National team but it was Italy and some other foreign crowd. Bad form all round! FORGET the Quiz, the Grab a Granny, the Sunday night songfest…. Get yourselves along to the OCD corner of a Friday night and watch Mr and Mrs McIlroy do amazing things with half pints and pints of beer! Yes indeedy, last Friday, within a space of ten minutes, the uncoordinated couple managed to offload the adult refreshment over the sage gathering in separate tricks. Candidates for “Britain’s Got Talent - eh!” Most of it ended up on the table in front of Gerry Lee who quickly got his beermat and shovelled it like a curling brush sweeper into his glass before the official mopping up squad arrived. AND talking Gerry Lee and pints. Which barman made him wait until the ads had finished before pouring him his discounted beverage during the Free State v Italy game! By all accounts he was not the happiest of campers! WHICH girlie by cudda won a wet T shirt competition in a Spanish nightclub after the roll up in Monsoon conditions last Sunday!!! AND for the neurotic among you…. you know that in a hotel room, they just rinse dirty cups under the tap………… don’t you! AND Mr P Butler…the more you give me shit about my long hair….the longer I will grow it! I am a writer you know, writers can do that! AND further on Pat Butler. Spare a thought for his goat which is causing him considerable pain. ( Freakin’ spellchecker – that should have been gout!) TWO selection panels fighting over John Patterson eh? Never thought he was that good! I know….neither did you! AND have you seen the saloon gate fell offa its hinges. The Groundsman said his screws were not right. Story of your life Petesie Boy! AND further Petesie Boy what were you doin’ in the bushes when the girlies were playing their game? AND………the more the head groundsman puts down seed, the more the birds will eat it and the more they eat it the more they will shite and you will be delighted to hear that one of them off loaded the contents of its gut in the middle of a Vets match on top of me....right on the head, the size of a fried egg!. Those around thought it was hilarious and the jokes and smart remarks were flying, especially from Karaoke Kerr and the aforesaid groundsman….. I am quite sure it will raise a small smirk here as well.....especially from the girlies. And as I say if you cannot “do” yourself in this blog, who can you do! WATCHING the four times aforesaid groundsman cutting the grass, I have a tip for him....water it with a mixture of whiskey and water and it will come up half cut. Bamtooosh! PLEASE do not call to Gary McWilliam’s house on Saturday cos he will be occupied. His missus wrote to the Head Selector of the A Team asking that he not be selected on that day as that is “special time”. Allez mon brave as they say in Albania - well those who are French and living there - do! I received yet another story about Mark Leckey. It will stay with me until we play our singles encounter.....and may or may not be released....get my drift Markey boy! I am occasionally quite hard on the girlie bowlers so I would like to clarify that sometimes it is better to be a girlie than a jock. THEIR locker room smells nicer. How I know this is none of your collective business! They have books for borrowing in their locker room. Again….. How I know this is none of your collective business! THEY have covers for their scorecards which means they are returned to their Captains in pristine condition. When I get mine returned from my bunch in the Vets, they are a crumpled mass, covered in chewing gum and God knows what else and they have been filled in with bookies pens and the occasional Argos pencil. THEY do not kick bowls out of the head but set them down neatly on bowling cloths which incidentally are not the beer (and other ) stained bar cloths that most of my cowboys use. THEY have nicer post match teas with tablecloths and flowers (see previous blogs) aaaaannnnddd they don’t belch or make bottom noises. If they accidently do they lift their little finger and say “Sorry ever so!” if it is a top noise! And “More tea Vicar!” if it is a noise from the other end. The Jocks have one phrase which covers everything “Get it out ye!” Sooo rude. THEY have coolers of water at the side of the pitch. Hope it is mineral water ladies with a finely balanced sulphate/phosphate ratio!!! APPARENTLY some of the rough sorts pretend they are going to the toilets when they in fact are shuffling in to the bar for a swift one. Some of the male bowlers apparently do the same thing!!! There is at least one who has an adult restorative tincture in a throat spray!!!! AS well as their locker room, they smell nicer than the Jocks now that we no longer (sadly) have Gerry Carson’s communal industrial strength HORN! aftershave!. BY playing their games in the afternoons, they teach their husbands, in a subtle way to cook for themselves. THEY kiss their opponents at the end of a game. BUT ladies…how can you make a game over four hours!!!! Til next time…………. Keep stroking the kitty
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we start, topical information is not filtering through as quickly as I would like. Remember all I need is the basic information – just a line - and I will put my own personal spin on it. It can be true, nearly true or something which should be true but is not. I am not fussy. I am currently seeking stuff on the present President and as always Dodgy Dan Cregan and Stevie Stiff. Anything on Perfect Pat Murphy would also be acceptable. And now to business…..
DO you know who the biggest collection of touts in the Club are? The B team, that's who. I walked in to the dressing room last week to put up a Vets' notice, and they were scramblin’ over one another to stitch their mates up. All except a certain someone who was doing warm up exercises in the corner by himself - well at least I think that is what they were. It started off with certain individuals leaving gear at home for the recent Dunbarton match but that was only small beer compared to the rest of the back stabbing. Soooo, the next four pieces are courtesy of them…… WHO was seen coming out of a SVDP charity shop with two large black bags? Uncle Jimmy McGetterick, that's who. Now either he had brought them in and was told that even they did not accept such low quality tat, or we was getting stuff for his Romanian tenants in his houses in East Belfast which he rents out to them at exorbitant prices! Either which way, two weeks on the blog in a row Jimmy boy...knew I would eventually get you! SPACE prevents me from giving the full details of the Sloan Rangers trip to Kilmainham Gaol but it involved Jim Brankin's selective bad leg and doing a runner from a bar having ordered a full round of adult refreshment without neither paying for it nor necking it. A credit to your Club boys!!! You really should not be let out alone! WHICH B team skip phoned his wife Geraldine to tell her he would be home soon as he had just ordered a taxi and was promptly told he already had the car with him. Again, you really should not be let out alone! WHICH rink got a “seven” then dropped an "eight" at Dunbarton? AND talking Pat Butler which we do occasionally……….his wife was able to tell me that on a stop off on his recent cruise, his lips got a tad dry (bless!) and he went to a cheap chemist and returned wearing bright pink lip balm. She let him walk round with it for a while before telling him. He had to replace it with stuff which cost €10. Just as well he did not return to the ship wearing it as by all accounts he was like a cross between, Hilda Ogden, Joan Collins and an Armenian transvestite and the jolly seafaring boys would have carved him up. Hello Sailor or bonjour matelot as they say in Armenia!! AND from last week, which ex Pres, who wooed his missus midweek with a £4.99 ASDA bottle of Cava, had to sit down at the following Saturday match cos his hips were sore! Try champagne next time laddie and your cork will really pop! JUST askin’…..are Physical Training (PT) shoes allowed on the green? I thought it had to be proper bowling shoes! DO you know what annoys me? When I get at people in this blog, and even though they read it, they don’t know they are being got at! WHICH Scissor Sister told me that - and I quote –“ her jugs would be in demand with the men later on in the summer”. Which other sister gave me a bar of naughty soap with bite marks on it? Got it from San Quentin did we? Which Mrs Magorrian phoned her son who was stag partying in Hamburg and reminded him to say his prayers at night? I suppose for a few Euro more, the poor girls with no clothes on in the Reeperbahn (Google it!) could have praised the Lord with him! HAVE just been told that the blog is read abroad. At least one person in a certain club in those twenty six counties which abut our Occupied Six is an avid fan. I know some of our friends in Scotland follow it but that does not count as it is part of Britain on the Mainland! AND for the neurotic among you, you know by the time you have read this the Longest Day will just be round the corner don’t you? So it is the run down in to the long winter nights then. But you will get through them. You will have plenty of other exciting things to fill your time with….probably! TO those girlies who insist on lining up the mat with the lane number then dragging it backwards to the precise spot from whence the kitty is to be delivered, like someone dragging a comatozed Jim McCormack outta the back lounge on Opening Day, what will happen if your skip tells you to bring it out and extra twenty feet! See if it is lined up then dearies! AND talking girlies……….. good to see that they now got their own section on the main web page. Any bets on how long it will take for the recipes to appear and also the notes from the seminars. It would be useful. I haven’t laid a good (ahem!) tablecloth in years!! Also Mr Maire Smyth appears under the heading of Bonus Ball. Way to go Stevie! SOMEBODY said Father Eugene said even the Clonard Novena could not save Brian Smith’s bowling on Saturday!! STOP PRESS…..Did you see Uncle Jimmy in the Club on Tuesday as he supported the Occupied Six Counties in their footie match? He was sporting a two tone green twin set probably plundered from the Charity Shop black bags which were meant for the Eastern Europeans! What a cad! He asked someone to cover his slot for the Friday night £50 draw. Probably goin back for late night opening where because of his small but perfectly formed frame he can avail of the stuff from the children’s section! Til next time Keep strokin’ the kitty WHICH Vets’ selector could not find the glasses which were actually…..on his nose!! Certainly not me nor Pat McClean!
EXCUSES for an errant bowl…..(a) “There’s a bit of moss there. It holds it up” – when it is four yards short (b) “There is a bald spot there” – when it ends up in the ditch (c) “The wind caught it” – when it draws too quickly. (d) “The new mower cuts unevenly, you really can’t judge the pace of the green. I blame the Greenkeeper” - when no two deliveries are the same. (e) “Sorry, that was crap”. Bet you do not hear the last one….ever!! APPARENTLY Peter McGarrity recently gave someone change out of a ten pound note for a single fare on his bus without raising his eyebrows, complaining or giving a lecture! He reached into his top pocket and produced a five pound note which he then handed to the gobsmacked passenger along with rest of the change…….. without saying a word. The passenger said: “I was fully expecting a brief but nasty lecture, or at least a huge, heaving sigh, but he just handed over the money without acting like it came out of his wages” .But McGarrity – who never really bothered studying for a Masters’ degree - said: “I was just in a reasonably good mood today. Normally I would have been an absolute knob.” He said his passengers were lucky they were not on the mainland in London, where you cannot pay with money, or abroad in Dublin where you have to have the exact change. He added: “I might go drive a bus in London or Dublin then. That way I can really be a tosser to people who simply want to exchange money for a bus journey.” GO on…treat yourselves…cut along down to Sainsburys of a Monday afternoon and watch Mr and Mrs Brian Smith trying to negotiate the self service checkout…pure theatre. ANYONE else noticed that Sue Murphy is a very aggressive bowler when you annoy her? WHAT’S better than a swift sweet sherry after a gruelling twenty one ends against foreign opposition in the Ladies PG pairs? A nice cup of tea that’s what!! Well done girlies….no surprise there then! IT is rumoured that Mr Maire Smyth does not like sex on the beach. Now we all know this the cocktail but do not let it prevent you from visualising Stevie’s bare buttocks as he does assisted press-ups in the dunes to the right of Bunbeg Strand the next time you see them together! Sorry Son of Stevie but if you read this column, you gotta expect stuff like this! You don’t think you were an Immaculate Conception do you! WHICH bowler likes playing away from home? IS it unfair to call the Selectors the Gasmen?? WHICH young bowlist does not need to practise, according to his rose tinted glasses wearing father! FOR the neurotic among you….. you know that when you get a decorative flower on your plate in a Chinese restaurant that it is not the first time it has been used …… don’t you! AND…. isn’t it about time that someone invented left handed bowls for left handed players instead of them trying to adapt to right handed ones………. Just sayin’ that’s all! It would make the Pipecleaner happy! AND talking sophistication from a few weeks back, if you have little to do of a Friday afternoon, pop along to the Club where occasionally you will be treated to a melange of oysters and faux caviar. Ex bowlist John Tierney thinks it is the pants. AND to those who do it - and you also know who you are – a reminder that the objective of the game of lawn bowls is not to see how many peoples’ hands you can shake before, during and after the game and reminisce about the great clash with Dunbarton in 1974 etc etc…..it is to win and win clinically! DAN Dan the sunscreen man!.. Listen laddie if you are gonna try to “borrow” some Factor 100 best not to ask my current squeeze…..she tells me everything! “WHEN I first started bowling, I could not bowl to save my life!” Listen dearie, I have news for you………… you still can’t! THERE are two things you do not lay claim to in a jocks’ locker room when it is full…….of touts. Either that you have a small todger or a big head! Which one did Peter McGarrity own up to???? WHICH voyeur who lives opposite the Kebab House can tell what Club members are buying and what sauce they prefer. Do you spy on other things too Danny Boy….and I do not mean silver backed gorillas in the mist! WHICH Midweek A player is forced to sit in the back lounge eating his fish supper on a table without a tablecloth or cut flowers. Come on girlies. Put your recently learned skills to use and make sure Paul McGeough is properly seen to! WHICH ex President literally throws his money away. Big Kev that’s who……bucked his wallet in the jocks’ locker room bin! WHO has the most nicknames in the Club? Jimmy “the Waterboy” Armstrong that’s who. Who were you trying to impress James son? I got the info while on a bus in Albania from a stoolie back home! For Chrissake Seamus a mhic..lose the Donegal tweed hat. I know you think it makes you look like John Wayne in “The Quiet Man” but really…have you looked in the mirror……stand on a chair and see yourself! AND talking twats in hats, The Silly Hat Award in this year’s In The Ditch Annual Awards will not be awarded as my current squeeze brought me one while in Greece and I would win it hands down! AND Michael Martin Moore be careful what you post on Facebook!!! I am giving you a freebie with one of your last postings and will not share it with the group! Til next time…….. Stop Press!!!!!! AND.....more on the ex President. I have been reliably informed by another ex Pres that the immediate past ex Pres did not stay for tea at a recent game played during the week as he had bought his missus a bottle of Cava and was going home to "give it to her"......every innuendo intended! WHICH ex Willowfield player still carries his old membership card? Listen laddie......we are not like Netflix where you can take out membership for a trial period to see if you like it or not! Dump the card matey! And which other ex Willowfield free transfer prefers Neil Young to playing for Falls? A good spell on the benches would stop that sort of thing!!! Until next time…. Now you can stroke the kitty For the older ones among you and let’s face it that is most, you will remember the film “Invasion of the Body Snatchers!” Well it has happened here. One of our own has been subsumed. John “Buster” Kerr, the man’s man, the hard one, the rock, has been snatched by the girlies. He was seen last week offering tea and scones to the visiting girlies under the direction of a senior girlie – not quite sure actually what she does but she is always around organising things. Hope the cream was clotted Johnnie boy and the jam was at least M and S Rhubarb and Ginger or Cottage Delight Scottish Raspberry. And do not worry about your sexuality. If this is the first part of coming out then we will fully support you. It does not mean you are a bad person!
CAN I appeal to my correspondents not to contact me during my afternoon nap! I was just about to scale the north face of Jennifer Anniston when I received the following gem. Some of you may know that the senior groundsman is a tad careful about his general health. Well, his son made the mistake of buying him a portable Blood Pressure machine which can be used ad hoc or as a twenty four hour monitor. Nothing was safe….after he had exhausted it on himself, he took to taking readings from the dog, the chairs, anything he could clamp the machine around. When he tried it on with his wife as she slept, she promptly hid the thing but he threw a strop so she had to give it back. Soooo…..please keep your distance from him in the Club or he will have you on the floor with your arm in the air measuring you systolics and diastolics. AND BTW Peter, your locker room indiscretion is deferred til next week!! AND for the neurotic among you….. how is your pressure? When did you have it last checked? It’s OK I am sure….probably….. but you can never be too sure…..and if you don’t know who the neurotic one in the group is………….then it’s you! And did you get an invite to the younger Magorrian twin’s wedding of the year? No? Not even the “evening reception?” It is probably not a snub….just an oversight – yes that what it is – an oversight…………probably! And do not worry, sure you can go to his next one! AND who has taken up surfboarding and care in the community driving in advance of the aforesaid nuptuals? Look kiddo, the third passenger probably would have given you petrol money! You will get eff all squared from your front seat passenger!! I am informed by the above correspondent that he was strolling up Fruithill Park, when he saw a camper van parked in a driveway close to Mrs and Mr Smyth. Maybe they are little friends they met on their road trip who are over for a bit of R and R. Christ…I will direct the movie…..”Campervan Swingers of West Belfast!” Instead of keys on the table it will be campervans in the middle of a certain supermarket carpark. And has Stevie “Stiff” got the perfect moniker to act in such a movie or what!! I know it does not apply to Falls but clubs should make sure there is no additional grass on the side of the green! WHICH sophisticated stalwart, senior bowler and another genuine all round nice guy is known to his extended family simply as “ wee Uncle Jimmy”. WHICH of all the teams in the Club is the toughest. Vets B that’s who! At the time of writing, THREE teams have refused to travel to us. Probably they already heard of “Mauler McCloskey” Marty “Nutter” Quinn, “Knuckles” Jordan and the rest. Well hard they are! YOUNG grandson Smyth knows a thing or two about bowls. On how not to be selected “Watch the match, tell them how badly they played then they will be a reserve!” Wonder where he got it from! AND with no connection hardly whatsoever…. SELECTORS… you know you can drop yourself……don’t you! Which is more important - getting a Club win or getting a run out for yourself as opposed to others who are better players!! WHICH John Cassidy got the time of the Midweek A team match wrong and arrived to find his team mates already gone and left the Club at a rate of knots to try to catch them. He pushed his car so hard that it broke down near Ards Shopping Centre. Did you think that the sub which had already been co opted in to your place would be summarily dismissed to let you back on Johnnie boy? IT is not too early to give me nominations for the Annual In The Ditch Awards. Private suggestions by email are also welcome to [email protected]. Discretion is assured. Already on the list - Deirdre Walsh, Dan Cregan, George Keatings and Pat Butler. SORRY Murph for thinking you were Pat McClean….from a distance! Sorry to you too Pat! WHO ate all the pies??? Michael Martin Moore – that’s who! At Ards….two dinners, two desserts and three chocolate biscuits. Sorry for the delay in posting but the original information was incorrect due to misinformation from a shoddy correspondent! Thought you had escaped didn’t ya! “YOU’RE nowhere near it!” says Gerry Lowe to his skip Marty Quinn when his bowl took off as if it had a mind of its own! Just what your wife says to you of a romantic evening….. eh Gerry Boy! AND which girlie was less than girlie like on the bleachers last week at the girlie Cup game! RESULT:- Club Flag 0-1 Moke ( after extra time). It was a tough encounter but Moke eventually won the day. Just make sure I am not watching the debacle next time! Okey Dokey Mokey!! GOOD to see Monsignor Barney Rubble DD, MD back on his feet again and holding court in the Jocks’ Lounge of a Sunday. Rumour has it that for his heart surgery he refused anaesthetic and opted for acupuncture so that he would be awake to tell the surgeon what to do and could give himself the last rites if God forbid he fell off his perch! DUE to lack of space, the story of the Russian Oligarch, the Cleric and the Chick will have to be left for another day! AS you read this, I will be sunning my racing snake body in Corfu. If you have any info for the next column, please send to [email protected] – otherwise you will be reading stuff which is precooked – although it does include some gems like the polite bus driver, bonking in the sand dunes at Bunbeg and multitasking girlies! Until next time…. Keep stroking the kitty |
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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