Warning: Contains material of an adult nature:
If you were in the Club last week you will have noticed the posters for a music and dance fest on September 25th featuring The Dead Handsomes and Carby. If you walked in this week the posters were amended to The Dead Handsomes and Cabaret!!! Neither the promoter nor the poster maker will accept responsibility for the error. Anyway, it is for charity and should be a good night as the featured act in the Carby – sorry Cabaret – will be the Magorrian Twins. My thanks to Harry “Three Stripes” for the following three gems…. Three weeks ago Caolan Parker was 18 for the first time. His dad brought him to the club for his first legal pint only to announce on arrival that he had neither cash nor bank card about his person. He then tapped his son for £50. Kept that one quiet didn’t ya Marty boy! Don’t forget to charge him the £3 for all the away matches you brought him to!!! And while we are at it……give him back his Communion money. In the changing room last Saturday Pat Butler said he was not available for the following Tuesday's game. Dan Cregan replied that it was about time his rink was strengthened!! . And did you know Butsie had two touchers on the same end at Downpatrick and he made everyone there aware of it. Pity about his last two bowls….. both 5 yards short. For the sporting ones amongst you, you will know that teams can use a “blood” substitute. A recent survey of the elder bowlists in the Club would suggest that we should have “urine” substitutes, judging by the number of players who toddle off to the toilets in mid game! Which occasional Midweek B bowler nearly did a Niall Walsh by setting his carpet on fire with an industrial cleaner. He and his beloved – we will call her Linda, cos that is her name – were sitting watching X Factor when they smelled what they thought was popcorn popping? No laddie, it was your stair carpet. Fair play tho’…….you replaced the incinerated part with one which nearly matches. A man on a galloping horse could not tell the difference except that there are no men nor galloping horses in Finaghy Road South! Maybe in the flats in Ballymun but not in South Belfast!!! Some ideas for making bowling more popular on television, include the following takes on existing programmes: Come Bowl With Me. Bowling with the Kardashians. Extreme Bowling. Criminal Bowling. But the piece de resistance has to be, Strictly Come Bowling. We could have myself and Vanessa Feltz paired in one of the singles – some shadows on the green there, with or without the lights. Jimmy “the Pipe Cleaner” Murtagh could mark the tie! In the four bowl pairs, Brendan Griffen and the Ardoyne Anointer might play the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Dali Lama! In the two bowl pairs we could have our own Gorgeous George Keatings and Paul McCarney against George Clooney and Johnny Depp . We would need extra mirrors and hair gel in the dressing room. Then in the Mixed Triples we would have Billy T Aiken-Grayson (BA Hons 2:2 ) with Alan Carr and Dale Winton! Settle boys! Which Greenmeister put the wrong locks on the wrong gates and had Brian “The Dander” Smith groping in his tool box for the bolt cutters? Which Freddie McCorry will be next seen mincing in to the Club with his jacket draped over his shoulders and a trace of Egyptian number 27 stage make up over his left eye to show people that he had been an extra in a movie!!! Mwah, Mwah, Luvvie! My thanks also to a certain wifey for telling me that her hubby John “Racing Snake” Kerr works out for three hours a day in the gym. He also wears sky blue lycra leggings and a luminous green sweatband on his head and a yellow one on his wrist. Now the last bit is not true but when you see him, bet you the image comes in to your head!!!!! Betya that’s the last time you’ll leave your beloved in my company while you swan off to play bowls Johnnie boy! But also………. not only did “Racing Snake” go to the gym. Apparently the Ballast Twins Brennan and Butler also went and the latter also had his own personal trainer!! Rumour has it that Jim Armstrong is penning a new version of the old Rugby song “Good Ship Venus”. He is calling it “The Good Ship Butsie”. Butler finds this extremely funny apparently. I have asked the erstwhile poet to include a rhyming stanza with the opening line, “The first mate’s name was Brankin…..” And you thought the Dan Cregan story about the lost phone could not be bettered???!!! Jim Copeland misplaced his keys last week and had the whole Club scurrying about looking for them in the toilets, locker room, kitchen etc etc….. Car keys, front door keys – the heap were gone. They phoned John Tierney to see if he had taken them, but he was in a rum induced coma and could not be woken. He could not even get the train home where he had a spare set cause his bride and hived off to Scotland or Blackpool or somewhere so there was no one there. The aforementioned Dan offered to put him up for the night for a mere £25 excluding breakfast. This only made Copey go more grey! Before the police were summoned, the keys were eventually found nestling as you will have guessed in Jimmy boy’s coat pocket!! His brown one, not the blue one. He has two you see which he carries with him at the same time!!! Some people should not be let out alone!!!! J I have a note in my little book about “Oranges and the aforementioned Dan Cregan” but cannot for the life of me remember what it was about. Ah well……. Which cross dresser wore his wife’s whites in the Vets Four Bowl Pairs Final as he could not find his own?? Eamon Logue – that’s who! Sometime in April I messaged the Hon Sec and asked him for the date of the Club Finals. He replied with the date and appended that I was a tad presumptuous. Well Mr Hon Sec….. as it happens I was not presumptuous as me and my mate Danny Boy Cregan won the Vets Four Bowl Pairs. And so to the awards……….. The Gerry Adams Irish Language Award/An Damhachtain Ghaelige Gearoid Mac Adaim: Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN (thanks for the help with the translation Seán Óg a chara! ) Dutchman Of The Year: Peter “Sports Direct” Thompson. Runner Up – The Guy With The Funny Name Who Plays In The Midweek B Team. Most Astonishing Transformation On A Presidential Trip: Garvan Mitchell Best Performance At A Bar Mitzvah: Rabbi Jackovitch Collinski Most Innovative Use of Colgate And Vaseline For Something Other Than A Sexual Activity: Sixty six year old Joe Rea The Award For Most Opposition to The In The Ditch Column: Some of the Girlies The Award For Most Consistent Setting Of The Mat During A Game And In Rehearsals: All the Girlies Rowdiest Post Match Carousing Award: Some of the Girlies The Julian Clary Pass Remarkable Award: Jim “the Pipe Cleaner” Murtagh. Runners Up, Some of the Girlies. The Donald Trump Perma Tan Award: Danny McKinney The Donald Trump Sincerity Award: Danny McKinney The Donald Trump Moneybags Award: Danny McKinney Best Dressed Morning Bowler: Dapper Dominic O’Neill for his simmit and braces ensemble The Award For Bowler Most Likely To….Marty Quinn The Imelda Marcos Award For Most Shoes taken Away On A Presidential Trip: Jim McCormack The Vanessa Feltz Award For Biggest Suitcase Brought On The Presidential Trip: Jim McCormack (Note to winner: Jim Laddie, if you deflated the blow up dolls before you packed the case, you could bring a smaller one!) The Humphrey Bogart Award For Most Repeated Use Of Positive Encouragement From A Skip: Monsignor Brendan Griffin for his endearing use of phrases such as “Play it again Sam!” “Whatever length you like!” “Another yard would do ye!” And it’s a toucher!” The Roger McCaul Award For Prettiest Bowler: Jointly Awarded to Jimbo Magorrian and Paul McCarney. Keep moisturing guys……..just like your dads! Book Keeper of the Year: Alan Brown for his fastidious account keeping in his little red book of the amount he and his beloved spent on their annual holiday in Spain. Accounts can be traced back three years and yearly differentials are noted and those who overspend - viz Linda - are reprimanded. Honourable Mention: Billy T Aiken-Grayson BA Hons (2:2). The Award For Those Who Thought They Were Getting An Award But Didn’t: Jim “No Nickname” Armstrong The Father Eugene Award For The Person Who Has Never “Knifed” Another Bowlist Behind That Bowlist’s Back: Father Eugene. Runner Up:- Jim McGetterick The Award For Shortest Time Carrying A Man Bag: Gerry Lee Shortest Captain’s Speech: Rabbi Jackovitch Collinski The Kray Twins Award: The Scissor Sisters The Bland Award ( for never having been mentioned in a blog - ever ):- “Interesting” Joe “The Skip” Ferguson The Dan Cregan Whingeing Award: Dan Cregan Best Tout: Paddy “C’mere til I tell Ye” Butler; Runner Up William T Aiken-Grayson BA (Hons 2:2). Runner Up: Special Commendation: Harry “Three Stripes” Sergeant The Tom Kennedy Memorial Award For Blagging Most Free Dinners at Girlie Matches: Jointly awarded to John Tierney and Sean McAvoy. Honourable Mention Gentleman Jim Copeland Lazarus Award: Jointly Sean McAvoy and James Copeland for comebacks on the bowling pitch The Pat Butler Award For Most Decibels Used At Any One Time: Tommy Spence Hamburgeristas of the Year….Chefs Gerry “Man at C&A” Lee, Tommy “The Voice” Spence and Brian “The Original Dander” Smith Honorary Award: Club Chaplain – All Denominations: Brendan Griffin. Runner Up , Fr Eugene – Catholics only. Bloggers Of The Year: Those who took the time to get involved in responding to the blog! Thick Skin Of The Year: Billy T Aiken-Grayson BA Hons (2:2). Special Commendation: All those others whom I have lampooned and took it in the spirit in which it was intended. Lifetime Achievement Award: Most Spectacular Exit From A Bowling Green, Home or Away: Chris Forsyth RIP. Hope you are bowlin’ with Niall and Gerry up there – fondly remembered all of you – and sadly missed! L Until next year………… The Blogmeister has left the building.
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The penultimate blog of the year…….
Who is going to polish Alan Brown’s Stroke Rail!!!!??? Who is in the process of learning a song for the Vets’ dinner in case he is asked to sing?? Who said of one of the Girlies……… “She must have been a fine looking woman in her time”??? And who was the fine looking woman??? Who arrived at Falls BC from Mossley BC to play an away game only to find that the game was actually at Mossley……Brendan Rice’s cousin that’s who! Who spent the morning rolling up on each lane in turn in advance of a singles tie, then promptly lost the tie……our resident horticultural engineer – that’s who! Which current bowlists are known as the “Penthouse Poppets”? Which drinker of pink cider allegedly played a game last weekend nursing a massive hangover? And…………which drinker of pink cider is attending the Oktoberfest in Belfast this year. You know it’s the one where there is lotsa beer, knee slapping, carousing and leatherwear!!! Perhaps he could stand in the background and do a Morris dance with his wrist as limp as Larry Grayson – the real one not our one!!!! Should Jimmy “the Sharpener’s” handle be changed to “Pass Remarkable”. An ex president would think so!!! Which of the Scissor Sisters cannot talk if her hands are tied behind her back! It is said that John Tierney makes his own dinner of an evening when he gets home from the Club. Listen laddie, the only thing you make when you get home in the way of eating, is a phone call to the local Chinese!!!! As the blogger “Top Half” has been outed as “ Billy T Aiken - Grayson I now have Dizzi Rascal narrowed down to two……one male , one female – one not a bowler, the other a bowler!! New consignment of dummies needed apparently! Four pieces which did not make earlier columns due to lack of space………. Who dropped some DVDs for the “discerning gentleman” through his mate’s door only to find that the aforesaid mate actually lived one door up!! Who did not turn up at the appointed time for his dinner and was forced to eat crisp sarnies while his dog burped and farted a lot!! Which senior bowler was spotted sitting uncomfortably outside the womens’ changing room in the lingerie section in M and S Which host served up a homemade beef consommé to his guests at his sophisticated dinner party who were more than suspect that it was Bovril with bits of Andytown Meats mince in it. Shudda bucked in some sherry lad. That wudda fooled them! It works for me! ……….I have been told to say nothing about the new mats and jacks locker……….so I won’t! Pat Butler is married twenty three years this week folks – only seems like …well twenty three years ago. And talking Butlers……….the happy couple were invited on to their old cruise ship by their travel company as it parked in Belfast Dock, for a liquid lunch. As it was free, Butsie readily availed of the opportunity of a gratis nosebag and a multitude of recreational beverages and ended up buying his next year’s holiday at the end of it. Got a good deal apparently……….course you did laddie!!! OK you do have a balcony and there is no such thing as a free nosebag! Dan Cregan……seeing I carried you in the semi final of the four bowls pairs (Vets) how about spending some of the fifty quid you won on the horses and which you kept to your self!!! As you have no doubt heard, mine is a large one!!! OK so you dropped nine shots to Billy T Aiken-Grayson and were distraught. Get over it McGarrity although in fairness he would be hard pushed to get a similar score against your mum! J Peter “Sports Direct” Thompson is retiring again at the age of sixty eight. He is being passed into the care of Age Concern or the Community, whoever will take him first! One more year Petesey Babeee and it could have been a sixty nine for you! Apparently Brian Smith is stepping down as a selector. You will be either missed or replaced Brian! Annual In The Ditch Award Deferred to Next Week! Still time to get nominations in to [email protected]….anonymity assured!!! Keep the chalk wet……..If it wouldn't be too much trouble.... Don’t know if I mentioned this already……….but why is it only the Big Boys and their wee brothers who are allowed to wear whites. What about Vets whom I play for and Midweek? Second class citizens??
I thought it was frowned upon for a girlie to mark a male tie? I have been informed that this shabby practice is still going on……and at high levels too! Shame!!!! I mentioned in last week’s column that I would not be referring to Danny “the Selector” Cregan any more. I lied! I have it on good authority that the whole of the Enterprise train from Dublin plus the Tyrone Senior football team was on its hands and knees looking for his lost phone which was safely nestling in his top pocket. And………while his fellow diners on his Riverdance jaunt necked plates of haute cuisine in a French restaurant washed down with very acceptable clarets before boarding the aforesaid train, the Frugalmeister had ‘champignons sur des toasts’ – mushrooms on toast to you - and I quote “ a glass of plain tap water – none of that fancy expensive sparkling stuff!!” Hope the bread was brown Danny. You are a true gourmande………and a tight one at that!!! Oh yes! He had some steak as well apparently! And talking canny diners…..Mal Mulligan and his bride dine frequently of an afternoon in the STREAT in the Kennedy Centre. Piri Piri Chicken is his dish of choice. He has necked so much that he now has a loyalty card and avails regularly of the free refills of coffee. He points out that the all day breakfast is to be avoided at all costs!!! Good customer alert Mal! Aaaannnd…….the Frugalmeister was miffed that his grandson, something in the theatre as I mentioned before, did not get him a box. He told me that he could not have gotten everyone a box! I am quite sure that if your little group knew there was a spare box going, they would have clubbed together to get one for you to get some relief from the incessant whingeing!! J My beloved gives off to me for constantly lampooning the frugal one saying, “It’s nice to be nice to the nice”. She’ll learn!!! Who pays his TV licence six months after the due date? Alan Brown, that’s who. What a rebel!! Bet he takes his cornflakes without milk too eh??? I know a story about him and his bus pass which I will share at the bar! And apropos of nothing………it is a general rule that skips should be of a higher quality than their front end, that they should encourage them, that they should take pre match advice regarding opponents’ weaknesses and also take advice on what hand to play during a game. Just sayin’………. For information, Jimmy “The Enforcer” not only has resumed his bowling but his collection of savings. Congratulations to Billy T Grayson who shut the door on Butsie in their recent head to head. He hopes it will now get him a run in the B Team. Listen laddie, you would have more chance getting a run in the Girlies’ Holy Bus! And yet another one for the neurotics amongst you…….Do you know that sign that the Greenmeister puts down when he has sprayed fertiliser which says “Wash Your Hands”? You know the stuff is poisonous don’t you so I hope you did indeed wash them and that you didn’t lick your fingers before delivering you bowls. What? You can’t really remember but you think you didn’t wash and you did lick. Oh well, if nothing has happened to you by now you are ok…………. Probably. Just a thought…..if golfists can have caddies, why not bowlists? They could polish the tools of the trade before the game, hand them to you at the oche before you deliver, tell you the best line to take, run up the pitch after you when you needlessly chase the jack up to the head and it sails past into the ditch as I saw one of our skips do in a recent game………….could be a winner! And to the certain arrogant SOB who avowed he would reach the semis of a certain singles competition after he had seen the running order……a Bart Simpson “heh heh!!” to you!!!! Which Michael Gannon BEd will be sewing on his own sequins for Strictly Come Hoofing in the Whitla Hall, Queens University later this year? Word on the street is that Mother Teresa was a better mud wrestler than he is a dancer!!! And talking dancing, which barman is a self confessed line dancing addict?!!? And just to remind you that a certain gardener– remember he used to keep chickens in his back garden but a fox got one and he choked the other - grows an abundance of strawberries which he sells to discerning fruit lovers. But unfortunately, he can’t get rid of his cherries no matter how he tries! Please help Liam Trainor BA (Hons 2:2) out by putting pound coins in the £50 draw pint glass the night he does the collection rather than the loose shrapnel which some undesirables do!! As he has to count it and it is a slow process, it does not please him. I’m only sayin’ that’s all! Which bowler is affectionately referred to by my daughter as “Sunbeds”? Apparently he has more money than God according to one of the girlies! And remember that the ditch is for errant bowls thrown by bowlists who cannot judge distance, not for fag ends!!! Almost time so get your nominations in for the annual “In The Ditch Awards” which will be announced next week. Already I have the following ……Rabbi Jackovitch Collinski, Sixty Six Year Old Joe Rea, Danny McKinney, Alan Brown, Billy T Aiken-Grayson BA (Hons 2:2), Joe “The Skip” Ferguson, Father Eugene. And another one for the neurotic amongst you…………do you know that when the selectors get together, they talk about you………….yes you, nobody else except you and it’s probably not very good……….but don’t let it worry you…………much!!!! And you thought I was finished with Danny Boy….I was sat sitting watching his Midweek A team play when three spectators ran in almost simultaneously to report that he had said, on giving advice to one of his team mates………. “Play whatever hand you like, unless you change your mind!” Priceless Dan! And another quote purported to be from Jimmy “ the Sharpener”….. “The best Midweek B rink is the four reserves!” Keep the chalk wet! Maureen McMullan, if you cannot tell the sex of a jelly baby, I have the very man to show you!
If you want to know how many days to Christmas – TO THE NEAREST FREAKIN’ SECOND ask the Greenmeister. He has an app…..ask him to show it to you in the presence of John “The Dulcemeister”Tierney and watch what happens!!! And talking Greenmeisters…. which Greenmeister was somewhat scathing of the alleged age of fifty year old Paul McGeough??? And when told he had a twin, replied “Who?” I have been asked to pose the question “Who started divinely and finished divinely in the PG “Junior” Cup match recently?” Playing against Mossley early in the week, I noticed that their ladies were out rehearsing with long jacks, short jacks, mats in, mats out, playing to a strategically constructed head etc. Maybe you should think about it ladies. Not the men of course…oh no…. not at all…….no not in very deed L “You can stuff your friendlies with the Scots next year. I won’t play!”………a post Glasgow vitriolic dummy spit from someone who was not invited! Listen laddie, if you were not invited on this trip….it is unlikely that you will be asked to play in the friendlies either and if I was President, I would not have invited you either!! And talking dentists from last week………Who has to have a specialist dentist to work on his teeth? Stevie the Stiff that’s who! No ordinary BDS will do! Apparently he has a condition which warrants it! Who arrived on the pitch at Ballymena in his simmit and without bowls? Gary Mc Williams that’s who! Pat Butler avowed to Gary that he would not mention this to me. He lied! Thanks Pat! And well done Gary on winning the first bag off the carousel sweepstake on the Glasgow trip…..you deserved it with your infectious sense of humour which pervaded the whole weekend!!! Rab’s new love nest is available for visitors any time except when he is actually on the nest!! And Carlos son…….when you plant two on the jack, the sporting thing to say to outside opposition is either “That was lucky!” or “Sorry ‘bout that” NOT “ Take that ya *******!! Even Presidents are not exempt from getting done. Kevin “Bootlegger” Brennan BSc ……. for the graduates among you, note the alliteration with the consecutive use of the “B” consonant …….. is in the process of making sloe gin with juniper berries. And how do I know this? Cos he bored the collective arses offa his drinking buddies two Sundays ago going through the process bit by bit from maceration through to distillation. He makes elderflower wine as well and according to his present squeeze “it is not offensive after three large glasses” which means that you are more likely to get wasted drinking Ribena! What entrepreneurship, what endeavour, what a cheapskate!!! OK men bowlers…hands up………. who has not changed or washed his shirt since the start of the season!!!! I know at least one and it is not me!! Driver Alert Number One: …..Brilliant comment by Danny McKinney on Rabbi Jack’s driving….. “When he drives we all close our eyes - just like he does!” Driver Alert Number Two:….. Avoid hitching a ride to games with Eamon Logue. By all accounts his road skills are akin to my bowling skills…………yip that bad! Driver Alert Number Thee……..old quote from Eddie McNally as he sped on to a roundabout ignoring the give way to right law………. “I was there first!” Driver Alert Number Four……..do not give Alan Brown a lift to a match unless you make sure he winds the window up completely after he has let it down to let some air in. A sizeable volume of two buckets loads of water made its way in as I washed the car. He does however make a mean roasted pepper and tomato soup……….and you thought he was just a bowler with a pretty face!! It is well known that the Club has a stable of artists and their work was rightly lauded at an exhibition almost two years ago. It is a lesser well known fact that there are a number of penmen/women who have been experimenting with creative writing either in classes or behind the confines of their own four walls. It is proposed to establish a Falls Writing Group who would initially meet for 6-8 weeks of collective teaching and sharing and perhaps hold a presentation night of readings at the end with any proceeds going to Club funds. If interested simply mail [email protected] and we will see if and how we can proceed. And for those of you new to the blog who play front end bowls – including the neurotics - dig out the archives from a few years back to get some informative guidelines and exhortations from skips and what they really mean when they say. A short sample follows:- “Just carrying a few!”…………...Crap! “Just put a few on!”……………..Crap “Good try!”……………………...Crap! “The line was great!”……………Crap! “You know what you need”……..A Different Game Son!!!!!! And another one for the neurotics amongst you…………how many of you have entered every single competition and have been dumped out at the first round in every one? Ah ha….thought so! Remember Quentin Crisp’s old saying….. “If at first you don’t succeed – failure may be your style!” Some more musings from the “Mild Bunch” trip to Glasgow. Firstly the performance enhancing drugs were gone five minutes after the surgery opened in the OCD corner on Thursday. And who had the full Ulster before they left home and had another one in George Best Airport two hours afterwards??? As I pulled into the car park for the trip, I noticed a small group of brown skinned gentlemen scurrying to and fro. On closer observation, these were deemed to be Sherpas waiting to load Jim McCormack’s luggage on to the Coach! Keep the chalk wet…….. Now this may appear on Sunday circa 8.00 pm as normal or Monday morning depending on how much pink cider Sean Boy Walton has consumed in the Club. As I write he was giving it a good seeing to so there may be some delay…………
(editor's note: I was well behaved and the copy was posted before the 8pm deadline!) Anyway this week’s column offers a selection from the Mild Bunch’s trip to Glasow. As there was a certain exclusivity to the trip, not everything that was recorded has been included – it will appear elsewhere ……………. Anyway, as we tried to leave the Club to affect ingress to one of the private coaches to take us to the airport, for which we paid an extra £32, we were subjected to a cascade of water from the ongoing leak from the Club roof top. Any chance guys?? I was glad to see the younger McCloskey had changed his salmon pink socks from the previous night’s semi final where apparently Dan Cregan played out of his epidermis!! Really sorry you lost boys and by one shot…………..ouch! At least you had the travelling support of some of the girlies in the open invitation bus. It is rather unfortunate that the sweet singing of the nursery rhymes perfected at the Ballymun hiatus was drowned out by ribald choruses of “The Good Ship Venus!” As usual Commandant Brian Smith’s oration was succinct and to the point. Nice to see Rabbi Collinski is adding to his congregation in the shape of Patrovitch Lilliski! And so to the trip. As usual, a mixture of bonhomie, too much drink and out of tune singing pervaded. It is hoped that when the Girlies do their own trip which is proposed next year to Lough Dearg or Knock or somewhere similar there will be much more civility. I have been reliably informed by Stevie Murphy that when he is President, it will be a cruise, no bowls, no women – just beer. Like your style Stevie. Which ex Secretary had an extra five minutes in bed before the bus left, keeping everybody late???? Allez mon brave!!!! At the airport, Michael McCarney again showed elements of his other side as he sidled up to a pretty boy and commented on his tan! Michael…..cross over son – you have our full support! The check in staff were perplexed when myself MA, MEd etc etc etc etc, Pat Butler MSc, Brendan McCloskey, Tommy Spence all checked in together. There were rumblings of putting on another plane!! After security, which bowlist told me he was going to the Perfumery to get some aftershave, then went to the free samples, had a few squirts then returned smelling like a Turkish brothel? Stevie Murphy………….congratulations for winning the parade of the man bags! Thanks to Jimmy the Crutch for doing the £50 draw while we were necking beer at £2.20 a pint and whiskeys at £2.00 a double………….a Crackerjack pen and pencil is yours! How many people left gear behind at Rankin Park and how many others had costume malfunctions???……….and to Jim McCormack and Martin Parker who swapped playing shirt and fleece with opponents for almost feck all………. Well next time think about it when you are sober! Who got done at the airport on the return for trying to slip through security with a cylinder of oxygen, and a smartwatch? Rice and Given…that’s who! Quote of the weekend. “I am the original dander!”………….who said it? Who went to the chocolate factory to get some more supplies to cover himself so that he could recommence eating himself? Who shared a romantic meal for two in a sophisticated Italian restaurant? Who stumbled up Sauchiehall Street after midnight spilling most of a fish supper down himself……Billy Connolly would have been sooooooo proud. Which assistant cleric blessed Messrs Garvin and Sean cos they needed to feel the power of Jesus? Room boy Required ( Readvertisement) The position for Room Boy for the next Presidential trip has become vacant due to the last one being not up to standard. My demands are not high…..a large whiskey presented in my hand my already drawn bath with herbal infusions at 7.20 am with two cubes of ice. If it is one or three cubes it will be returned! A reading of two chapters from George Orwell’s 1984 as I retire for the night followed by a selection from desert island discs. Other services to be discussed!! I have been told that Larry Grayson is alive and well and living the body of a certain Committee member!! And BTW the shower rail came tumbling down on Larry G’s head as he scrubbed himself on the last morning of the trip! You must have been exfoliating yourself with extra rubs Larry! As I bent down to deliver a bowl in Rankin Park, a smell of mothballs wafted across my nose….it was the good Jim Copeland stripping off for the first time in a coon’s age to use a non pc term to take Club colours and the pitch at the same time. Welcome back Jim. He celebrated his return with a few glasses of vino afterwards! And talking Copelands….who lost a fiver by incorrectly betting that James could not finish the monster brekkie in Lauder’s Pub! Guess who Garvan’s fav beat group of all time is????????? Squeeze!!! You need to get out more ladie!! The Dan Cregan Sunday Supplement Yet again I have to correct some errors in my reporting. I forgot to add in last week’s column that the eponymous Dan Cregan was given two apple tarts before the Mixed Triples food fest. I also have it on good authority that the delightful Alice Hanna furnished him with a home baked rhubarb tart later in the week which made him – how can I put this delicately – rather mobile. Well, it will do that Danny boy if you horse it in to you all in one go! And further……he broke a filling on a caramel so where does he go? To his own personal orthodontist/hygienist? Never a bit. The parsimonious pragmatist went to the dental school to the apprentice dentists who by all accounts “give better service”. Yip! And they are also free! Annnnddddd………..At the Mixed Triples the only thing he did not eat was the cheese as it makes him a little peculiar! So he took extra biscuits instead…….and was still nibbling on them almost a week later on the road trip to Ballymena! Bet he brought some more with him to Dublin where he went to see Riverdance with his wrinkly ramblers. Even though his nephew is something in the theatre, he was unable to procure house seats for Daniel who is not best pleased! At least you got free on the train Daniel! And who cannot tell the difference between male and female toilets….eh? Yet again I refer ALL readers to the sidebar on this site which gives the rationale behind the column and disclaims the Club from any content. It is a bit of light hearted fun. If you are offended please talk to me!! Keep the chalk wet!! |
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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