Apologies, but the saga of the Girlies and their trip abroad to that country which abuts the borders of our wee nation state deserves more column inches!!
Even though they did not want ruffians on their tripette , they plus their “invited guests”, were referred to as ruffians themselves when they tried to spend 5 cent in McDonald’s and were shunned and had to go and try to pee elsewhere. The story of their plight made its way to the wee social which was taking place in the Club at the very same time where it was greeted by more than a few other Girlies with high fist pumps and comments of “Voodoo Dolls really do work!” Our second in command cleric referred to something about the power of prayer!!!! The Holy Bus eventually pulled in to a lay by where they all sang Nursery Rhymes, fuelled by the Russian Wine which they had managed to procure. They said the Clonard Novena while they waited for the relief forces and as it was in the environs of the Ballymun Housing Development, they posted sober sentries at the doors of the bus to prevent rough sorts entering and giving them a good seeing to. Now far be it from me to spread gossip but (i) Which Vets Bowler has an attitude problem when it comes to speeding. Listen Billy, you committed the crime now do the time……or at least pay the fine and go to anger management classes…. and talking anger management…. (ii) which occasional bowler has been banned from using Gransha Taxis??????? I was not at the Girlie – Jocks Match but I believe a cloud hangs over the rink belonging to the Monsignor and the Singing Postman as they went down quicker than Monica Lewinsky did on Bill Clinton!!! The blog is at last a true interactive blog……twenty nine responses at the time of writing to last week’s column. Over the past few years it tended just to be one way. Thanks to one and all for their witty retorts. And to point out again, the nom de plumes are kept secret by the Webmeister. I only know those who have exposed themselves to me openly or whom I have guessed Soon we’ll have a full team of graduates as The Stiff One, Harry “Three Stripes” and Micheal Martin Moore have been outted by my top reporter Paddy Butler!! Which bowler when marking a singles tie calls everything either a “foot short” or a “foot through”!!!! And to JP…..was it a nice surprise for you when your bride turned up in Portugal with a bevy of female beauties for your son’s stag do!!!! Well done to Martin Parker who did not spill the beans in advance. Who, when he arrived at the club with polished, face in blazer, shirt and tie, was told by the cleaners that he looked like a little boy making his First Communion? Freddie McCorry, that’s who! Who threw a strop in M and S when the £10 meal deal with wine cost him £14.30 because he replaced the custard tarts which he does not like with chocolate éclairs which does like but which were not part of the offer. Next time laddie, eat your tart. And on bowls and kitty, which girlie exhorted the big black one to “lie nice now” against the little white one!!!!!! Not the first time I have heard it! Which Girlie is a self confessed “Rock Chick”??????? Keep on smokin’ honey!! Who is the slowest person in the Club? Is it “Gentleman” Jim McCormack whose legs seem to move in permanent slow motion or is it the small but perfectly compact Fr Eugene who arrives without his legs actually moving at all as if he is on wheels!!! An outsider for the title is Jim “The Enforcer” Copeland who creeps up with his little notebook looking for ready cash! As me and my teamies cut through the opposition in the first round of the Triples I asked my beloved who was watching, which bit she liked most. The reply was “When the rains came down and you had to go inside!” FFS! To a very self important Girlie…….I am sure it was because you were not wearing your contacts, but when someone, in this case two separate people at two different times and one of them is me, bids you “good day”, please return the salutation and not just ‘walk on by’ as Dionne Warwick used to do. And also, can you please pay attention to the white lines which define parking spaces in the Club and those which mean that one must give way while pulling out of a side street, especially the one in Grangeville Gardens on Finaghy Road North where you nearly creamed me. Just sayin’ that’s all. Two little snippets from the close season. Whose house was in darkness at 7.45 of a January evening apart from a single light in the master bedroom upstairs? Playing games other than bowling eh Mr and Mrs? And….which ex Secretary, husband of Mrs Maire Smyth and good friend of the aforesaid Mrs and Mr, was dragged out of his bed in the middle of the night a little while back to get the bin out even though his missus was wide awake but could not be arsed getting up to remove the aforesaid bin herself??? Hope you covered up laddie as I have it on very good authority that you like to sleep commando!! Mr Ex President, while your fellow bowlists appreciate you are known for your “hard man” dander, dragging a Girlie bowl bag trolley behind you to a game does not quite cut it……I have been told! And this will hurt a little bit….what is the difference between the A and B teams and a black taxi????? Keep the chalk wet!
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Some points which need to be restated at the outset……..
1:-Just a reminder before you start reading that everything is tongue in cheek satire and should be appreciated as such!!!! 2:- The column occasionally has adult content 3:- Dan Cregan’s grandaughter…..you really should not be reading this column at your age! Another one for the neurotic amongst you. Have you ever been asked to play in any PG competition with any fellow bowler or indeed in the in house triples? No? When you go out on to the pitch for a roll up and ask to join someone do they say, “I’m just finishing!” Ah well! There’s always the Mixed Triples………..put down your name and you’ll get a game maybe with two girlies if you are lucky!! Although, if it is oversubscribed some people end up on the subs list. So put your name down first, then you’ll be ok……………..probably! And it’s not you I am writing about – honestly!!! Further on the Front End - Rear End debate………. Result:- Opposition 27 Falls 5 (remember FIVE! ) Mrs Lead: How did it go tonight love? Mr Lead: Christ, first time all season I was crap…. only got two shots on the jack all night. I want to go and stick my head in the oven and die. Mrs Lead: It’s an electric oven pet! Lead: OK I’ll go and hang myself in the loft Mrs Lead: We live in a bungalow pet! Mr. Lead: Story of my night. That’s me dropped for the rest of the year!! Mrs Lead: That’s nice dear! I’m off out with the girlies………..don’t wait up! Mrs Second: How did it go tonight pet? Mr Second: I’ve had better games love. Lead was shite and I only got three of the shots. Mrs Second: Never mind pet. Leave out your gear for the wash. At least you’ll look good for the next game if nothing else. Mr Second: Can I have my hot milk please? Mrs Second: Of course you can……and a digestive biscuit as well! I’ll put on Sexcetera on the TV for you. I’m off to bed! Mrs Third: How did it go tonight wibbly dibbly? Mr Third: Not too bad. Front end were awful. Think I need to work on my backhand though. Mrs Third: Sit down pet and I’ll pour you a large Pimms with ice Mr Third: Only one cube…if it’s two I’ll send it back! Mrs Third: You know I always do it the way you like it. . Mrs Skip: Well my rutting bull, did you kick ass tonight? Mr Skip: Front end were crap. Third wasn’t much better. I played the same as last week. Mrs Skip: You are wasting your time in that Club darling. They don’t appreciate you. Nobody likes you except your best mate Mr Selector. Let’s go to bed and play bouncy castles! You are the best skip in the world! Mr. Skip: Tell me again how good I am Sugarpants! PS….the above characters are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental……..’course it is!! The People You Meet At Sainsburys!!......and btw NOT Gerry Lee nor Sean Mullan - as this piece was written before I met them cruising the aisles….(i) Which President forgot his bags at the checkout and tried to force his daughter to run down to the car for them. I didn’t think a young lady knew words like that. I ended up giving him one of mine. (ii) Which regular bowling shopper was spotted barging his way past the cripples and OAPs in an effort to get to the reduced shelf - twice?? I didn’t think he/she knew what Lamb Tikka Pakoras were!! (iii) Love it when you meet an ex bowler and you remember his name but he does not remember yours and he spends the next twenty minutes in the aisles trying to avoid you as you start every forced meeting with his name!! Ha Ha! Which Midweek B team player had marked off “Going Direct” to the Belfast game then phoned up one of his cronies to see if he wanted a lift but he would have to stop off at the Club first to pick up his bowls!!!! They walk amongst us!!!! Further on Tommy Spence, the “Digital Kid”, which two bowlers measuring up, again being without a high tech stringy thingy, used a joiner’s measure to find that one ball was 24 ½ inches away from the kitty and the other ball was 25 inches!! And more on the Girlie’s trip to that country which abuts the borders of our wee six counties……….apparently supporters were in fact allowed but only the right sort. I wonder who that might have been. It’s like banning rough England away supporters from games! Betya Joe “The Skip” Ferguson, Dannys Brennan and McKinney and Eamon Logue would have been allowed to go!!! And no smart remarks please about their busette breaking down. I will simply pass on one from a VIP bowler… “The wheels on the bus don’t go round round round” ….la la la - or should that be ha ha ha !! And further on the subject of Danny Boy Cregan……..good call getting two free litres of milk instead of pensioner’s discount on your Cemetery Sunday Wreath. You are a freakin star!! He must bathe in the stuff and when he went to buy some more only two days later, he found he had not the means to complete the transaction. Shudda brought one of the wreaths back in part exchange Dan!! Paul Montgomery…………if you are gonna wear a silly Aussie hat, green in colour and with all the swingy bits, make sure I am not watching you from the comfort of the Players Lounge. And to one of your rink in the Triples……..you KNOW in advance when the game is being played so no excuse for decking yourself out in various shades of beige!! What have the Greenmeister and last year’s A Team got in common. A no win situation that’s what!!!! When told by Paddy Butler – he wants to be known as Paddy now to appeal to the cool cats – that if he didn’t do his weeding he would appear in the Blog. Sooooo………..he did the weeding it and he doesn’t! OH wait….he does! And guess how much he is putting behind the bar for the upcoming nuptials of his daughter??? Even fifty of me could not drink that amount in two days Peetsie!! Keep the chalk wet……….. Random Irritations: those who sign up for Club competitions then find it impossible to agree a date. Sundays are default tie days. Clear your “heavy social diaries” or simply do not enter competitions!!!!!
Too late to make last week’s column but eloquently described by Pancho Villa in the Comments section…….Danny Boy Cregan and Rab “Rutter” Gilbert were spotted having a romantic meal together in the Temple. You would think that Danny Boy would have picked up the tab with his recent windfall in the Club but no! In the true style of his parsimonious nature, I can inform you that Rab was forced to pay as Danny Boy hived off to the toilet for twenty minutes when the bill arrived. My informant tells me that a substantial tip of seventy pennies in old money was left on the table on their egress, so one can only suppose that it came from the Communion fund of the aforesaid Danny. And some more on Danny. His exploits are almost taking up as much space in this column as his oversized bowling bag did in the back of my car when I used to play for Midweek A! It is said, not rumoured but said, as it came directly from his mouth to one of my top reporter’s ears…….he would prefer to waken up in the morning with his bowels moving than to find a forty year old chick in bed with him. Hope they don’t move before you get up Danny Boy! Apparently Mrs Michael McCarney fell down the stairs and broke herself after standing on a ball!!! Now Michael, I know I am gifted in that area as the Monday afternoon Girlies can testify to but that is truly spectacular. You are my hero! Who made a mess of cutting his own hair this week with the Charles Atlas Super Trimmer and had to make a nightime visit to a backstreet barber to have the tonsorial trauma reversed with a number one all over? Who, in his usual morning roll up, set four woods right on the jack and sat down and waited around for someone to come along so as they could be seen? Pleased to state that my first defence of the Vets Singles Runner Up award – 2013 and 2014 - was successful having come through the preliminary round with some gusto! Receiving this rather late but………..You will have heard of five fingers of whiskey as a measure. In the absence of the high tech measure more commonly associated with our game, which Midweek B Captain measured the distance from bowl to jack with his fingers and which opposition Third let him get away with it? And on to the Girlies who have gotten off lightly recently…………why are men not allowed to “mark” a Girlie match?? Do you think we would come over all peculiar and try to ravage you?? I think not. You are perfectly safe ladies. We would rather tackle Pat Butler quicker!!! J And further on the Girlies. So no supporters are allowed at your away match in Eire. Your loss Girlies. If you had gotten a bigger bus you could have been supported with beer filled shouts of “Come on you Girleeeeeeeees!” on the pitch, Brendan Rice might have streaked across it then you could have been serenaded by Gerry Lee on the way home with various others being sick and having toilet stops every twenty minutes…. And btw you can’t stop us supporting you at home. “Whey hayyyyyyyyyyyyy! Come on you Girlies! Burp!” While the top Jocks come out to practise on the green….. occasionally, sometimes - well I think I saw one last Tuesday - the Girlies come out to rehearse and check that their bowling apparel is coordinated and comment on each others shoes. And while the Jocks have “makes” of bowls, the Girlies have “brands”. And why are the Girlies not allowed to take their own cars to away matches. Is it something to do with insurance while carrying petrol paying passengers or is it that they would all end up in different locations………like a contingent of Vets did once upon a time?? A drabble is a short literary work of exactly one hundred words not counting the title. I offer the following from Winter Training in the Shaw’s Bridge covered and heated facility in a mixed fours match…… Conversations at Opposite Ends of the Green “Paul, you’re going about it the wrong way. You need to align your body at more of an angle, pick a spot about four feet in front of you and release the bowl on the follow through. It’s the fluid motion that does the trick!” “Deirdre, you’re going about it the wrong way. Wipe out the mixing bowl and add the strawberry ice cream. Beat for five minutes to soften a little then spoon over the vanilla. Level with a spatula and freeze for one hour, or until firm. It’s the amount of time of beating that does the trick.” Go on count them………you know you want to!!!! Which Girlie was spied coming out of Fegans apothecary with a box of Clairol “Natural Brown”? Do you think that’s wise dearie………..after the last time?? Which Girlie apart from John Given was spotted trying to be trendy, sipping coloured water from those new jam jar type glasses in the Kings Head???? Remember to get your copy in on time folks…….I received some stuff from one of my top men on Saturday morning just as I was untying my boxing gloves before getting out of bed and had to restructure the whole column!! In next week’s column, Sugarpants and the Bouncy Castle, the Bowler and the Custard Tart……….and much more……. Keep the chalk wet………………. Michael Moore recently asked for some coaching for his up and coming bowlist son. Marty Quinn, amongst others offered his services but made it clear that while other coaches in the first lesson paid close attention to placing of mat, etiquette, jack delivery etc he would in fact dive straight in at the deep end and show the cub how to chase the delivered bowl up the green like an epileptic Lone Ranger on Silver shouting “Go on ya girl ye!” He also pointed out that after a few lessons, Moore Junior would develop his own style of lunging up the green and his own exhortation to get the bowl up to the kitty!
Things were a little chilly in the Parker household last Sunday as Parker Senior demolished Parker Junior 21-8 in the singles. Listen Marty son, it was a no win situation. If you had let him win, the bride would have given you grief for not letting him stand on his own two feet. But as you beat him, you still got grief. Hope you got your Sunday Roast served up as normal and not flung at you from the kitchen!!!! I could write a full column on Danny Boy Cregan this week but I will keep it short. If you play a tight bowl is it “as tight as Dan Cregan?” Which Dan Cregan wished the Vets “God Speed” as they left for Forth River and reminded them to give it their all as they were representing Divis!!???? Rumour has it that he has booked a place on the Girlies Road Trip to the country which abounds the borders of our own wee country to see if he can “touch for some spare”. Rumour has it also that he couldn’t get a date out of a palm tree or a body in a graveyard. And when he phoned Lonely Hearts they said they were not that lonely!! And it galls me to say it but the aforesaid Danny Boy won the £50 draw when I was in charge of it last Friday. Well done Daniel. He has graciously offered to buy his Midweek Team players a pint after next Wednesday’s clash. Pity I am not playing but very generous anyway Dan. And BTW Alan Brown will not be going on the Dublin trip as he has already been abroad this year!! If you are fluent in Ulster Scots, you will know that to “dook” - pronounced “duke” means to duck in and out of sight will trying to observe something. Which Little and Large combo were the subject of dooking from someone hiding in the fold beside the White Fort??? If the Jocks are rained off in a game, they will probably toddle off to the players’ lounge for some social beverages. If the Girlies are rained off they go to the Girlies Locker Room and learn the skills of bowling as demonstrated on a whiteboard. What style, what dedication, what……………… I am informed that someone who had just returned from Croatia or somewhere similar wore her sunglasses on her head in the brightest of sunlight to show off the tan on her face in her recent Girlie game. And further on the Girlies…..nice to see the selectors drop themselves occasionally….know what I’m saying?????? Historical but accurate I am assured. Which Midweek B Captain polished off the away team sarnies then legged it back to the Club to finish off the remainder of the Midweek A sarnies as well? OK, the away team sarnies had no crusts so maybe it was justified!! Surprised there were any left in the Club as Liam Laughran was playing at home!! And talking Midweek Bowls, which Captain and jobbing Rabbi was circumvented, or was it circumcised, for last Wednesday’s tie with Ulster Transport!!!??!!! At least as Captain of the aforesaid team last year, I was not gassed until the following year J Memo to Gerry Lee. If your broadband is not working, Brian Smith knows diddly squat about it so do not phone him when he is munching on his Eggs Benedict and Bucks Fizz of a morning and ask to speak with a technician!!! Freddie McCorry, not happy enough with his attention seeking upper bowel problems, left his whites behind at Belmont in another attempt to get recognition. Yes Freddie, we all know…..now leave it alone!!!! And which resident sharpener of pencils left his gear behind for a recent match and played with a club wet/cold top over his simmit?? It’ll be knotted hankies and braces next! Sincere apologies to Pat Murphy for suggesting he was rabbiting on about the price of Peroni in Glasgow. I am reliably informed that it was in fact Billy T Aiken…£6.60 for a 660 ml serving. I can assure you that I will NOT be paying that when I am in Lake Garda at the end of the month for the first anniversary of my beloved’s unpleasantness! A cheeky little Bardolino will be more suited to my sophisticated palate as I watch the sun set over the eponymous Lake while dipping various breads in a selection of locally produced olive oils before my anti pasta. What’s that I hear you think? Pretentious prick? Moi? Jamais! J While some of our bowlists are smokin’ on the green with regards to performance, apparently some of our girlies are not……….with regards to smoking!!!!! It could only happen in the Vets. A certain Vets B team bowler in Greenisland last week having forgotten his wet gear, played the whole match in the most inclement weather in a see through poncho. I was originally and erroneously told by Pat Butler that it was a child’s buggy rain protector!!! Soooooooo I will share the following with you……which Pat Butler thought he was playing ten pin bowling and hurled his bowl into the side gulley while attempting to connect with the kitty??? I have been told to get another dig in at Peter McGarrity. I don’t know why………..but I will find something!!! A source close to next year’s President has revealed the whereabouts of his carefully selected 2016 trip. Previous trips have been to Dublin, London, Cardiff, Edinburgh and this year’s is planned for Glasgow. I am happy to reveal that the destination is in fact ……….Divis. The handpicked representative team will assemble at the Club for a few pre tour sherbets, then they will be transported by black taxi to the Divis Stadium for a convivial game. As no alcohol is consumed on the City Council premises, no siree Robert, no way Denis, afterwards they will repair to the Gravediggers Arms for some big boys lemonade before returning home before their wives will even have missed them, Good call Mr Incumbent President!! “Kneecaps” Copeland will start collecting the money in easy stages as soon as the Glasgow trip is finished. Keep the chalk wet…….. |
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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