SOMETIMES I have to dig deep to get the feature article for the blog, sometimes it jumps up and bites me in the bum and this is one such instance. Guess what the girlies were called in last Wednesday to do? Read a complicated head? Practise long jacks? Play on half settings? Nope! Try again mes amis! Practise how to lay a tablecloth for post girlie match foodfests!!!!!. I kid you not! In turn, each girlie was summoned to the master table and had to demonstrate her skills of extending the white damask over the top. Then they were instructed as to how to iron in the horizontal and vertical pleats then were asked to go home and do the smoothing! Next it will be how to place a telephone directory on one’s suitor’s lap when sitting on his knee at a dance, or how to use a fan to cover one’s bosom – cos that is what they were used for in case you did not know - at a society ball, or how to make the perfect crème brulee. I swear by all who were present in the stable at Bethlehem - plus the wee donkey – there are saner people locked up!
QUOTE of the week…. “And they said two Willowfield rejects would not improve our scores!” WELL not quite…… From John Cassidy to Moke at the A v B team rehearsals, “Give me a nice stiff one up the middle!” I kid you not! I was there! AND with a tidy segue…. who has no teeth and is not a Celtic Supporter? Ask Moke…he knows! HAS anyone noticed anything different in the Club recently? Take a walk around the pitch of a morning and listen. You can hear the nestlings chirping in the trees, the gentle breeze wafting through the conifers, the click of bowl on jack, the peal of the Angelus bell in St. Teresa’s, the beautiful noise of the traffic on the Falls Road. Yes! You guessed it! NO BUTSIE! Normal everyday sounds can again be heard as the loudmeister has taken to the seas again for one of his cruisefests. Enjoy it while it lasts folks, the cheapskate has done a McGarrity and has sloped off for just a week! And talking Sounds of Silence, with no bowling connection whatsoever, check out https://www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=disturbed+sound+of+silence+video A brilliant cover of the Paul Simon song! SO …..which ex President, Gestapo Officer and creator of the “Original Dander” left his bowling guddies behind him at the Club as he travelled from the ghetto to Malone BC? A phone call was made and Rab Gilbert duly turned up in his passion wagon with, not the shoes as one might have expected, but a pair of bowls………….with red stickers at that. The ex Pres had to borrow a pair of size elevens from a local member but I am told it did not enhance his game one little bit. In fact………….. DO you know what invective is? No? Ask Father Eugene. He does and apparently how to use it…..selectively and appropriately of course. Really Father! And you a man of the cloth! RUMOUR has it that the Head Groundsman wanted the flower beds removed and tarmacked over as well as the surrounds. Listen Laddie, we could tarmac the green too then you would be out of a job. It really is a nuisance when the hired help start having opinions. Just listen to the advice from Stephen Smyth about matters green and you’ll be OK! He knows it all…..or he is a know all or he knows feck all – one of the three! You choose! And…………you would be right! CONGRATULATIONS to the Vets for managing to stay awake for the evening challenge match on Tuesday! Bitterly cold guys but a good night. We will do it again! THE more eagle eyed of you will have noticed Ken the Kestrel hanging half mast from the redundant flagpole in a bid to scare off the magpies. This was a ploy by the Head Groundsman. It looks more like a wild west outlaw hanging from the gallows in Deadman’s Gulch! One of the rougher sorts said that the aforesaid Head Groundsman should be hanging from the aforesaid post instead. If he was left there for a week would he then be “well hung?” FREE public service…..NEVER EVER on the peril of your lives get into a car with Messrs Niblock, McKinney and Lowe. Endless old jokes from the Club to Glengormley and back creasing themselves up. It was all I could do not to drive in to the oncoming traffic to ease the pain. And BTW Billy, get over the speeding fine you got….it was two years ago! THE new boy Leckey apparently has quite an ascerbic tongue. Should fit in well with the Village Elders then! CONGRATULATIONS to Jimmy the “Crutch” for getting to sit at the big boys’ table. Bet you regaled them with daring tales. Ah well sure it was nice while it lasted! Billy T has been told he is too old to go on a stag weekend and that there would be something else organised for people like him at a later stage. Maybe Mr President should tell him something similar for the Jolly Boys Outing in August. For the neurotic amongst you…….you know no matter how many times you pat your pockets, your car keys will not be there don’t you! WHO arrived in the Club with his jammy top under his fleece? OK, before Mr Maire Smyth tells you….it was me! I had a stressful day at home and simply forget to change it. It was not a stripey thing like Freddie McCorry wears, it was a fetching bald eagle motif! Now get over it! OK? Did you all back the horse “Dodgy Dan?” I didn’t…just as well. And talking Dodgy Dan, if his granddaughter is offended by my justifiable comments about him…she should stick to playing with her dolls. If you can’t stand the heat luvvie, don’t go to Majorca! Further to Jon B Walton’s erection in the back garden – the hot tub that is – rumour has it that the neighbours have not opened their upstairs curtains since the installation for fear of seeing something unsavoury! YOU may have heard of the eight day underpants rule ….if not mail me privately for instructions…. but we have our own version in the Club, where Michael “Walk the Walk” Gannon abducted Brendan McCloskey’s jacket – for THREE weeks and did not notice the mismatch in size! Michael, get wifey to sew your name into the back —like mammy did at school! And put a big “L” and “R” on the soles of your shoes….that will also help! Til next time Keep stroking the kitty
1 Comment
Sean Og (aka Jon B Walton)
2/5/2016 01:11:18 pm
For the record, if our neighbours ask nicely, we can close the roof to ensure we don't offend :)
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Author
I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
|