Some points which need to be restated at the outset……..
1:-Just a reminder before you start reading that everything is tongue in cheek satire and should be appreciated as such!!!! 2:- The column occasionally has adult content 3:- Dan Cregan’s grandaughter…..you really should not be reading this column at your age! Another one for the neurotic amongst you. Have you ever been asked to play in any PG competition with any fellow bowler or indeed in the in house triples? No? When you go out on to the pitch for a roll up and ask to join someone do they say, “I’m just finishing!” Ah well! There’s always the Mixed Triples………..put down your name and you’ll get a game maybe with two girlies if you are lucky!! Although, if it is oversubscribed some people end up on the subs list. So put your name down first, then you’ll be ok……………..probably! And it’s not you I am writing about – honestly!!! Further on the Front End - Rear End debate………. Result:- Opposition 27 Falls 5 (remember FIVE! ) Mrs Lead: How did it go tonight love? Mr Lead: Christ, first time all season I was crap…. only got two shots on the jack all night. I want to go and stick my head in the oven and die. Mrs Lead: It’s an electric oven pet! Lead: OK I’ll go and hang myself in the loft Mrs Lead: We live in a bungalow pet! Mr. Lead: Story of my night. That’s me dropped for the rest of the year!! Mrs Lead: That’s nice dear! I’m off out with the girlies………..don’t wait up! Mrs Second: How did it go tonight pet? Mr Second: I’ve had better games love. Lead was shite and I only got three of the shots. Mrs Second: Never mind pet. Leave out your gear for the wash. At least you’ll look good for the next game if nothing else. Mr Second: Can I have my hot milk please? Mrs Second: Of course you can……and a digestive biscuit as well! I’ll put on Sexcetera on the TV for you. I’m off to bed! Mrs Third: How did it go tonight wibbly dibbly? Mr Third: Not too bad. Front end were awful. Think I need to work on my backhand though. Mrs Third: Sit down pet and I’ll pour you a large Pimms with ice Mr Third: Only one cube…if it’s two I’ll send it back! Mrs Third: You know I always do it the way you like it. . Mrs Skip: Well my rutting bull, did you kick ass tonight? Mr Skip: Front end were crap. Third wasn’t much better. I played the same as last week. Mrs Skip: You are wasting your time in that Club darling. They don’t appreciate you. Nobody likes you except your best mate Mr Selector. Let’s go to bed and play bouncy castles! You are the best skip in the world! Mr. Skip: Tell me again how good I am Sugarpants! PS….the above characters are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental……..’course it is!! The People You Meet At Sainsburys!!......and btw NOT Gerry Lee nor Sean Mullan - as this piece was written before I met them cruising the aisles….(i) Which President forgot his bags at the checkout and tried to force his daughter to run down to the car for them. I didn’t think a young lady knew words like that. I ended up giving him one of mine. (ii) Which regular bowling shopper was spotted barging his way past the cripples and OAPs in an effort to get to the reduced shelf - twice?? I didn’t think he/she knew what Lamb Tikka Pakoras were!! (iii) Love it when you meet an ex bowler and you remember his name but he does not remember yours and he spends the next twenty minutes in the aisles trying to avoid you as you start every forced meeting with his name!! Ha Ha! Which Midweek B team player had marked off “Going Direct” to the Belfast game then phoned up one of his cronies to see if he wanted a lift but he would have to stop off at the Club first to pick up his bowls!!!! They walk amongst us!!!! Further on Tommy Spence, the “Digital Kid”, which two bowlers measuring up, again being without a high tech stringy thingy, used a joiner’s measure to find that one ball was 24 ½ inches away from the kitty and the other ball was 25 inches!! And more on the Girlie’s trip to that country which abuts the borders of our wee six counties……….apparently supporters were in fact allowed but only the right sort. I wonder who that might have been. It’s like banning rough England away supporters from games! Betya Joe “The Skip” Ferguson, Dannys Brennan and McKinney and Eamon Logue would have been allowed to go!!! And no smart remarks please about their busette breaking down. I will simply pass on one from a VIP bowler… “The wheels on the bus don’t go round round round” ….la la la - or should that be ha ha ha !! And further on the subject of Danny Boy Cregan……..good call getting two free litres of milk instead of pensioner’s discount on your Cemetery Sunday Wreath. You are a freakin star!! He must bathe in the stuff and when he went to buy some more only two days later, he found he had not the means to complete the transaction. Shudda brought one of the wreaths back in part exchange Dan!! Paul Montgomery…………if you are gonna wear a silly Aussie hat, green in colour and with all the swingy bits, make sure I am not watching you from the comfort of the Players Lounge. And to one of your rink in the Triples……..you KNOW in advance when the game is being played so no excuse for decking yourself out in various shades of beige!! What have the Greenmeister and last year’s A Team got in common. A no win situation that’s what!!!! When told by Paddy Butler – he wants to be known as Paddy now to appeal to the cool cats – that if he didn’t do his weeding he would appear in the Blog. Sooooo………..he did the weeding it and he doesn’t! OH wait….he does! And guess how much he is putting behind the bar for the upcoming nuptials of his daughter??? Even fifty of me could not drink that amount in two days Peetsie!! Keep the chalk wet………..
30 Comments
Lord of the Rinks
21/6/2015 06:29:00 am
The wheels on the bus didn't go round and round for four and a half hours. The ladies sat on the bus the whole time. Yes they did send out for Russian wine to pass the time. Were they 'not allowed' to get off? Apparently there was a pub just around the corner! Had the boys been in the same predicament I think they would have adjourned to the pub after giving the driver instructions to collect them at the appropriate time.
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Billy T
21/6/2015 09:00:26 am
ETA 01:15!
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Dear Lord and William T
21/6/2015 12:34:33 pm
I could write a whole column on Falls Ladies Day Out...........and will!! :0)
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magnum p.i.
22/6/2015 02:20:02 am
Top marks for the Front End - Rear End debate meister...hilarious. And on the same subject to my puzzle of the week.......after a recent home game i endeavoured to avail of some big boys lemonade but was curtalied by a line of skips also wishing to contribute to the Club's coffers. There were 2 skips in front of a skip, 2 skips behind a skip, and a skip in the middle......how many skips were there?
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22/6/2015 02:42:13 am
Magnum P.I. - its as well you're retired from private investigations as I recon another possible answer is 3.
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Back End Bowler
22/6/2015 02:27:15 am
Since when did bowls become a democracy? Throw the jack. Mark the card. Play the bad hand. And be prepared to be dropped whenever the rink gets beat. It's simple. This type of talk leads to mutiny or worse socialism! We cant put up with this loose talk so please desist, and know your place. Get back on the wheel in the lab.
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Blogmeister
22/6/2015 02:45:50 am
Dear Back End.........nice to see you preaching what you practice!!!!! I'll tell you what. I'll put together a front end from Midweek A and B and take your best rear enders from dedicated Midweek A on - one pound of the British Realm a man, total proceeds to charity.
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Dizzi Rascal
22/6/2015 03:14:11 am
Mr Blogmeister,
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Blogmeister
22/6/2015 04:46:34 am
Dizzi......for us to organise your idea - I would need to know your identity! The Webmeister has not released any nom de plumes to me! I know some from last year but most are incognito!
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Dizzi Rascal
22/6/2015 04:56:14 am
Nice try Blogmeister, like many a school report of mine............... you must try harder ;-)
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Dizzi Rascal
22/6/2015 05:05:45 am
I must apologise for my tardiness Blogmeister, 23/6/2015 08:32:18 am
Sorry Blogmeister, to ensure the integrity and 'entertainment' value all will remain anonymous. I am still working myself at unmasking a few individuals who's entries are being placed from all over the globe according to my 'ip digest'!
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Back End Bowler
22/6/2015 04:55:46 am
Och! might have prodded a bit hard with the Wavin pipe there.
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Blogmeister
22/6/2015 10:05:24 am
Dizzi the girlie pink bag contained a rather splendid single Malt which has already been given a solid thrashing partly by number two son who gave it to me
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Dizzi Rascal
22/6/2015 10:31:40 am
Usual story then Blogmeister, we buy them a present & it's all for them. But yet when they do the same they must get their fair share & then some!
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Blogmeister
22/6/2015 12:10:52 pm
Ah ha Dizzi.......one step closer to unmasking you.......as a dissafected son of a medium ranked bowler?
Good Ol Daze
22/6/2015 01:18:07 pm
This blogging does cheer up my servants. It is great to read how the common people interact and I say, grammar and everything. Well done chaps.
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Dizzi Rascal
23/6/2015 01:32:15 am
Ah Blogmeister, I can see you now with your piece of parchment scoring off names like a game of primeval guess who. But fortunately for me, on this occasion, I get to live another day!
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Blogmeister
24/6/2015 01:55:53 am
Dear Daze
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Dizzi Rascal
24/6/2015 05:19:27 am
Was it a scene from 'Mutiny on the Buses', 'Summer Holiday' or 'Speed' ???
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Blogmeister
24/6/2015 09:37:11 am
My son runs a cyber celebrity death bus which runs headlong over a cliff with people like Vanessa Feltz, Jeremy Clarkson etc etc. Maybe we could have our own version. You have to be nominated and seconded to get a place. I just did Anthea Turner
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Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN
24/6/2015 09:45:24 am
and how was it for you Blogmeister ...................
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Blogmeister
24/6/2015 01:09:06 pm
Sean a mhic..............she was very fussy...........not to my liking!!! Perhaps you haver a little fondness for her?????
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Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN
25/6/2015 03:09:12 am
No thanks, Blogmeister you can keep her - or put her on the bus as I will second your nomination.
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Blogmeister
26/6/2015 02:00:23 am
Brand is already there and Moira Stewart and Terry Wogan!!
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Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN
26/6/2015 02:09:09 am
Hey, hey, hey how many more 'double dinged' and ran on the back door? When I checked last it was only Anthea 10 husbands Turner on our bus alongwith Brand.
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Blogmeister
26/6/2015 04:54:25 am
The full list is unknown as I only started to nominate last year but my son leads me to believe that it is now a bendy bus to cope with all the wankers who have been suggested. I claimed "droit du papa" and nominated Jeremy Clarkson as driver and Jools Holland as piano player!! Fathers can do that sort of thing!
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Good Ol Daze
27/6/2015 03:33:01 am
For those who believe one writes one's responses oneself, let one explain. One dictates to my servant and he types. One dictates, he does. A lot like the Skips and "the rest" hierarchy that is achieved in the club. They are the masters, therefore dictate. "The rest" are the servants therefore "do". If one observes the hierarchy of the club, one must congratulate the club on following the decent Royalist and Nobility stance that is so lacking in our Society. The ladies, for example, use the Royalist hierarchy where there is one Queen, head of the state and "The rest" are mere subjects. The gentlemen, on the other hand, prefer Nobility. There is one man, who obviously owns the mansion, who leaves the running of the house to certain Heads. "The rest" are mere servants to the Heads of the house and of course the Lord and Owner. And that's the way it should be.... One recommends changing the name of the club to The Royal Falls Bowling Club to promote our status. Until the next time....Tallyho.
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Dear Good Ol
27/6/2015 06:09:00 am
Are you smoking that strange stuff again!!!!???
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Lord of the Rinks
28/6/2015 05:16:51 am
Dear "Good Ol" you'll be wanting us to hang portraits of heads of states next! I thought we already had one in the back room.
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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