CAN I remind my sources once again, that the Copy Desk closes on a Friday night to enable me get my stuff to the Distribution Manager Jon Given. This can be somewhat of a difficult logistical exercise as the guy is usually stewed by 9.00pm and has the follow up shakes on Saturday morning so presuming he does not succumb to the pink stuff after the game later on, I can be reasonably sure that the column will go live on Sunday.
APPROS of this, last Sunday I was having a leisurely breakfast of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs with Civet Coffee ( Google it!) and Rankin’s Wheaten Bread when my chief tout Patrick Butler MSc (not forgetting the commendation ) interrupted my Mahler’s Third Symphony to tell me that at the aforementioned match against Ballymena last week, Peter McGarrity would not eat the beans as they were not Heinz. Sauce too runny was it petal? Not the right texture precious? I hope any Ballymena Boys reading this will know what to do the next time Picky Peter arrives for prandials in your Club. I know what I would do! What a prissy poppet. I hope your bride cooks your duchesse potatoes the way your mammy used to do with just the right amount of chopped chives sprinkled though not on top cos if they are sprinkled on top I know you will not eat them! Perhaps that is why I see you popping in to Mumsie’s house on a regular basis. “Mammy, no one makes cupcakes the way you do it! Can I bring some home with me. I will keep them in my shed at the Club along with my nudie books!” Funny ….another ex President, the one who had the extra sausages, positively hovered up the offending haricots!!! And BTW….when he was spotted lurking around St. George’s Food Market last week it was not foot long frankfurters with sauerkraut he was looking for, but stuffed olives. Oooooh!!!! Suits you sir! More on Pete’s food preferences next week! THANKS are due to Mrs Joe Dolan, in the absence of Mrs Stevie “Torticollis” Smyth, for her deportment and etiquette advice to Billy T in advance of Friday’s wedding of the year. Our own version of Hyacinth Bucket eh? Perhaps she could be hired for the Girlie seminar programme as a consultant! Hubby’s innate finesse and savoir faire must have rubbed off on her! WORD of warning……….never ever leave a pint unprotected in the company of Father Eugene “the Minesweeper”. Sean Magorrian bought one, went to get a seat and by the time he had returned which was a matter of seconds, the cunning cleric had necked half of it. The apologetic, angelic look apparently did not cut it with the good Magorrian! Nice one Eugene! THE WAGS were out in evidence on Wednesday night. Mrs Dessie McGlue brought “diddums” out a nice warn fleecy jacket in the middle of the game to keep him from the cold and a certain Scissor Sister sat enthralled in the Jocks Lounge willing on “my Sean” in his first game. Bless! My other half, however, sat at home watching the football and necking my Jamesons whiskey which I had secreted away – not carefully enough obviously! WHICH Paul Sloan was absolutely bursting with pride because his bride single handedly won the game for the Girlies’ B team in Ballee NOW…this is a doozie! Which Mike Marty Moore – as he now likes to be called - made an utter arse of himself at the recent Belsonic gig featuring that well known disc jockey David Guetta. He was seen walking around – on the pretence of supervising his kid I may add – with a banana - or is it a bandana on his balding head, a glow stick and a can of Voddie and Red Bull in his hand uttering uber cool phrases like “Right On Man!” “Bring it on Babeeee!!” “Groovy!” and “That’s what I’m talking ‘bout!” I am sure your sprog Callum, whom you were supposed to be supervising, was mortified! In spite of what you thought laddie, the general consensus was that you were just being silly! I am told he had all the YMCA moves, did his own version of the moonwalk and ‘got down’ with the other cool kids…whose average age was sixteen and a quarter. Some of the revellers thought he was a bouncer as he seemed to spend most of his time hovering around the toilets and one occasion stopping a young couple from going in together unless he got down on one knee and proposed to her!! Listen laddie – get a pic taken. I can assure you that when you see it, it will not happen again. And where did the party animal go after the gig? To pop some “E tabs” in the Customs Square, for a rave in Milk Niteclub? No the local Premier Inn for a good night’s sleep with the sprog who by all accounts had more tongue at the gig than my local butcher! Martin…I have always thought you were er…um…special! You certainly are mate!!!! WE have all heard about throwing keys in the corner at swinger parties, or clasping them over one’s rear pocket if one is a tad festive? But what if one hangs them down, tantalisingly over one’s crotch? What does that mean? Ask Gerry “Gravedigger” Doherty. Maybe he will tell you! WHO is getting a job lot done in hospital very soon? Mark Lecky – that’s who. Getting a hernia repair and while he is there getting another few bits snipped off …if you get my drift….apparently! WHICH Pat Murphy took his bride away for a romantic weekend to Sligo for one night only using his Over Sixty Five Pass. Did you pack some Sanatogen TonicWine as well to help with the wooing process???? Did you also book into the local YMCA and treat her to a Big Mac – shared of course! THOUGHT you had escaped Jimmy boy didn’t you after last week? Thought we were finished with you? Yeah you….Frazer! Thought I would not hear about it. Well I did and I now share with the group. When one transfers between clubs they normally adopt the full mantle of the new one. Not Jimmy “The Stapler” Frazer. Instead of getting his club badge sewn on, what does he do? He uses a staple gun to attach it. Not thinking of staying laddie? Maybe you are waiting on a better offer? Just like the Mainland football team, it shows a clear lack of commitment methinks! AND for the neurotic among you …..thought we had forgotten about you too eh? Never a bit! Remember we were talking about your Facebook friends last week? You know they are not realfriends don’t you? And what’s more they do not read what you write. They simply “unfollow” you so they do not see your “stuff”. That is why you do not get any “likes” on your page. Just thought I’d tell you! AT the girlies’ match on Thursday, there was a spare dinner brought out by the delightful Denise McMahon and she asked for takers. It was eventually taken after much touting but Pat Butler said he would have taken it immediately only I would have written about it in the blog. Sooooo he did not take it………… and I did not write about it! AND ….finally before you hear it from someone else…... Yes I was in the Club on Thursday with my three week old grand daughter who has not been at all well. Yes I was goin’ all gooey over her with hugs, kisses and coochie coos! So what….does not mean I am a bad person!! Til next time………. Keep stroking the kitty
10 Comments
Einstein's Cat
10/7/2016 01:32:47 pm
What is club coming to? Old bowlers pretending to be young and hip. Priests stealing drink.. Next you'll be telling me that Mr Parker and Mr Magorrian have stopped hugging their E cigarettes like a kid holds their favourite flavoured lollipop. Or that Selectors have decided to pick the best bowlers available rather than those who complain the loudest..
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Blogmeiater
10/7/2016 02:26:53 pm
Meeeeowwwww! Like the use of alliteration .....favourite, flavoured..... A literary man like myself! Re selectors... I am sure that giving in to complaints never happens!!! Similarly if they play badly they drop themselves? I know smouldering George Keatings as a Vets selector may be about to drop himself down the batting order to give an up and coming cub a chance!
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Dizzi Rascal
10/7/2016 02:40:32 pm
Definitions - noun
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Blogmeister
10/7/2016 04:09:27 pm
As the cub has not yet been told of his possible elevation I cannot say except that he has been shunned by the Big Boys already!
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Einstein's Cat
10/7/2016 10:48:44 pm
Goodness Gracious let's forget about the vets and concentrate on the fact that Mark Lecky appears to either have given himself to medical science (judging by the length of this operation) or given himself to MB games. Is it a hernia being removed or a funny bone or maybe water in the knee or even his Adams apple. When they get around to operating I hope his nose glows everytime they touch a nerve...
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Blogmeister
11/7/2016 09:18:03 am
Dear Cat....I can confirm that the operation is indeed a hernia. My source assures me that the gonads are going as as well. It can not be confirmed whether or not the funny bone has already been removed. If it has it might be nice to implant it into a few people I know!!
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Einstein's Cat
12/7/2016 10:29:42 am
I hear Fr Eugene maybe on hand in case he is thinking of changing religion during the operation.
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Einstein' s Cat
15/7/2016 10:22:10 am
Is there truth in the following rumours? In certain aspects bowlers are no longer to leave the mat until the skip has informed them of how bad the previous bowl has been. Since they talk to bowlers before they step on the mat, whilst they are on the mat, talk to the bowl as it rolls towards it target, I suppose it completes the circle..
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Blogmeister
15/7/2016 01:53:49 pm
Dear Cat....Methinks you might need therapy with regard to your feelings towards skips. Did one of them do something to you once upon a time? You really need to let go. Keep reading the blog...I have a treatise on skips coming up soon...It has been held back due to pressure of space. It will probably set you off again!!! And if you mean Heavy Metal Moore, yes there is more stuff to follow!
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Gary Moore (no relation)
17/7/2016 10:40:17 am
What??.. My life is definitely not as exciting as you make it out to be :)
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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