As the title suggests, there is some adult content in this week’s column. Please do not read if easily offended!
NEXT time laddie you park your metallic blue BMW at right angles across three parking spaces I will post your registration here. Selfishness in the extreme! CRAWLIN outta the woodwork to get their version of what happened before my touts give me the popular version….Belinda Brown, Harry Sergeant and Belsonic Marty. Still, three newsworthy stories……..Of how the Browns - why not spell it “Browne” folks then you really could be like the Smiths ‘with a y’ with a fancy name instead of trying to keep up with them in the decorating stakes – but I digress – apparently the new bathroom has a maritime motif now. I believe bus loads of people are turning up to see it. If you had given it a religious theme Belinda, then they could have had a rub of the relic when they visited. Explain it to her Alan!.....Of how Brian “The Original Dander” Smith skittled a head which was holding four by trailing the jack and reduced it to one and said “It’s safer there!” ………Of how Belsonic Marty while shepherding his kids down a dark hallway and telling them to be careful of the overhead beam, fell arse over tip down a hole. Par for the course Marty boy! Par for the course!! AND finally on the Mixed Triples……… LISTEN brother, I know you have just joined but you have been at other clubs and yes we know you have played skip – you told us…… several times - but……….when you play lead, you say nowt and you certainly do not call shots in front of your second. I am surprised she did not scratch your eyes out. You may urge your own bowl forward orally as I often do, with largely no effect, but that is where it ends………… matey! A Jeremy Corbyn lookalike whom I believe is somebody’s husband turned up for the Mixed Triples and I said to one of the Girlies as a witty aside…”Look! There’s Jeremy Corbyn!” She looked closely for a while and said “No it’s not him. I saw him on TV in London earlier on!” Bless!! LISTEN love…it is not Armagh Road Bowls, nor skimming pebbles over a lake, nor simulating the bouncing bombs in The Dambusters, nor heaving a boulder at a dog who has just fouled your garden….. it is LAWN Bowls where a smooth release is the order of the day. WHICH Scissor Sister asked me to turn on the floodlights as “my Sean can’t see!” AND talking Scissors Sisters….. which other one did not know what a large one was? IN a mixed convivial gathering at the Triples one of the Girlies remarked on the clarity of skin of a certain seventy nine year old Vet. Another said, “That is because he does not abuse himself!” I make no comment other than….. “would expect no less Dommo old son…..would expect no less!” TWO versions of a totally fictional story…. The names are randomly assigned! Deirdre “George came home from bowls last night. He was very uncommunicative. I poured him a large glass of Jack Daniels and Cinnamon but he did not even touch it. He just sat there staring into space with his hands between his knees rocking back and forward. He didn’t even watch Match of the Da.y This has been happening a lot recently. There is a lot of distance between us. I feel he does not want to open up to me. Maybe it is me. Maybe I should try to understand him more. I remember when we first got married and we used to do everything together. Oh how we laughed! Now there is nothing. Anyway, I went to bed before him and told him to come up when he felt ready and that if he wanted to talk that I was there for him. I wore that special red silk nightgown, you know – the one made by La Perla. He came up about two hours later and just turned on his side without saying Goodnight. I could feel his shoulders heaving and knew he was crying. I pulled him in to me and held him, kissing the back of his neck. He started to relax and turned round to me, eventually returning my kisses. I drew him closer to me and he lowered the straps of the negligee ……slowly, like peeling the skin from a banana. Butterflies which had lain dormant in my stomach for some time began to awaken. Slowly we began to make love like synchronized swimmers in tandem, for what seemed a delicious eternity. Finished, we lay back spent and empty as two gun cartridges after a pheasant shoot. I feel we are regaining what we had all those years ago.” George “Gutted! Lost by a single shot to Hilden. Had a quickie with the missus though!” AND for the girlies………read a proper love story at https://www.facebook.com/PaulAnthonyAuthor/posts/729331400539221 See….not so hard nosed after all……… eh ladies!!!! AND for the neurotic among you…..you think nobody knows about your little hobby don’t you…… yes we do……all of us! AND on McGarrity’s trip to the Big Apple….he was forced to pay a ten dollar tip for a five yard carrying of a suitcase by an Afro American hotel porter. A similar Afro American wearing nowt but a throng – or is it thong – offered him a hands on “hug” for five dollars in Times Square. His missus declined for him. Ah well Peter – nearest you will get on both accounts to tasting the cocoa bean!! GENTLEMAN Jim McGetterick played a triples game last week….without his missus supporting!!! WHO was 18-12 up in a recent singles game then went to the toilet and popped in to the locker room to see who he would be playing in the next round. Well? Who was it to be? Nobody….cos you were summarily dumped on your pompous ass!!! FURTHER congrats to the Girlies on their section of the web page. It is…… well………informative! Just like reading a noticeboard!! Til next time…. Keep strokin’ the kitty!
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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