I am often asked what methods my boys in the field use to get juicy tit bits to me. Well….the gathering of the Elders of a weekday morning, around but unfortunately not on the green, is usually a good source but often a simple text message suffices as in the following from one of my top runners received while I was lying in my bubble bath, carefully drawn by my other half, whiskey included. I simply cut and paste the text directly…….
“You must ask Pat Murphy about the price of a bottle of Peroni in Pizza Express in Old Glasgow Town”. Now with this ambiguous report, received without elaboration, either I simply relegate it to one of the many open ended questions which I pose every week or I investigate further and get quite a few column inches of wind up. As at this moment as I write, I am abroad in that country which abuts our wee six counties, and I am not in a position to investigate further, but I thank my runner for the information which will be used at some stage! In the same vein, my number one tout was able to phone me seconds after Jimmy “HB2” Armstrong was almost sent offa the pitch for appalling use of grammar. Real time reporting….excellent!! He also was able to tell me that a certain Midweek B player had to phone up to find if he had in fact signed up for the following week’s game. What a busy life you lead laddie if you cannot remember signing up!!! And finally from the same source…………which Midweek Skip made a beeline for his preferred sock eye red salmon sandwiches at Downpatrick, knocking women children and the resident Club cripple outta the way, only to find they were Lidl’s best chicken tikka paste!!! We’ve had FIFAgate this week, now I give you Fallsgate. It has been reported that historically, HB Brown Sauce Bottles have been refilled with an inferior substitute for the post game convivial get togethers! Sleep easy catering managers!!!!! We know who you are!!! My Lords, Ladeeees and Gentlemen……..I have been reliably informed by our in house Ticketmeister and Impressario Billy T Aiken, that tickets are going well for the First Annual Falls Fight Night. Under floodlights, with the pitch covered with wooden stuff like they have for all big outdoor concerts, for your delectation……….Cruncher Corrigan v’s Mauler Murtagh. The walk on music has been chosen……… “I’m a Lumberjack and I’m OK!” for our local gardener cum tree feller and “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” for the thin one. The Anthem will be “ Handbags on a Hot June Night” and it will be refereed by Billy “Two Gloves” Aldridge. Bring it onnnnnnnnnnnnn! And talking floodlights, the Bowling Committee will look into the shadows cast by the stanchions under sunlight – pointed out by an important girlie - and will take the appropriate action!!!! And talking girlies….apparently some of the girlies do not behave like proper girlies during and more particularly after girlie matches!!! Too much laughing and the like. Imagine that!!! Gary McWilliams now has an eye for bowls he tells me. I am happy to record that the recent abdominal pains which afflicted Freddie McCorry were diagnosed by the doctor as simply a mild case of attention seeking! It was most unkind of me to suggest that it was due to eating too many clotted cream scones while in the Antipodes some months back. It happened that when he returned from his three months of winter training, nobody noticed how tanned and lean he was so he threw a strop and feigned stomach pains just like he used to do when he was a lad and didn’t get his own way, his brother Jim told me. And BTW Freddie Boy, please do not wear that silly swagman hat on the green. We have enough plonkers who do that already – so many that we could have a silly hat day! Which Harry gave a splendid display of Cossack Dancing as he dodged an oncoming bowl on his hunkers as he bent down to chalk the one thrown by the previous player in a recent singles game? Which Vets Selector, who having deselected himself due to poor form, went down to the Club to wish the boys well before they left for Balmoral, then went home and checked where the Club was. On finding it was in the Belvoir Estate not a stone’s throw away, and it had a bar which opened at lunchtime, he decided to go over and selfishly support the team. Not a single Jamesons nor glass of Harp passed his lips, no siree Manuel, not in very deed Placido! Following on from my piece in last week’s column on NIPGL reportage, we should follow those who play proper sports and rename the Big Boys Bowling Leagues. Instead of having Divisions 1 through 5 we should have…..The Premiership, the Championship, Werthers Original Division 1, Sanatogen Division 2, Voltarol Division 3!! For Midweek it could be Athletic Support Division 1 and Saga Incontinence Pads Division 2 and let’s not talk about the Vets…..cos nobody else does! And on the subject of travel………which bowlist - not Freddie “The Strop” McCorry btw - was on a long haul trip to Australia, – change over at Dubai – and had the luxury of a window seat plus the two others to himself. He was approached by a stunning blonde who was squeezed between two sweaty, greasy undesirables in the middle aisle. She informed him that she was going straight to work on landing in the aforesaid Emirates Kingdom, and would he mind swapping with her so that she could get some peaceful shuteye. Being a gentleman, he graciously agreed and inserted himself between the two greaseballs. It transpired that she was a stewardess in transit and she asked him that if she could do anything for him on the plane, he only had to ask. Now bear in mind that this plane is travelling at a height of approximately one mile – ONE MILE HIGH I remind you so what does he do? He asks for a silver platter of food from First Class!!!!! A true ambassador for pink cider drinkers and Falls Bowling Club!! Keep the chalk wet!.............. PS and for those of you who are a tad tight – and there are more than Danny Boy Cregan let me tell you – if you have played in a Club singles match and owe the marker a pint, do it before May 31st cos the price of drink goes up then………..oh wait a minute……too late!!!!!
11 Comments
Keyser Soze
2/6/2015 01:59:20 am
Blogmeister, or should I say Mr J Cash, firstly let me congratulate you on another enjoyable read and leading a great night in the back room. I believe our President was like a hound dog on Sunday after too many big boy lemonades, indeed he was all shook up until Sunday evening.
Reply
Blogmeister
2/6/2015 02:27:03 am
Keyser.......nice words.....and clever words.....El Pres is just a boy who can't say No
Reply
2/6/2015 02:30:24 am
As moderator of this forum I have to step in now.
Reply
Blogmeister
2/6/2015 04:16:47 am
Pink cider is nowt to the horrendous thing you posted on FB laddie.I would not mind if it was in a trendy bar but it looked like your front room......bit suspect if you ask me
Reply
Pablo Escobar
3/6/2015 02:24:41 am
Shadows, Shadows on the green! Which one? I hope its Hank, he's my fav so he is! And he has a lovely delivery.
Reply
Dizzi Rascal
3/6/2015 02:31:03 am
Pablo - are you pining for a certain G-string!!!!
Reply
Seán Óg de BHÁLTÚN
3/6/2015 03:42:50 am
Shadows on the green caused by 'sunlight' - are we sure the girlie in question is talking about Fruithill. If it is, then it is more likely to be the glare passing through the pints of Carlsberg from the bar rather than sunlight.
Reply
magnum pi
3/6/2015 09:25:44 am
I understand our resident singmeister aka joe dolan availed himself to someone else's club jacket at the recent excursion to costa ballee....the offending garment has been left in the big boys locker room and Mr Dolan would appreciate being acquainted with his original attire as he has almost finished the HP on same!
Reply
magnum pi
3/6/2015 09:31:26 am
any assistance would be greatly appreciated as I am currently busy dying my 'tache
Reply
Blogmeister
3/6/2015 10:13:03 am
I missed the Committee meeting on Sunday due to being abroad in Eire but I hear sunlight has been banned from the green so that the important girlie can bowl without the intrusive shadows. Probably just as well. they were shite without Sir Cliff whom you will be glad to know will come out squeaky clean in the recent investigations as his "mate" Gloria Hunniford is standing by him. Betya that's a relief...eh Bachelor Boy!!!
Reply
Always reserved
6/6/2015 01:55:09 pm
Whadda I miss? Although I have a great money making scheme for our club...The met office spent £15 million on a new satellite that predicts the weather for 1 week ahead. They could give Falls £5 million (saving them £10 million) and speak to our bowlers. As long they can accept "Judging by those clouds it may or not rain" or "The sun is out now, hopefully it stays out" type predictions..
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Author
I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
|