To clear up a few things first of all………… the column is written solely by me and BTW takes up a lot of time fine tuning and editing when I could be continuing with my new novel – and for recent members, a shameless plug “The Adventures of the Tricycle Kid” is still freely available on Amazon! Also, I collect information from many sources: touts who interrupt me as I am having a quiet Jamesons in the Club, things I overhear, people who stupidly tell me stuff about themselves then wished they hadn’t etc. I worry not if it is hearsay. If I can use it, I can use it!
And…….just because you keep me informed with juicy bits, don’t think you will escape getting stitched up yourselves, Messrs Liam Aldridge and Liam Trainor. Read on… Thanks for the quality blogging last week from a host of new contributors. Keep it up. Now, with reference to one particular comment……I believe that in a certain club front end bowlers are referred to as “lab rats” by some rear end bowlers. I would hope that this is not the case in our own Club. No siree Robert, no way, Pedro, not in very deedy!!!! ;) I am sure it is not the case and that people like myself, Martin Parker, Michael McCarney, Pat Murphy etc are held in medium esteem for the semi valuable contribution we make in building the head. And as we well know, all rear end bowlers need good head! And in marginally the same vein, good to see the Big Boys watching the Midweek “A” team both from the comfort of the hospitality lounge and the players’ tunnel. The positive encouragement was much appreciated and the sarky comments were treated with the contempt they deserve!!! And with no connection whatsoever………. I believe the new local professional bowling set up – Team Belfast - have offered a four figure sum for the services of our own Jim Murtagh. You may want to rethink your offer boys - £11.50 – it might not be appropriate for the level of skills that the thin one possesses! I have mentioned this before but strangely enough, the objective of the game of Lawn Bowls is NOT is not to shake hands as often as possible with the opposition or share witty reminiscences with them of how you played football with them, shoved marleys with them, worked with them etc twenty plus years ago. Watch the IRFU team as it lines up – that’s the psyche we need before games. The objective is to WIN. As hinted at in last weeks column, herewith, a warning to all bowlers and Alan Brown:- avoid at all costs, the shady character moving silently around the Club asking for money. He is Jim “The Enforcer” Copeland who tries to extricate next year’s fees and this year’s Presidential Glasgow trip in easy instalments. Beware – you miss a payment and you lose your kneecaps. Thanks to Jimmy “the Sharpener” Armstrong for providing pencils for the Jocks Locker Room. Never mind the quality of the HB2s, feel the size! They’re big mothers! And….a note to skips who play out of position in, lets say for the sake of argument, the Vets trials. Even though you have been a skip in your day, you must remember your place when playing second. Instead of telling the skip of the day “I would have liked to have seen you take more grass” you really should have said…….well…….. actually………ahem!.......nothing! Which bowler opened the mats/jacks locker, burrowed inside for the equipment to play his regular morning game but was unable to extricate his head before the lid fell on him causing him to ejaculate………. an oath. And BTW…. I know who broke the aforesaid locker last year by sitting on it!! A double Jamesons in my direction and I will spill the beans! And by the way you would think that Mr President with his Bachelors Degree in Engineering would have it sorted by now. And talking academic achievements, I have been asked to point out by Liam Trainor that he has a lower second class HONOURS degree which apparently the other two academics Butsie and Brennan do not have. He only missed the upper second class by 1.5 marks. In addition, he wishes it to be made known that he also has a Postgraduate Diploma in Purchasing and Supply Management! Liam old son, you are special, you really are and most of us love you!. If anyone else wishes to have their academic credentials shared with the wider community, please e mail me. And Laureates of the British Empire, of which I believe we have at least one, you will have your very own chance later. J Which resident Dutchman, not the Thompson one but the Van de Velde one, or whoever you call him – they all sound the same to me – can get you a car, no questions asked!!!! He does not have one himself mind you but can get one at short notice! And which Liam Aldridge entertained his fellow rinkies by pulling out rabbits, pigeons and bunches of flowers outta his new white bowling/golfing glove. If he gets another one he can do his Al Jonson impersonation at the next Vets do or failing that become a snooker umpire. I just want to flag something up here but does anyone else think that Martin Parker looks a little “dubious” on the green? And talking of Parkers, some news from the Midweek B……….who put his nice little blue stickers on his bowls the wrong way round resulting in three wrong biases being thrown in the first three deliveries? Joe Rea……….that’s who. And memo to the Midweek B team………do not mess with Marty Quinn!!!! Anyone interested in cheap quality trousers, please see Murph The Hat. He can point you in the right direction, especially if your legs are on the short side! The chicken, the feather and the blindfold story has been held back until next week until I have consulted the Club’s solicitor and Sean Magorrian, and not necessarily in that order………….. Keep the chalk wet………
27 Comments
Billy T
10/5/2015 07:42:38 am
Excellent.What do you think of the new streamlined approach from the Competitions committee?
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Always reserved
10/5/2015 08:40:19 am
Another excellent blog Mr Blogmeister. I must thank you as I was paranoid about the stance Mr Parker would take on the green. And after months of therapy it is good to know that somebody else noticed.
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Lord of the Rinks
10/5/2015 08:50:40 am
Some skips need to remember to 'encourage' their rink not moan at or about them. I don't care how well someone can bowl, if they've no man-management skills they should not be in the job. Please note all selectors!!!
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Obama I'm Not
10/5/2015 08:57:03 am
Your president can design and build with steel, reinforced concrete and structural wood. Micky mouse plastic boxes?????
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Blogmeister
10/5/2015 09:16:31 am
Ooooooooh! Knew I would ruffle a few feathers!! "Billy T", the new approach is very excellent, I will be commenting on it in the next blog! Again with the ascerbic, yet apposite comments "Always".......you are lining yourself up for a job next year! And "Lord of the Rinks".........oh were it true. Maybe we can get out coaches to talk to them.....they are trained in man management! Mr President.........the box is becoming an eyesore. Put it on the agenda for next meeting I think!
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Always reserved
10/5/2015 11:25:02 am
Wait a minute. Liam Trainor, our treasurer, has a post grad diploma in Purchasing and Supply and yet we were in short supply of stickers for the start of the season. I think he might want to get a refund on those student fees.:)
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Maybe Billy A and ex Treasurer Gerry 'The Lithuanian' Lee could get together and do a double act - don't know if its the Jonson Twins or the Jackson 2!
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Blogmeister
11/5/2015 11:50:07 am
The very thing Sean Og Walton...........we could get Father Padre Pio's mitten which is supposed to cure all and pass it around before the next Big Boys game.......a rub of the relic would do them all the world of good!!!!
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Sean Og Walton (previously known as JBW)
11/5/2015 01:10:11 pm
Blogmeister, I don't mind taking part in any pre-match ritual to help our performance. But I draw the line at rubbing old relics, unless their whereabouts can be totally accounted for ;-)
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Billy T
11/5/2015 02:03:05 pm
There are quite a few old relics in our club!
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11/5/2015 03:47:00 pm
Far too many degrees in the club and none of them being put to good use. Get yourselves out and sort the "box" out!! I notice the general is lying low this episode after the Blogmister threatened to mention Billy T in the next blog for making a comment, he must know the blogmiester has plenty of material on him. Stay low general.
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Blogmeister
12/5/2015 04:57:43 am
The General will indeed be getting a mention in the next posting 'mup but alas it is only ain indirect way at getting at other people. And Sean Og, a mhic, your youthfulness prevents you from knowing that a rub of the relic has a mild sexual connotation and btw nice to see you have albeit adopted your new temporary handle but beware. Remember Nigel Kennedy the fiddlist changed his name to simply Kennedy and was never heard of again! And apologies Billy T.......you make the blog again next week for your skills of parsimony!!
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Sean Og Walton (previously known as JBW)
12/5/2015 05:32:13 am
Blogmeister, I am very grateful for your comments on my 'youthfulness' and possible naivety, its all to do with the company I keep - although it wouldn't be hard in our club ;-)
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The General
13/5/2015 05:40:43 am
"Tell me you're up" - quite an apt handle given my question of the week.......When my bowl eventually comes to rest (hopefully via the correct bias) why does my skip/captain/manager/head greenmeister/fellow silver-haired devil always holler down "A YARD"?? Answers via postcard... :-(
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The General
13/5/2015 05:57:48 am
BTW I understand that el presidente asked Joe 'Wrong Bias' Rea to check his stickers after the first 2 forgettable deliveries. Joe replied "I have...I've got the blue ones on!" On a positive note his weight was good..... :-)
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13/5/2015 05:59:37 am
You are in trouble General if you are having ongoing problems getting 'up'. As we are now down to one source of unofficial pharmaceuticals in our club I can only surmise that the prices will have gone through the roof.
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Blogmeister
13/5/2015 07:20:30 am
Brilliant repartee lads! My column will be in good hands when I go to Singapore then Bali on my holidays - business class bien sur! What's that I hear you say? I can go *$!@ myself........ok. Consider it done!
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13/5/2015 07:48:36 am
Total waste Blogmeister - fair enough you will get your money's worth out of the better service, a la carte meals & free bar etc, but greater legroom ;-)
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the general
14/5/2015 04:41:23 pm
Thanks for the advice Sean Og...heading down tomorrow to 'relics r us' to procure a bargain which will improve my performance!
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Blogmeister
15/5/2015 05:30:25 am
Dear General............I have had some medication returned to me by a former member which I can let you have at a knockdown price. And Sean Og.......the seats in business class are of the bed variety and with regard to legroom..... by the time the Emirates Airbus is crossing the Irish Sea, I will not be able to feel aforesaid legs due to the amount of free grog I will have necked!!
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Always reserved
16/5/2015 10:52:56 am
Why has none of our bowlers noticed that our green must be a religious relic. I asked a skip once "What is a yard?" "3ft was the confident response". I then watched as bowls sat 5ft, 10ft, 7ft etc and the same call came. "A yard". Our green can warp time and space. It can also cure ailments as bowlers will complain of many problems prior to bowling. Only for them to disappear when the bowlers are winning.
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Blogmeister
16/5/2015 12:20:05 pm
Dear Always...........the term "a yard" is a technical term used by thirds such as Gerry Lowe when guiding in his skip Martin Quinn just like an aircraft controller guiding in an Easy Jet . I asked the aforesaid Lowe why he always said "a yard" and his reply was " the chap - my words not his - will never know the difference". And yes the green does have supernatural powers......look at Jim The Crutch Armstrong who hobbled in like a paraplegic going to Lourdes yet once inside the sacred hallows of the sward dispense with the aid and bowled like a demon!! Praise the Lord................
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Always reserved
17/5/2015 03:18:52 am
Indeed "The Cure of the Crutch" is a mystery to us all. Probably on the same mysterious level as him not playing for the A team.
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Billy T
17/5/2015 10:34:39 am
The Derry wan was banished to the naught step due to his comments and rant the night before with his father in law about the bowling committee.
Always reserved
17/5/2015 11:10:53 am
Have the Derry man and his father in law not watched Butch Classify and the Sundance kid. It didn't turn out so well for them either.
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Blogmeister
17/5/2015 11:43:58 am
Billy T......do pm me..... I am at a loss as to the inner workings of people from Londonderry, father in laws and B teams!!!
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Always reserved
18/5/2015 12:37:24 pm
I think It would easier to work out the inner workings of the SERN particular accelerator.
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I keep my ear to the ground to keep everyone informed of the day to day happenings in Falls Bowling Club, Belfast. Archives
December 2017
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